A Merry Muppet Mash-Up

ACT 1: SCENE 1

As part of 'Journey Through the Snow' plays, Kermit the Frog appears in 19th-century German clothing - a grey wig, tri hat, red frock coat with gold embroidery, and buttons. He stands in the mansion's entranceway while a gentle snow falls as the mansion's staff shovels the snow off the entranceway.

Kermit/E. T. A. Hoffmann: "Hi oh. My name is E. T. A. Hoffmann. I will be your narrator for this story, as I know it by heart." [Places his hand beside his mouth and whispers] "Mainly because I wrote it." [Laughs. Then shivers as the wind blows] "Burr! It's cold out here! Let's go inside to hear the story."

Quickly runs into the mansion behind the staff as they shake the snow off their hats and coats.

Kermit/Hoffmann: "Ah. Nice and warm in here."

The inside is a foyer that connects to a massive living room with an intricate star pattern rug on the floor. The walls are gold/yellow with a fireplace on the left and a door to the kitchen on the right. There is a grand stairway three yards away from the fireplace. A chandelier is hanging from the dome skylight. A large, bare Christmas tree is set up near the fireplace.

Kermit surveys the area. Then walks around, avoiding the staff, before stopping at the threshold of the kitchen doorway. He nods in approval. Turns his attention to the audience.

Kermit/Hoffmann: "This looks like a good spot to tell the story." [Clears his throat] "It is Christmas Eve at the- Ah!" [Quickly jumps out of the way as the kitchen door suddenly swings open. A thirteen-year-old boy and an eight-year-old girl run out of said kitchen]

Marie: [Shouts as she gives chase] "Give it back, Fritz!"

Fritz: [Dangles Marie's book in front of her as he evades her grasp] "Make me, Marie!"

Kermit/Hoffmann: [Sticks his head out from behind the kitchen door after the two kids run away from his hiding spot] "I thought this door opened the other way." [Shakes his head] "As I was saying. It is Christmas Eve at the Stahlbaum Mansion." [Pauses as he tests the pronouncement of Stahlbaum. Then shakes his head and continues] "The two children, who just ran through the door, are Fritz and Marie."

The scene then shows Fritz and Marie running all over the room and in between the staff, who are setting up long tables.

Kermit/Hoffmann: "Both Fritz and Marie are the adopted children of Mr. Stahlbaum." [Pauses as the scene focuses on him] "They are not actually brother and sister, but they did grow up together."

The scene then resumes its focus on the children running about. Just then, as the two kids are about to knock over one of the staff members, a loud whistle pierces the chaos. The scene moves to the upper stairway where Clara and Emily Bear are. The whistle had come from Emily.

Emily/Mrs. Stahlbaum: [Shouts] "Instead of causing trouble for the staff! Why don't you two make yourselves useful and help Clara with the tree decorations? Your Godfather will be here any minute!"

Right then and there, loud cannon fire is heard. The staff and kids quickly ran to open every door and window in the room. Clara is the first to open the skylight just in time as Gonzo in a top-hat and frock coat drops in with a crash.

Gonzo/Drosselmeyer: [Yells as he holds his arms out in a 'Ta-Da' pose while smoke is under his feet and his top hat is over his face] "Merry Christmas everybody!"

Kermit/Hoffmann: "That is Hans Drosselmeyer. The Stahlbaum's neighbor and Clara, Marie, and Fritz's Godfather." [Whispers as the scene focuses on him, still hiding behind the kitchen door] "He's a little crazy, but a good guy." [Regular voice] "Oh! I forgot to mention that Clara and Marie are real sisters. Clara, unfortunately, had aged out of the foster system and the Stahlbaums couldn't adopt her. So the orphanage, where all three children first lived, is sending her away after Christmas. Much to both sisters' disappointment."

Resuming focus on a smoking Drosselmeyer.

Gonzo/Drosselmeyer: "Clara! Fritz! Marie!" [Keeps hat over his face as he looks left and right] "Anyone!" [Spins in a circle as smoke dissipates before pushing his hat off his face revealing a patch over his left eye. He then sees all three kids standing beside an annoyed Mrs. Stahlbaum by the staircase] "Oh, there you are."

Emily/Mrs. Stahlbaum: [Scoldingly] "Hans Finnegan Drosselmeyer! When are you ever going to use the door like a gentleman?!"

Gonzo/Drosselmeyer: [Cheerfully] "When my cannon can no longer fire me out of it, Mrs. Stahlbaum."

Then Fozzie Bear comes out of a door upstairs, dressed in traditional 19th-century party attire with a big wig.

Fozzie/Mr. Stahlbaum: [Shouts from the upper stairs] "I heard the cannon fire! Did our good friend and neighbor, Drosselmeyer, break anything?"

Emily/Mrs. Stahlbaum: [Shouts back] "Not this time! But one of these days he's gonna! I thought I told you to talk to him about using the front door from now on!"

Fozzie/Mr. Stahlbaum: [Continues to shout as he descends the stairs] "I did!"

Fritz: "Why are you dressed like that, Mr. Stahlbaum?"

Fozzie/Mr. Stahlbaum: "For the party of course!" [Shows off his outfit when he reaches the bottom of the stairs] "I want to make sure I turn heads." [Laughs]

Marie: "But the party's not for another six and a half hours, Mr. Stahlbaum."

Fozzie/Mr. Stahlbaum: "I know, I know. But this way I won't be rushed. And you, Fritz, and Clara can call me Dad, you know."

Clara: "Are you forgetting that those stuffed shirts won't let you adopt me? Even though I'm still technically 17." [Looks at her wristwatch] "For another twelve and a half more hours."

Emily/Mrs. Stahlbaum: [Pats Clara on her hand in a soothing manner] "No one is more disappointed than we are that we couldn't adopt you in time."

Both Clara and Marie avoid eye contact. Then Fozzie turns to Gonzo.

Fozzie/Mr. Stahlbaum: "Drosselmeyer."

Gonzo/Drosselmeyer: "Yo."

Fozzie/Mr. Stahlbaum: "Please humor my mother by using the door."

Gonzo/Drosselmeyer: [Objects] "But the cannon entrance is my signature trademark!"

Fritz: "Then why don't you use this phone app that sounds like a cannon going off?" [Takes out his phone and taps the app. The sound of a cannon explodes from the phone]

Gonzo/Drosselmeyer: [In awe of the app] "Cool! May I borrow that, Fritz?" [Fritz hands him the phone] "Be right back!" [Runs out the front door. Closes it. Then plays the cannon sound at high volume. Gonzo then bursts into the entranceway with his arms widespread and yells] "Merry Christmas everybody!"

The kids, Mrs. Stahlbaum, and the staff all fondly shake their heads while Fozzie claps his hands.

Gonzo/Drosselmeyer: [Gives Fritz his phone back] "Thank you, my boy."

Fritz: [As he puts his phone back in his pocket] "Don't mention it."

Emily/Mrs. Stahlbaum: "Since you're here, Drosselmeyer, make yourself useful by helping Fritz get the tree decorations out of the garage."

Gonzo/Drosselmeyer: [Salutes] "Yes, ma'am. Come on, my boy. Let's go! Whoopee!" [Does somersaults all the way to the garage while Fritz walks calmly behind, after giving Marie back her book.]

Staff Member #2: [Shouts to the retreating pair] "Be careful! The staff and I have been hearing rat noises coming from that place all day!"

Emily and Fozzie/Mr. and Mrs. Stahlbaum both: [Exclaim] "Did you say rats?"

End of Scene 1.