Broken Pieces

Erased

The shower is where I think the most. I let all the memories, words, feelings flood into my brain and paralyze me for just a moment. Then I grab the soap, lather myself up, reach for a rag, and try to rub away every particle you left on my body. I want to peel off a few layers of my skin and burn them. Discard the marks left by your tender mouth, the marks left by your powerful hands. You can erase my name all you want but I bet the memory of me is going to burn deep into the depths of your mind. You left me this time, you broke me this time, you left me empty this time. Did you think this would help me get over you? Did you seriously think that? Instead I lie here wondering why I wasn't good enough for you to want. I would have chosen you, given you time. I'm not on some fucking power trip, my feelings are real, they are valid. I just needed time too, I needed you. You soothed my brain, made me feel like my body was beautiful. Now I'm just trying to think of ways to make my body good enough for him. Be enough for him, cleanse my mind for him. How do you think him and I will ever be okay when you couldn't give me closure. You just shut me out, locked the door, and let me soak in the downfall of my own tears. You think I'll thank you later, how could I thank someone who promised they wouldn't run. They'd always be there, it's gonna fuck with me for forever. Just know that, know that you took my damn advice and broke me. Parts of me wish I would've never met you, then none of this would be a problem at all. Or maybe those parts of me wish that I could've continued hating you forever. Maybe you should have stayed the same so I could still look at you and see a person I could never envision a happy future with. Instead you had to hold me in ways I've never been held before. Told me things no one has ever told me before . Made me feel at peace, even when I could feel my storm coming. You could always calm me, even if that meant calling me out on my bullshit and making me realize shit. When I'm with you, I don't get jealous of other girls. Even if you do talk to them I know you'd make me your only, you have no intention of going for someone else if you had me. I'm sick, can't sleep or sleeping too much. I want to eat but every single time I do my stomach goes in knots. When I'm with him I feel guilty because all I can think about is you. I want so bad for him to be able to soothe me just like you could. But I guess I'll never have that happiness, will I? You don't want me, stop lying. If you wanted me you wouldn't be the one walking away from me, I want you. He may be what's good for me, but you're the only one who will ever be able to numb my brain, even if it's only for a little while. You've put up a no trespassing sign on your heart and everything within me wants to tear it down, and break into you. You can learn how my body works, moves... if you'd just let me show you. I just want you to see that shutting me out of your life is killing me, not healing me.