Normal //Ryan Metzger

28: weight

They tell you after a miscarriage you'll feel pain. Not physical pain, but the pain of guilt that you staple onto yourself like a scarlet A. You'll feel remorse, you'll feel angry, you'll feel. But they always talk about the mother's side of the pain, but never the father's.
  
   Ryan wasn't Ryan for the first week. I wouldn't hear him singing in the shower like he always did. I didn't see him dance while writing and producing spoke steps. I didn't see Ryan be Ryan until Jack asked him if it was okay if they did a mini tour that month.
   "I don't have to go," he repeated to me as I folded his shirts into his suitcase. "I know you need me here and I-"
   "Ryan," I said, closing the suitcase lid. "I need you, but I also need you to be you again."
   "What?" He questioned me as I put this suitcase in the hallway with the others.
    "Forty percent of marriages end after a miscarriage," I said, standing at the doorway with my arms crossed. "I'm not letting us be in that forty percent."
   "Babe," He said walking over to me. He pulled me into him by placing his hands on my hips. "We aren't a statistic following couple. I mean, look what happened just a few months ago."
   I smiled and dropped my head to the ground, looking at our feet as he kissed the top of my forehead.
   "You need this tour," I said quietly as he kept his lips in the same position on my hairline. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in closer. His scent filled me and for a split second, I felt relief. "It's only three weeks, it will be okay."
   "Are you sure?" He asked, pulling me away from his chest to make eye contact with me.
   "Positive," I said, cracking a smile at him. He kissed my forehead again and I began helping him with packing more things.

   Ryan ached with pain the first few nights after we came home from the emergency room. Jack and Jess went to Emily and Adam's for that week to give us our space and time. Good thing they did.
   The first night I sobbed until I couldn't anymore, with Ryan shedding his tears of pain with me. He smoothed back my hair as I soaked the pillow under me with my big tears.
   "It's all my fault," I cried, letting out the sobs that followed. "It's all my fault this happened."
   "It's not your fault love," He said quietly. Even though I couldn't see his face, I could tell he was dropping his own tears by the sniffle he pulled back. "It just happened."
   "We could've had a family started," I said, thinking of Ryan and I's future with a little baby wrapped in a blanket mine or Ryan's mom would make. The little thing being a carbon copy of Ryan, and me not even being mad at that.
   I wanted that future, but I didn't know how bad I wanted it until it was ripped away from my hands right in front of me.
   When the doctor told me three years ago that I would never be pregnant or carry to full term, I took my mother's advice and took that with a grain of salt. Doctors always exaggerate the diagnosis or prognosis, and my family said to keep faith. What happened to Ryan and I was a punch in the gut to that faith. A faith I didn't have anymore.

   What they tell you about miscarriages is is that everything is going to be hard to do. What they don't tell you is that they mean literally everything. Especially grocery shopping.
    Ryan and I would walk down the aisles, picking foods out for the four of us at home for the week. I'd always laugh when Ryan would fake pout to get the candy junk he always wanted to before, me always buying into it. But now, Ryan just set the things in the cart without a word or a pout of the lip.
   I'd brush it off, but not when the children's section would come into view. The first week after, I stared at the little onesies that were hanging on the racks. I could feel the tears on the brink of my lid but I kept my gaze on them.
  "Lauren, I-" Ryan said, wondering why I stopped in the middle of the aisle. When he looked at what I was staring at, I could feel his heart drop into his stomach for him as he gave me a look. "Come on, love, let's get home."

