The ups and downs of being Sapphie

Sometimes

My retreat, my calling
My rise and my falling
I do myself no courtesy,
When I sink myself in self-pity.
Sadness and I should have enmity
But we don't...
On occasion we split the bill
Sometimes I'm on a roller coaster,
And sometimes my emotions stand still.
What courses through my veins is not just blood ,
My tears are not just water,
And my skin is not just fashioned mud;
The soul contained could not apologize enough,
For all the times it's fallen to the rough.
I have a confession
When I'm hurting, I find a fixation.
To the outside, he looks like a conquest
To my heart he looks like a new love
But in reality, he's just my comfort,
He's just an important friend I consort.
The person I feed my pain to
The person I draw my relief from
He knows some of this, but he only knows the half,
He makes me smile, but there's depression behind the laugh.
He doesn't notice I'm afraid of his simple unperverted touches,
He doesn't realize how nostalgic he makes me.
He doesn't get that his innocence scares me to my very core,
He doesn't understand that I'm not who I was before.
Sometimes when I look at him, I see my past
Sometimes my present,
Sometimes my future,
Sometimes all at once.
He makes me afraid of myself all over again.
It's easy to help someone in pain
But to be helped, it puts me through withdrawal strain.
I itch to be away from him and around him
I'm afraid to ruin him, even though I've changed
That old wound keeps re-opening.
Sometimes it's not even me who I'm afraid of.
I love him in this way, where I want to protect him from the world;
I don't want him to find out the hard way
I don't want him to feel pain,
I don't want him to see what's left on me this stain.
Sometimes I remember that sorrow will make him into a man,
But sometimes I think I should protect him when I can.
He'd never allow it though if he knew,
Not that he could stop it,
But it's adorable to watch his innocence at play.
The adorability kills me literally
I suffer from it, because his innocence cuts through me like a knife,
He's breaking me down, while he's saving my life.
I know I've been talking long but sometimes I just have to let it out,
Sometimes I have to stop acting like I'm the only help,
That I don't struggle too
That sometimes being so strong...
I'm afraid to crumble so I can start anew.

S.K.Malcolm