Normal //Ryan Metzger

11: always playing the victim

   A few weeks had gone by since the night of the concert and things were well..happening.
Jess didn't take well with the news of Ryan and Natalie. I kind of took that night as a sign, maybe Ryan and I weren't meant to be and I should just go back to bar hopping and one night stands. Jess on the other hand was furious.
   "Are you fucking kidding me?" She said slamming the door to our apartment after we got home from the concert. Ryan had invited us to the after party, but I didn't have it in me. The slamming of my door made me jump.
   "Jess, it's fine," I said quietly, not turning around to make eye contact with her.
   "No it's not okay," She said. I could see her putting her hands on her hips as her eyes burned holes into my back. "That little shit has been nothing but crushy lovey towards you for months."
   "Jess," I said turning around. "Ryan and I were just meant to be friends and tonight proved that. Don't you think?"
   "Lauren, giving up hope like that-," She started, more softly that her last words, but I cut her off.
   "I never had hope," I said, holding back the same tears as earlier in the night. "You saw the way they looked at each other tonight off stage. You saw the way they held each other. I had my opportunity, but I wasn't ready. And now I'll never be ready for anything."
   "Lauren, that's not true," she said moving closer to me, but I backed away from her. My heels clicked on the floor as I did.
   "It is," I said, letting a single tear from my left eye escape down my cheek. "It has been for the last two years. I'm done trying with this."
    Before Jess could get another word in, I turned and walked to my bedroom, shutting the door lightly behind me.
   But tonight was the night I was restarting. Going back to what I did best: getting drunk and leading guys on until they find their love. It's a cycle.
   I slid on my pumps and grabbed my clutch while throwing on my coat.
   "Where are you going?" Jess asked, all comfy in her pjs.
   "Out," I said, not even looking at her. I tied my coat string and walked towards the door, ready to face whatever Tiffer's bar had in store for me.
  "Lauren," Jess said in a concerned way. "You're scaring me."
   "What is it Jess?" I asked, growing impatient.
   "Ryan said you haven't spoken a word to him since the concert and he's worried sick about you. You've been corralled up in your room for the past four weeks and you only come out when it's 10pm on Saturdays to go 'out'. I'll afraid you're slowly killing yourself, Lo."
   "Jess," I said. "I've been 'slowly' killing myself since September 25, 2016." I names off the date when Blake beat the shit out of me and walked out of the door, leaving that at that.
   Tiffer's Bar was only a block away from the apartment and quick access. I felt my phone blowing up in my pocket with someone trying to call me.
   Ryan's contact photo showed up with a decline and accept button. I couldn't help but to accept.
   "Hello?" I asked, my teeth already clattering from the cold.
   "Hey! What are you doing tonight?" He asked and I could hear the smile coming from his voice.
   "I'm, uh, going to the library to study late," I said, lying through my teeth.
   "Oh, I was wondering if you wanted to come over? Natalie went upstate with her mom for the weekend so I figured we could have some City Boy and Ohio time," he said, hesitating his next words. "Like the good ol' days."
   "Ryan, I don't want you to take offense to what I'm about to say because you are so dead to my heart okay?" I said as I continued to walk.
   I heard him give me confirmation to tell him, so I explained.
   "I can't be the trade off girl," I said in an annoyed tone. "I can't be the girl you run off to when your girlfriend goes out of town for the weekend. Ryan, you haven't texted or called in weeks. Weeks, dude."
  "You haven't either," he said quietly, trying to defend himself.
   "Sorry Ryan, I don't think tonight is a good night." I said and hung up the line. My heart pounded in my chest as I saw his contact photo fade away to my lock screen.
   I let out a sigh and stopped in my tracks to get my thoughts back on track before continuing my walk.
   I got there and walked in, the heat rushing to my cold skin. People crowded the bar; a bachelorette party happening in the corner, drunk guys yelling over a football game, and depressed people ordering whiskey after whiskey.
   I found a place at the bar and ordered my regular vodka and tonic. I sipped on it as I watched the OSU football game from across the room.
   "Yes!" I said to myself as Ohio State scores get another touchdown.
   "Wow," a guy said from behind me. "A girl who knows the game."
   I turned around and saw a guy a few years older than me come up behind me.
   "Hi," he said with a smile. "I'm Michael."
    His smile didn't impact my heart as Ryan's did the first time I saw it. Stop thinking about Ryan, god dammit.
   "Lauren," I said returning the smile. "And I was kind of forced to know the game. My dad is a huge OSU fan."
   "Hm," he said hesitating. "I'm more of a Michigan guy but hey, to each their own."
   Too each their own? I thought to myself No 'to each their own' bullshit. It's OSU not TTUN.
   I shook out of my thoughts and just gave him a smile and turned my attention towards the screen.
   "So, uh. Why is such a pretty girl like you alone in a bar?" He asked, taking the seat beside me.
