Day 395 without you.
It's been a while since I last wrote to you. I couldn't bring myself to write because I did something very, very terrible and I felt like I didn't deserve to write to you even though I know you will never read these.
I'm sorry, baby, I couldn't help it. I'm so goddamn lonely. It's eating me from the inside and the loneliness within me is begging to be let out. It's clawing at me. A few days back it was just too much for me. I didn't want to feel this way and I was tired of it. I was tired of feeling so numb. I was tired of feeling nothing. Yet at the same time, it's like everything is too much.
A few days ago I went into a bar, already drunk but wanted more drinks because what I had at home was not enough. It was the crappiest bar in town, but I didn't care. I just wanted to not think about you. I wanted my head to be cloudy. I want to break myself. I sat down at the nearest side and asked for a White Russian and a classic martini. This stunning woman in a white bodycon dress sat beside me and caressed my arm like we were old lovers and whispered in my ear and asked if I was lonely. I answered yes. The alcohol was starting to get in my head and at that point, I could not control what I was saying. We talked for a bit before she invited me to her hotel room nearby. When I drunkenly dragged myself into her room, I think we made love shortly after. I can't remember what happened but I know we fucked because when I woke up the next morning, she was naked beside me. The scene was revolting; on the edge of the trash can was at least four used condoms hanging like drying clothes and the air was putrid. She smiled at me sweetly and told me how good I was to her, how good I felt inside of her. I didn't reply. I ran straight to the bathroom and threw up the remains of my drinks, and I felt hollow again.
I felt violated and I wished I could be strong enough not to drink, but when I was with her I didn't feel so lonely anymore. Although she used my body without bothering to ask if it was okay, I felt a little comfort and it scares me.
I'm so sorry, Eren. I betrayed you. I only want sex with you and you know it. When we woke up after a night of fun, you were like a saint, which was the opposite of what you were during the night in bed. I loved the way you smelled and nothing about you could ever gross me out. I want to embrace you again. I want you so bad. I need you here with me.
I'm so sorry, baby.
I love you so much, you bastard.
