Shadows Into Light

Toxic Thoughts

I feel the wave coming,

the unletting pressure,

the panic and unending sadness.

And they come.

The spiraling thoughts.

Them.

The voices which are my own.

Tearing apart me.

You're stupid.

I look down at the low test score,

the score in red ink,

like blood on snow.

It haunts me and crowds my head.

You're so stupid.

You're ugly.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror,

seeing all the ways the clothes cannot hide me.

I want to hide within myself,

so no one can actually see how disappointing I am.

You're so ugly.

You're a terrible friend.

I stopped paying attention to what they are saying,

how sometimes I avoid conversations,

because they hurt too much.

I sometimes miss red flags which I wish I could be there for them.

You're such a terrible friend.

You're a bad person.

I couldn't get a good grade everytime,

I can't find my confidence

and how I can't always be there for my friends.

I feel the words carved on my skin

by my toxic thoughts:

stupid,

ugly,

horrible,

sad,

coward.

They crowd my head,

pushing out any other thoughts

as I wallow in them,

drowning in my tears.

I know they are not true,

but they hold so much power.

Taking away my ability to stop them.

"You can just make yourself happy."

"You choose your attitude."

"Just get out of your funk."

I can't.

I can't just make myself happy,

or change these thoughts.

They consume me.

Taking over my ability to do anything.

Leaving me alone in the dark,

with only my tears and self doubt.