Broken Pieces

Crowded

One of my biggest fears is being trapped in a small tight space. This is called claustrophobia. Many people probably feel this anxious buzz when they are in a large group or people are talking loudly all around. On a six day field trip to Washington D.C., a group of students and teachers got stuck in a tight elevator for around 30 minutes. I was thankful I wasn't among them. It's sort of a reminder not to force something past it's limits, which is exactly what they did. My brain does this to me daily, all the what if's jump out in my face and make me want to crawl into my bed and stay forever. That's an issue too though. What if I don't get that assignment done? What if I fail this test? What if I never speak to my dad again? What if I turn out just like them? What if my mother overdoses? What if my sister never finds herself? What if he doesn't really love me? The what if's that piled on top of me took a life that hadn't even been able to quite begin yet. Stress, another word for this cluster of thoughts that weigh down my brain and turn off my light. Think deeply. I know that I'm capable but the deep thoughts are what swallows me whole and make me wake up screaming in the night. My mind stays crowded. I try to let this out, show the people around me, but they never quite understand. It's not their fault though, as a result of the overcrowding in my brain, I can't adequately represent my feelings. They come out messy and jumbled, words caught in between sobs when my body finally cries out for relief. The relief never comes. Even as I sleep my dreams, even while they try to be peaceful, reflect the horrors of my past. The pain of the day haunts me at night. Suicidal thoughts and feelings are eating me up, I sit in the shower violently sobbing asking God for mercy and for him to take me home. I don't deserve this sweet gift from the heavens but I call out for it daily. I'm a sinner who sins continuously even while fully acknowledging the fact that I am. That's human nature, our evil rotting bodies eat away at our once sacred, beautiful souls. Death knocks at my door every night with a wretched smile that reminds me of the one I killed. Unintentionally but still brutally because of my inability to escape this crowded, horrid mind. No peace, love, or acceptance truly comes to a mind so narcissistic that it can't escape itself. What a tragedy this is for those who don't want to live this life. Not a sociopath, because of the deep, immense feelings that lurk around every thought, action, and word. Not a psychopath, because, even while their mind is wicked and cursed, they would never act as if it were. Even in front of themselves they hide. They have no definition, or not one I can find. They are people, they are you. They hide everything with a smile, a joke. They act confidently even when they question every single minuscule move they make. Or, they hide behind a book, shy most would observe. Yes even those people have overcrowded minds that gnaw away at them, which is maybe why they hide everything so well. I'm the former, representing every part of myself. People don't see some parts but I expose most, this is deadly but ironically many others never seem to quite understand me anyways. Maybe my abstract brain is beyond their comprehension, I hope so anyways. Maybe one day, my brain will clear and I will be able to think and feel things without constant inner interruptions. Hopefully, a bullet won't be the thing to allow this final, sweet relief.