Bruised// l.h au

Chapter Twenty Five

Blaze:

With recovery, there is two paths. One is the easy route, where you brush away your killing emotions and the hard route is where relapse will happen and promises will be utterly shattered. I was petrified, because recovery wasn't something I've ever put thought into. I always thought I was going to die because of myself, not natural causes. It slowly sinks in as the days produce that, if I was given two chances already, I'm here for a reason. I had to hold onto that thought, as the voices tried to break my walls and I felt like the world was caving into me.

Leaving the hospital, I knew I wasn't fixed. I felt stronger though, as if the medicine put some invisible armor over me. I've acknowledge I was sick, that what I did wasn't healthy, or normal. I became so addicted to it, the artwork on my skin sent a rush down my spine every time the blood covered paint brush hit the ground. And the alcohol and drugs, they made me feel free, as if they taped up the voice’s mouths. I knew that wasn't real though, that substances weren't going to submerge the pain and drift them away to neverland. It was hard, to swallow all of this, to realize there's no going back. It sounded so delicious, to hide in my room and destroy what I saw in the mirror, but I couldn't this time.

When I first came home, I felt hit by the ache in the house. It made me flinch as my screams replayed in my ears, as if they were recorded and stitched into the walls so they couldn't get out. And as my father guided me back to my room, that seemed so foreign, I could see the grief dyed in his eyes as I looked back at him. I couldn't help but feel sorry, because I knew this was all my fault, but there was nothing else to do but move on.

"Blaze." My mother ambled into my room, her eyes scanning my pastel body covered by an old sweatshirt. "Come have tea, or coffee with us." She shook her hand, waiting for me to get up.

I still felt sore from the cage I had to sleep in as I dragged myself from my covers and onto the ground. My mother's smile was warm as she started to walk down the hallway. I dawdled behind her, my hands covered by my sweatshirt rubbing my weary eyes. The smell of coffee filled my lungs as I walked into the kitchen, immediately having eyes glued on me like I was some type of ancient art work.

"Hi Blaze." Autumn greeted me, her appearance like the ones on the magazines as she slid over a scorching cup towards me.

I released my body on the stool next to my father as the cup slid against the marble counter and into my hands. I didn't care about the aftermath as I put the cup to my mouth, letting the hot liquid run down my deprived throat.

"Enjoy?" Autumn chuckled, leaning over the counter. "But how are you doing? I missed you so much!"

"Really!" I heightened my voice to match hers. "Because when I was home you barely noticed me!" I batted my eyelashes, hearing a grunt come from her glittered lips.

"Don't be rude." Rider budged in, rummaging through the fridge.

"Look who's fucking talking!" I clapped my hands, an accustomed numbness taking over my arms as his words bothered me.

"Mom! You're going to let her curse?" Rider took his head out of the cold machine, shaking his head at my silent mother.

"She's just stating her feelings." She said, barely in an audible tone.

"Feelings?" Rider inquired.

"Yes dipshit, feelings! God Rider, doesn't it even scare you I almost died?" I breathlessly asked.

"You forgot abo-"

"God Rider! It was a year ago! I was drunk and he wanted it! Doesn't it even hit you at all, that I didn't even know who took my virginity- well I didn't even know I lost it, till you came running into my room, screaming at me. I'm your blood Rider! God you have the nerve to say that, remember what you said last time I almost died?" My voice cracked, the anger distributing tears to my eyes.