   Everything was stressed now, and with Ryan on the tour, I couldn't do anything but the basics to get by those weeks.
   "Lauren," Emily said, sitting on the edge of my bed. "You need to get out of the house, get some fresh air."
   She placed her hand on my leg but I continued to stare at the beige wall in front of me, barely blinking as is.
   "Yeah, Lauren," Jess pitched in, moving from her position against the wall. "We could go for a walk? Or-?" She sounded as if she was trying to get ideas out of Emily as well.
   "Maybe go find our dresses for the wedding?" Emily said, looking back at me. Jess agreed with her quickly. "Don't you guys have a date yet?"
   "We haven't done anything for it yet," I said, my words cracking as they came out. "Haven't had the motivation."
   "Well here," Jess said, grabbing my arms and forcing me up by them. "You get out of bed and ready, and we will call Ryan and see which dates sound good to him and we will plan it today, huh? A fun girls day."
   I looked up at her and gave her a half smile.
   "I'm not paying you guys as wedding planners, correct?" I asked and the two started laughing.
   "There she is," Jess said, kissing my forehead. "Now go get ready."
   The two of them left the room as I slipped on a pair of jeans and a sweater to keep me warm. I really didn't care for the mess of hair on my head and just ran the brush through it once, forgetting how long it was getting.
   I heard them laughing from the kitchen, so after I was done getting ready, I popped my head out to listen.
   "So what about March? Easy to remember the date for you, since your birthday and it's warm but not too warm and cold but not too cold," Emily said into the speaker on her phone. I heard Ryan's familiar laugh come from the phone on speaker. I could tell he was confused at all of the wedding stuff being thrown at him.
   "What does Lauren say?" He asked into his phone. I could hear the crew in the background setting up for today's show in Chicago.
   "Oh, don't cheat out on me, Metzger," I laughed, walking over to the table that they were sitting at.
   Everyone laughed and Ryan finally answered the question at hand.
   "Yeah, March sounds good," He said. "The 23rd?"
    "The 23rd," Emily repeated it and wrote it down on the notebook she had in front of her. "Sweet, thanks Ry."
   "Bye, love you!" I said to the phone. Ryan yelled it back before Emily clicked off the line.
   "March 23rd," I repeated and let out a sigh of relief. "Let's go get these dresses now."
*
   We pulled up to the bridal shop outside of the city and walked in. Thousands of white gowns flooded the walls and aisles, and I could feel myself becoming more and more overwhelmed by the minute.
   "Hi ladies," a clerk said walking over to us. She was dressed in a really fancy sleek dress that hit just above her knee. "What can I help you guys with today."
   "We were actually looking at some dresses for the bride here," Emily said, ushering to me. "And some bridesmaids dresses for us two as well."
   "Exciting!" She said, clapping her hands together. "Can I see the ring?"
   I smiled and held out my left hand to show her the dainty ring on my hand. She gasped and I took it all in, not stopping my smiles.
   "So, when's the wedding?" She asked anxiously.
   "March 23rd," I said to her.
   "Good," she laughed. "More that enough time to get your dresses in on time. Shall we begin?"
   I shrugged and was yanked back to the fitting  room where I was pulled into many dresses that I didn't know if they looked good or not.
   Emily was my worst critic, telling me what looked good and what didn't.
   I looked in the mirror before walking out of the dressing room, hoping she liked this one.
   When I walked out, Emily and Jess gasped, Emily dropping the dark green bridesmaids dress that was in her hands.
   "What do you think?" I asked, doing a spin in the gown. The dress had long lace sleeves with an a-line base and a flow to it that complimented me. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror behind me and flashed myself a smile. "It's in budget and everything."
   "Lauren," Jess said smiling, crossing her arms. "I think Ryan's heart will stop when he sees you in this on your day."
   I blushed and looked down at the white satin fabric, the idea of marriage setting in quickly.
   "Sold," I said, turning around again to see myself.
   I walked back to the dressing room, slipping off the dress and sliding it into the dress bag they had given me just outside for "the dress". I sent Ryan a quick text, smirking as I did.
   Lauren: found a dress
   Ryan: lemme see!
  Lauren: not until the wedding day, idiot.
  Ryan: :(
    I laughed and grabbed the dress bag, forgetting the worry and pain I had felt just recently with current events. I felt the weight off of my shoulders diminish as I left the dressing room and my worries behind me.
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-I watched too many Say Yes to the Dress before writing this wow