I will be leaving in a week, and this will be my final email to you.
I will be going on a very long trip, but this won't be the last time you will hear from me. I hope, even with all these sins hanging onto me, I'll get to see you in a few decades. Even if I don't end up seeing you again, at least the last image you have of me isn't in a horrible condition. I'm a mess, Eren. I haven't been getting better at all; all these stupid coping mechanisms don't work, going out and doing the things we used to do together isn't helping out, and sleeping it away has had no impact. The amount of drinking used to numb it, but then I would need to drink more and more in order to forget every time. I realized that's it's stupid to try and forget. I'm ashamed at himself for trying to do so. How could I ever forget someone so stupidly enchanting like you?
I can't handle this, Eren. You used to go on about how strong I was, but I'm not. I just know how to talk mean and use a gun, and that isn't strong. I'm scared because I don't wanna walk this Earth alone anymore. I hate being alone. I detest the feeling it gives to my stomach and my heart when I realize there is no one for me and that no one will speak to me willingly or hold me and touch me and kiss me.
Why is it so silent in the house but so loud inside my head? If I could, I would rip myself apart and tear my heart to throw it away because the trouble it has caused me for the past year. It's doing this on purpose, making me hurt just because I can't give what it wants. Perhaps the heart is like the stomach, it gives you hell when you don't feed it. So here I am, starving of company and love.
I cleaned the entire apartment today. It smells a lot better now. I moved most things around to put in their proper place, except for your things. Your jackets are still hanging in the closet and your textbooks and notepads are still scattered all over the house. I emptied the fridge entirely and donated most of my possessions. I was always cooped up in our room so it was useless to keep them, and I won't need much for this trip anyway.
I hate going into our room because it reminds me of too many things. I feel like I am the only man in the world, or that I am tumbling down a black hole that lasts an eternity. I can't really explain what I feel properly. It's too much and there's so much going on even though I have nothing planned. I am trapped in a closed pool of mixed emotions and I think I'll be sleeping on the couch until it's time for me to leave.
Since this is my last email, I just want to let you know how much I adore you. I know in these emails that I always go one about how miserable I am because of you leaving, but I still love you with every cell of my being. Yes perhaps this is partially your fault, but you have your reasons. Whatever they are, I've already forgiven you for them a long time ago. You've embedded yourself into my skin, my life and as much as I want to hate you for it, I can't. They say when people are apart they fall out of love, but this isn't the case for me. I find that I'm still falling even more in love with you even though you're not here. You're incredible. I feel like, if a god does exist, he mashed up everything great and lovely in his hands and produced the idea of you. But I also feel like you're a demon wearing a skinsuit belonging to a saint because of what you've done to me.
I wanted to marry you, Eren. I don't have much but I would have proposed to you with a lollipop ring if I had to.
I wanted to change your name from Eren Jaeger to Eren Ackerman or changed mine from Levi Ackerman to Levi Jaeger. It didn't matter who got which name, as long as we had proof that we belonged to one another, proof that the image of both of us together as lovers exists. I wanted to move out of his cramped apartment and to a nicer home (let's ignore the fact that I'm given money by the government and that it isn't too much) near the beach where we could bask in peace and happiness we've fought so hard for. I want to be yours.
I wish you stayed a little longer so that you would I could tell you how much you mean to me. People like you are hard to come by, and I'm so lucky I had you. You're so handsome and charming and wonderful and you always do what's right, so you could have anyone you want. I still don't know why you chose me, but I am so grateful. I wish I could have met your parents to tell them how much I love their work of art they created together. I wish they could have been okay with me so that I could have spent more time with you (that is if they were the ones who forced you away from me, but it's okay I don't hate them because I understand). Thank you so much for loving me and giving me chances that I will never deserve no matter how much I repent.
You've left me in shambles, but I still only have eyes for you and only you.
Goodbye, my love. I hope I've been good enough and forgiven so that I can meet you again one day. I love you, my angel, my sunshine, my beautiful and extraordinary Eren.
Yours always,
Levi.
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this is the final email chapter so next chapter won't be too boring i promise.
