Day 401 without you.
I don't want to live like this anymore, but I can't bring myself to end it all either because I know you wouldn't like that.
I'm starting to question that perhaps you didn't leave because you wanted to, but because you were forced to. But I know you, Eren, I've witnessed your true self in your weakest and strongest moments and if you were forced, I have a feeling you would have sent a sign that you're still thinking about me a long time ago.
I still have our old messages saved and on those particular nights where I feel that I'm about to crack, I read them. It makes me sad, but it relieves me of some pain I had bundled up within me.
I stopped paying for heat in our apartment since I always stay in the same room when I'm not eating or shitting. I feel as if this is my world now. My world is nothing but a lonely box where the memory of you and I are nothing more than shadows of the past. Your clothes are still here, but I haven't touched most of them. I don't want to move them around too much because I'm trying my best to make it appear as if you're still here with me. I read the book you left behind, you know, the one you read out to me that one time? You folded a lot of corners and highlighted many sentences. These tiny details make me feel strangely upset. Probably because, like me, you've left it behind the way it had been.
I forgot how monochrome and quiet life is without you. And I realized that silence is deafening. Most nights I play this loop of a record of your voice so that I can fall asleep without a problem. It helps sometimes, but then I remember you're not here with me and then I fall apart again.
I lost a lot of weight and I've been feeling awfully lightheaded lately. I'm not surprised considering that all I've been consuming has been instant meals and noodles with a few bottles of alcohol, but only once a day. I know that I should get better and that I need to take care of myself as you would say, but what's the point?
I think this will be my last letter for a while. I need some time to think writing won't help me with anything.
I miss you.