   "Because I'm depressed," I said to him, not taking my eyes off of the football team. "Couldn't you tell?"
   "Not at all," he said in a tone that showed he didn't know how to respond. The game went to commercial so I spun around to talk to him.
   We hit it off, doing drink after drink and talking about our problems. I avoided telling him about Ryan because I honestly didn't know what was happening.
   As I told the story of how I moved out here to him, his hand creeped up my thigh without me knowing it before it was too late. I pushed his hand away but he resisted it.
   "Hey!" I said with my annoyance growing.
   "What?" He said nonchalantly. "You said you were homesick so why not make you-"
    I jumped up from my chair, my head spinning with the alcohol running through my veins. I stumbled over and squinted so he was in focus.
   "Get the fuck away from me," I said, wiping off the spilt alcohol off of my dress.
   "What the hell? You come to a bar alone to lead a guy on?" He said in a hurtful tone. "Cmon babe-" he grabbed at my wrist and I jerked it away from him.
   As I did that, anger grew in his eyes with the alcohol edging him on. It was the same angry eyes I knew all too well.
   His hand slapped the side of my face, leaving a stinging sensation as it left. I felt hit tears building up behind my eyelids.
   The guys around us attached to the guy to pull him away as I darted from the bar.
  I held my face as I frantically called the only person I knew that was still up this late.
   "Hello?" His voice said, very groggy. "Lauren, what's wrong?"
   "I need your help," I said, hyperventilating as I tried to reach for words. I gave him the address and he hung the phone up.
   In a matter of seconds, a familiar white car pulled up to the side of the road. Jack jumped out of the car before the car was to a complete stop.
   "Lauren, oh my gosh," he said running up to me. "What happened?"
   His hands went straight to the hand mark that was burning red on my cheek. Streams of hot tears ran over the spot, making it even more sensitive. I winced when his cold hands touched it.
   "Some guy got mad that I didn't let him fingerbang me as we watched the OSU game," I said laughing through the pain. "I'm sorry, I didn't know who else to call and Ryan and I-"
   "Lo, it's fine," he said with a smile. "Cmon, lets drive and talk, okay?"
   I nodded and he put his arm around me in a brotherly way, making sure I was safely in the car.
   In our car ride we talked about everything that happened in 2016. The "night", the diagnosis, everything.
   "And that's why I couldn't be with Ryan at the beginning of it all," I said, staring out the window as I talked. I watched the building drive by. "I told myself I was going to ruin his life because of what my ex did. I finally built the courage up the night of the concert to tell him, like, 'hey I know you like me and wow I like you too' but it was too late."
   "I honestly can't even comprehend why they are together," he said, continuing driving. "Like it happened literally within a day."
   "Why'd they start dating?" I asked, looking at his face. His face glistened as the street lamps passed.
   "I guess they had a little too much to drink one night and they stayed up talking and one thing led to another and-"
   "Okay, okay," I said, closing my eyes at the thought of Ryan and Natalie screwing each other.
   Pathetic. You had your chance and you knew. Like you always said, you are bad luck. You come into people's lives and they realized how fucked you are and shoo you away like a stray cat. Hate to break it to you, love. It's the cold truth.
  "I just want to be happy," I said, the tears forming in puddles again. "I thought I'd have that with Ryan, y'know? I thought that maybe, just maybe, this was God telling me that I was in the clear and finally found someone who was right."
   "I know," Jack said, rubbing his thumb in a circle on my hand that was resting on my legs. "Trust me."
   "I can't find another Ryan Metzger, Jack," I said to him as he parked in front of my apartment complex. I was on the brink of full on sobbing. "And I don't know when I'll have a chance again, if I even will."
   I let everything out and fell into the embrace he had opened before I finished my sentence. Wet puddles formed on his coat as tears streamed out of my eyes. All I could think of in that moment was Natalie and Ryan and how happy he looks when she's around. Natalie and Ryan how in all the pictures the fans posted, they looked ecstatic. Natalie and Ryan, how they've got happiness and I'm here. Natalie and Ryan.
   "My brain just swarms with the fact that I'm not good enough," I said in between sobs. "Ryan helped the thoughts but since she walked in, they've came back and won't fucking stop."
   "I'm so sorry Lauren," Jack said to me, squeezing harder. I thought I saw tears of his own forming. "I wish I could take it all away from you, I really do. I can talk to Ryan if you wan-"
   "No," I said very forcefully. "The last thing I was to do is ruin what he's got. He made his decision."
   You made it for him, my thoughts said. You're the one that told him you weren't going to fall in love. Now look at you, desperate and realizing that you royally fucked up, yet again. Nice one, Pearson. Always playing the victim.
_____________________________________
-okay so yeah
-chapter song is 3AM (yes again because it fits and I love that song okay)
-I'm sorry this kinda sucked ??? I've had some writers block for this chapter and pulled this out of my ass in like 30 minutes.