Joshaya V.S Lucaya

Chapter 28

Maya's POV

I dont know why, but I'm still holding Lucas' hand as we walk. Maybe it's because I can tell he needs to be comforted right now. I glance at him for a moment as we walk. He looks so broken. I wonder what he's thinking. There's only one way to know I say to myself.

"Where are we going?" I hear his soft voice ask me before I get the chance to ask my own question. I quickly scan the area. Theres a broken and worn down chunk of a tree a little ways down the beach. That seems like a good a place as any.

"Just over there. Where the fallen tree is." I reply, squeezing his hand gently while I point to the spot with my free hand. I notice a slight smile pull at his lips.

Once we reach the tree, I let go of his hand and sit. I expect it to be awkward, considering the conversation we're about to have, but it's not. I take a deep breath in, preparing myself for whatever may happen.

"Lucas, I...." I start to say but I cant find the words. Damn it! I look at him while he looks down. Why is this so hard?

"I'm so sorry Maya." He says quietly. I want to reach out and take his hand again, but I don't. I dont want to send him mixed signals.

"Thank you Huckleberry." I say back, causing him to look at me briefly before he averts his eyes elsewhere.

"Thank you for choosing to talk to me. I know I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you at all." He says, looking out at the water. I see a tear slide down his cheek. I hate this. I hate that I have to hurt him like this after everything we've been through together.

"I will always choose to talk to you Lucas. You are one of my best friends. I just got you back. I'm not going to let one mistake ruin everything. That's not who I am. That's why I'm here right now. We need to talk about everything." I tell him. I mean every word I say. He looks back to me and smiles.

"You know, that's one of the reasons I fell for you so long ago. You don't just give up. You fight for people." He says as he moves slightly closer to me. I instantly pull back, keeping the distance between us. His face falls when I move back, so I quickly speak.

"Do you remember when we were at the ski lodge and you were sitting on the window seat talking to Riley?" I ask him and he nods, so I continue. "I came in with Josh and even though I was so happy to have my promise of someday, i remember looking at you sitting there with Riley and feeling something. I was...." I trail off, thinking of that moment. Those feelings.

"You were what, Maya?" He asks, almost sounding hopeful.

"I was jealous." I say flatly. I've never admitted that out loud before. I'm shocked by my own words, but I continue before he can say anything. "I mean, at least I thought I was. Then not too long after that, you kissed me." I stop myself. How do I word this so it hurts as little as possible?

"And...?" He says, still looking too hopeful. I'm about to crush him.

"And... and I realized that I wasn't jealous. There was no spark for me when you kissed me." I say, looking away from him. We sit in silence for a moment before I look back up at him. He looks hurt but not so hurt that I shouldn't continue.

"Ya know, looking back, maybe I was jealous.  But I wasn't jealous of what I thought you had with Riley. I was jealous that there was a you and Riley. That you could be with her without judgment. You could hold her hand in public and people would never look at you weird because of it. You were an actual couple and you could act like one..." I trail off. I know I'm rambling now but I feel like I'm on the verge of something. I'm lost in my thoughts now.

'I can't help but feel something in the pit of my stomach though. Sadness? Longing? Jealousy?'

The memory plays in my head as I realize why I was feeling like that. I look at Lucas with wide eyes as realization washes over me.

"Holy shit..." I mumble. Hes looking at me like I have 3 heads. I feel like I should explain.

"I thought at the time I was sad and jealous because maybe i did have feelings for you and i wanted to be with you. But that's not what it was at all. I wanted what you had with Riley, well what I thought you had anyway. But i wanted it with Josh. That feeling of longing as i looked at the two of you wasn't because i wished I was her in that moment. It was because I wished I could have a relationship with the boy I liked they way she could have a relationship with the boy she liked." I finally breathed at the end of everything and Lucas just looked at me. His eyes showing a mix of hurt and what I think is relief.

"Thank you for that." He says, pausing to smile at me before he continues. " I think I always wanted there to be more between us than there was. Looking back, I think I misread a lot of things that I thought were signals that you were as interested as I was." He says, reaching over to take my hand. I let him.

"Lucas, I'm so sorry if I led you on..." I start, but he cuts me off.

"Don't do that. You have nothing to be sorry for. All I want for you is happiness, Maya. You deserve so much more than life has given you." He says before standing, his hand still in mine. I look up at him and stand as well.

"Friends?" I ask him. He smiles and nods at me, making my own smile surface.

"Always." He tells me.

We walk back in silence, fingers laced together. I think I finally have my best friend back. I smile to myself as we reach the campsite. Lucas stops and pulls me into a hug and says good night before heading off to his tent.

I look towards the fire pit and I see Josh throwing water on the remaining embers. I saunter over to him and after he drops the empty bucket, I place my hands over his eyes and whisper into his ear.

"Guess who?" I say, almost too silently for him to hear. He spins around quickly, not bothering to guess and wraps his arms around my waste as I lace my fingers behind his neck.

"I missed you." He says simply, moving his lips to mine, pulling me in for a kiss. I think about the epiphany i had earlier and i pull myself closer to him, practically forcing myself on him. He smiles into the kiss for a moment before he pulls away and looks at me. I love him so much.

"Let's go to bed." I say, loosening myself from his grip, and taking his hand in mine, leading him to our tent.