Broken Pieces

Haunting

How much am I truly supposed to care? When I look at other peoples lives I get jealous. I wish my problems were as minute as theirs. At the same time, however, to them their problems are monumental and catastrophic. Just because I can't feel that doesn't invalidate how they feel. I bet there are some out there who are jealous of my life because it seems easy to them. I have food to eat, clothes on my back, a decently nice cellphone, the ability to have a job, the ability to see, I can walk, talk, I'm healthy, I can get an education, I make well on tests, I still have people that care for me, and most importantly, I have God. I'm selfish to be able to roll around in my own self pity just because I don't feel as if I've received the justice I deserve. I can't let things go, I bottle them up, throw them in the ocean and decide I'll worry about it later when it finds its way back to me. Then I wake up in the middle of the night to cold sweats and tears rolling down my face and all I can see is that stupid bottle staring at me at the end of the bed. Ready to explode. Ready to cut me even deeper with the shards until I give up. I'll pick up the broken pieces of my mind, find a new bottle, and send it away once again. Sometimes I find tiny shards with my feet as I walk along. I bleed, cry, get angry, run away. Then I rip out that little shard and scream at it to leave me alone, PLEASE, leave.... I don't want to feel you, see you, or think about you ever again. It never leaves though, just makes copies of itself all begging me to just confront them. Go talk to the demons that tried to tear away every. single. piece. of. you. The ones who whispered pretty lies into your delicate ears at a young age and stole every ounce of your innocence, forgive them. They didn't mean to touch you that way and we promise, they were truly trying to stop. They can't help that your skin was so soft, eyes so wide with wonder, and a heart of pure gold. How could they not want to eat you alive and keep you for themselves forever. Who knew a little girls legs could be so strong. Not even a monster with prying hands, hungry eyes, and snarling mouth could open them anymore. They still tried, they still succeeded sometimes.. You'll never forget that, will you? You'll only be satisfied until the beast is thrown into the ground, covered with the elements he was made of, and never to be seen again. But wait? Doesn't he still come in your nightmares. He gets you right as you close your eyes, he haunts your mind, waiting for you to be alone, finally. He has control there, he feels your fear as you fall right back into his grasp. He knows what hurts you the most, and he uses that. Forever and ever. So you don't sleep, do you? You'd rather claw out your eyeballs then close them to only see his face smiling slyly right at you. "Welcome back." NO. I can't let this happen, WHY do I let this happen. Your energy seeps into my brain like a toxin, you tell me things I don't want to hear. "You'll never be good enough." "You're never going to be able to let that go, will you?" Fuck you. Fuck you and everything you did to me that will traumatize me for the rest of my life. I'll always be scared of new men, the way they look at me, touch me, and especially when they try to love me. You put a steel barrier in between my father and I. He can't look at me without seeing his father lust after his own flesh and blood. You're sick, you'll always be sick. You tell my father things like "I still keep a picture of her in my wallet." "I'd never let her wear makeup if I had a say." You still want me, you don't even know your carbon copy already has me trapped inside my own damn mind. Will I ever escape? Will I always live fearfully? Are you satisfied of the destruction you caused. You went from neglected child to abusive husband to neglectful father to a saved Christian to a pedophile preying on your own granddaughter. How ironic. Of all the horrible things you did in your life, nobody believed me. "He changed! He got saved, found God. He adored you, you adored him. There's no way he'd do something like that." Well, fuck you because guess what, he did. He adored me a little too much, maybe it was my innocence I don't know. Something about his sick mind made me appealing to him. He was the hungry vulture and me the broken infant lamb. You are such a great liar too, you're able to look right into the eyes of the ones you love and tell them that you never did any of this to me. They believe you, of course, because a nine year old with issues isn't expected to be believed. You've haunted me so much more intensely recently, things I would have let slide I can't anymore. I even changed my history class because the teacher believes and voiced it adamantly that " a man shouldn't be prosecuted without sufficient evidence." I'm sorry a child couldn't give you the evidence you need to lock away a devil in disguise. I'm sorry my brain pushed away every memory out of you molesting me so my story became "wishy-washy". I hate I can't remember everything, the glimpses I have haunt me. Then again I don't think I could handle the vivid images of you lurking above me, touching me with your hands and mouth. The tent, I don't talk about it. It's the worst memory my brain has held onto. In the tent you said you "just wanted to try it" so when I tried to crawl away you grabbed my legs pulled down my pants and put your tongue on parts of me I was taught only I was supposed to touch. I covered my eyes trying not to cry, and let it happen. Frozen, defenseless, and broken further once again. Do you see how terrible this is? Do your actions haunt you? Or are you proud that you never got caught? Nobody believed me and everyone believed you. Only those closest to me know that I still have panic attacks. Is he waiting for me? Is he coming to finish what he started? Is he seeking revenge? I had to swallow down pills to numb my brain and let me dream of nothing but blackness. I want to forgive you, but not for you. For me. I don't want to have you creeping along the edges of my mind trying to find a weak spot where you can pierce through and attack my soul once again. I want to let you go, stop caring. But that's not so easy, is it?