Shadows Into Light

Unraveling

All the things I have safely

locked away,

hidden away,

from family and friends

are coming out.

I can't hide away my demons

any longer,

they have grown too powerful

and are ripping me apart.

I see myself in so many moments,

flashing memories

of my dark journey.

Of how many warning signs

were present over the past four years.

Of how I turned to poetry

to discuss my frequent thoughts of stress.

Of how I kept a journal

where I spilled my heart onto the blank pages.

Of how I nearly lept over the edge

and realized how quickly you can fall into darkness.

Of how my stress

manifested into my sleeping and eating patterns.

Of how these thoughts,

are controlling my life.

Of how it wasn't just stress,

it was so much more.

Looking back,

there were so many red flags

that could've saved me all this pain,

if only I was educated properly and knew something was wrong.

And when I did know something was wrong,

if only I had the correct help.

If only that doctor told me

that I was not okay.

If only the therapist

offered me help.

I am unraveling

as I watch my life being picked apart

by family and friends,

all wondering how it started.

Only I know.

I feel like a sweater

being pulled in so many ways,

watching my years worth of secrets

being spooled around.

Soon I will be on full display,

my sweater all gone,

and they all get to see

how truly pathetic and helpless I am.

I built this armor from the first time I was bullied,

seven years ago,

and now I am giving people

ammunition to shoot me down

if they wish.

The sweater was my armor

but now I only have a pile of string.

I'm afraid with all of this sharing

of my dark journey,

of these past four years,

will in the end hurt me more.

Sometimes I wish

that no one cared,

and we can keep pretending

everything is alright,

so I can cry in peace,

drowning in my thoughts.

I don't want to hurt them

with these toxic thoughts

and I am afraid they will turn away,

as soon as they find the secrets

that I stowed away.