Normal //Ryan Metzger

04: its okay

   "It's been three days," Jess said from the kitchen as I sat on the edge of my bed, biting my nails down to a nub. "You at least owe the dude an explanation."
    "What? That I'm afraid of the future?" I laughed a little laugh, shaking my leg in an anxious way.
    "I'm telling you, just call him," she said, leaning against the door frame of my bedroom door with her mug in her hands. "You should have seen drunk Lauren's smile with him last night."
     "We all know drunk Lauren doesn't know what she's doing half the time," I mumbled under my breath, holding the note he had written in one hand and my cell in the other.
     "Just do it," she groaned, turning towards the hallway to the living room. "You're never this way with guys usually. You always rip the bandage off."
     She was right, usually guys don't make it past the doorway before letting them down as easy as I could.
     "Don't think about the curse!" She laughed from the living room, causing me to roll my eyes to the back of my head. Jess liked to believe that when guys go through me, they find their love of their lives right after. Sick, of you ask me, but ever since everything that has happened, she does have a point.
       I let out a heavy sigh, typing in number by number of the small handwriting on the paper. I crumbled the paper up as I pressed 'call', tossing it behind me on the bed.
       I kept biting my nails down to nothing until I heard the familiar click on the other line after the fifth call ring.
      "Hello?" Ryan said in a groggy tone. Shit, I thought to myself, I just woke him up.
       "Hey," I said into the phone, sitting up straighter at the sound of his voice. "It's Lauren. Uh, Lauren Pearson from the party the other night."
      "Oh hey," he said, his voice perking up a little bit more, making me crack a small smile. "How are you?"
      "I'm good," I lied, trying to keep my smile on my face. "Yeah, what about you?"
       "Not too bad," he said. "What's up?"
        "I was just wondering if you were free sometime and wanted to grab a cup of coffee or something?"
What the fuck are you doing? I asked myself.
       "Yeah, I'd love to," he said in a surprised manner. "Does today work at all?"
        "I'm free all day," I said into the phone, standing up and pacing the room in small, slow steps while biting at my thumbnail.
        "Joe's at 11 work with you?" He asked. I could hear rustling around in the background of the phone call.
       "Perfect," I said, looking at the clock on the wall that said 10:23 AM. Shit.
        "Alright I'll see you then, Ohio," he said, I could hear his smile behind the phone line within his voice.
He's going to be like all of them, my thoughts said to me. As soon as you tell him he will be gone within a snap of your fingers.
      "Well that sounds better than how I was expecting that to go," Jess said, standing at the door laughing.
       "Shut up," I laughed
*
*
    I walked around the corner towards Joe's coffee shop, just six blocks away from my apartment. Even in my sweater, I could feel the autumn wind grow colder.
     I walked into the shop, the dull lights and dark setting made my eyes need adjusting. The strong smell of coffee stung my nose and eyes a little.
     I looked around the shop at all of the people. A single mom grabbing her morning fix while trying to calm down a screaming two year old, college freshman sitting around a big table giggling about their first semester expectations at Columbia, and then I saw him.
      Ryan sat all the way in the back at a raised stool table. He bobbed his head a little as he furiously played with the keys on his computer, his face in full attention mode to the screen. Even in the dark of the shop, there was still a lot of light behind his eyes.
     I approached the table with caution, not to startle him and not to overwhelm myself in the process. I could already feel my stomach wanting to drop straight out of my body.
     "Hey," I said quietly, gripping onto my purse's straps. Ryan didn't move his eyes from the screen that looked like it had a bunch of tracks displayed.
     Ryan glanced up quickly, jumping up from his seat when he realized it was me. He ripped his headphone off, setting them on the keyboard of his laptop.
     "Hey!" He said, pulling me into a quick hug. I hesitated at first, not expecting a hug, but wrapped my arms around his torso.
      "What are you working on?" I said, pointing to his laptop that he was putting away. I took my seat across from him, hopping up on the high seat.
      "Just a project that I'm doing with my brothers," he said hesitantly. "We make music and I'm the one that produces the songs."
      "How cool," I smiled, folding my hands in my lap. "How long have you been doing that for?"
      "Since 2005, actually," he said, making my eyebrows raise.
       "That's crazy, can I listen?"
        "One peppermint mocha," the barista said to us, setting the big mug in front of me, cutting Ryan off. "And one black tea with honey."
        "Thank you," I said to the barista, taking the mug in my hands. I turned to Ryan with a smile. "How'd you know I love these?"
         "Okay, do you want the real or fake answer to this," He said, setting his backpack on the ground and smiling.
         "Both," I said cracking a smile. I sipped the sweet coffee. He laughed and looked up at me.
         "Well, I would love to say that I knew this whole time and wanted to surprise you but the truth is is that I completely guessed and had the barista pick a popular drink."
        "Well, Ms. barista lady did right," I laughed, sipping the hot drink.
        "So you said you wanted to talk?" Ryan asked, folding his hands together around his mug.
         "Yeah," I said, tensing up. I gripped the mug in my hands, trying to not make eye contact. "Look, I think you're an amazing guy-"
         "But?" He said, his smile kinda fading out a little bit.
         "I'm just-" I said, trying to find words in my brain, that was running a mile an hour. "I'm not the girl that you want to end up with."
         "May I ask why?" He said, leaning into the conversation. "If it's not too much."
          "Ryan, what are your thoughts on kids? Like having them one day in the future?"
          "Um, I mean I would definitely love to have kids-"
          "Exactly," I said to him, leaning back a little bit, pushing away the coffee mug that I was so eager about just a few moments ago.
          "Lauren, are you okay?" He asked, delicately placing his fingers on my hand.
          "Not really, Ryan," I said, letting out a small pity laugh. "This may be a lot of information, considering we just met a few days ago, but something really bad happened a few years ago."
          Ryan's hand slipped around mine as his face grew with worry while I talked.
         "They told me that it'd be more that likely that kids are out of the picture for me," I said, trying to not show any emotions. "And like I said, I'm afraid about the future. I don't know what it holds and I don't want to waste mine and anyone's time."
I sat up in my chair, slowly realizing this isn't how it usually goes. I usually tell the guy that my aunt had just died, or that I'm not ready for a serious relationship, or any lie on the top of my head to get them out of my hair because of fear. I've never told anyone what's really going on.
         "Lauren," He said to me. "I'm so sorry. I completely get the whole future thing, trust me. I'm as terrified as you about it all. Well, you've got good reason to be."
"Why are you afraid?" I asked, my voice quieter than what I was hoping. I looked up at him with big eyes as his grew too.
"You know," he said, keeping his hands intertwined with mine in the middle of the two hot mugs. "It's such a scary thing. Everyone expects you to have a plan and to be settled down by a certain age. I'm just scared of the unknown. Even with love, everything is so unknown."
          "It's like, how can I be someone's future when I can't even be my own, you know? That's how I see the whole future thing."
         "I know, I completely understand," he said, drifting off into his own thoughts for a second. "But hey, look at me."
        I looked up at him, gripping onto his hand a little tighter than before.
       "It's okay," he said. "It's all okay."