A Merry Muppet Mash-Up

ACT 1: SCENE 4

As Clara is walking towards a workshop behind the Stahlbaum's garage. Kermit is standing in the snow, hiding behind one of the snow-covered trees on the Stahlbaum property.

Kermit/Hoffmann: [Addresses the audience] "You may have noticed that this isn't the same story as the original from the 1800s. But if this was the same old story, you all would get up and leave the theater." [Turns his head to watch Clara go inside the workshop. He walks to the nearest workshop window, looks inside, and resumes his narration] "Inside the workshop, Clara works diligently on restoring the nutcracker."

The scene focuses on Clara and moves in a fast-forward motion to the rhythm of 'The Chinese Dance'. She removes the old paint, sands down the ruffed edges of the wood, and repaints the nutcracker. However, she couldn't find any red paint so she had to paint the nutcracker's coat blue. Then the scene's focus goes back to Kermit.

Kermit/Hoffmann: [Turns back to the audience as a Band Bus and two Cater Vans come up the Stahlbaum's driveway] "Clara has been working on the nutcracker and hasn't noticed the Christmas Eve Ball is about to begin."

The scene focuses on Clara, without her coat, in the workshop putting the finishing touches on a fully restored nutcracker. Clara looks at the clock on the wall above the door. The clock reads 4:45.

Clara: [Exclaims/shouts] "Oh shoot!"

Clara hurriedly puts the nutcracker in a decorated red box with Christmas snowflakes and places a gold ribbon bow on the lid. She grabs the box, and the blue book, and runs with all her speed out of the workshop to the back door of the Stahlbaum's mansion. And nearly knocks Fritz over.

Fritz: [Exclaims as he holds his hands out to stop the two of them from crashing into each other] "Whoa, Clara!"

Clara: [Barely stops in time] "Sorry, Fritz!"

Fritz: "Z'OK, but you can't go this way."

Clara: "How come?"

Fritz: "That green toad is back there looking for you."

Clara: [Exclaims] "Him again! Good grief! When is he ever gonna get the picture?! I can't believe the Stahlbaums let him in!"

Fritz: "They didn't. He just showed up wanting to talk to you."

Clara: [Sighs in aggravation] "Well he won't leave until he does, so I might as well get the unpleasantness over with." [Hands Fritz the book and box] "Can you keep these out of Marie's sight?" [Pauses] "And Barnaby's?"

Fritz: [As he's holding the book and box] "No problem. But why don't you call that toad Barney and get him out of your life?"

Clara: "Why would I call that vile evil toad the name of a beloved purple dinosaur from our childhood?"

Fritz: [Thinks about what she just said] "Touche."

Clara leaves the back foyer heading towards the kitchen, looking ready for battle. The scene moves to the upper floor of the grand stairway where Kermit is watching the staff help set up the band's stand. While Emily, Fozzie, and Gonzo are trying to shoo away Wander McMooch.

Kermit/Hoffmann: [Explains to the audience] "The mean-looking, sharply dressed, green toad downstairs with the top hat and crookedly twisted cane is the newly arrived Miser, Mr. Barnaby." [Places his hand beside his mouth] "That's someone who hoards wealth and spends as little money as possible." [Puts his hand down] "Now in fairness, there are such things as nice misers." [Looks back at McMooch] "But Barnaby is not one of them. In fact, he's the greediest toad in all of history."

The scene focuses on McMooch talking to Emily, Fozzie, and Gonzo.

McMooch/Barnaby: [Giving himself airs] "Well, surely Miss Clara can decide for herself about that."

The Stahlbaums and Drosselmeyer/Emily, Fozzie, and Gonzo: [Point to the door] "Leave!"

Even the staff and the band members do the same.

McMooch/Barnaby: [Unamused, he stamps the point of his crooked cane on the floor before saying] "I have tried the polite route! Now I am demanding to see Miss Clara!"

Clara: [Says testily from the kitchen doorway] "What do you want, Barnaby?"

Everyone turns their heads to her.

McMooch/Barnaby: [Resumes giving himself airs] "Ah, Miss Clara, don't you look ravishing this evening."

Clara: [Not flattered and impatiently says] "Say what you came here to say and go." [Points to the door] "And if it's another proposal. Need I remind you that you can't legally propose to me until the day after Christmas? To which my answer is, and always will be, NO!"

McMooch glares at Clara while Emily and Fozzie, staff, Gonzo, and everyone else in the living room, including Kermit from the stairway, all applaud and cheer. But before McMooch can say anything, she continues.

Clara: "I have told you 'no' so many times that I firmly believe you've skipped out on basic education as you've skipped out on paying your bills! Now, are you going to leave, or do we have to sick the dogs on you? Again!"

McMooch/Barnaby: [Stomps the end of his crooked cane on the floor and shouts] "I fell for that trick once, young woman! I'm not falling for it again!"

Floyd Pepper: [From the band stand] "Who needs dogs when we've got Animal!" [Turns to Animal and points to McMooch] "Get 'im, boy!"

Animal: [Growls and yells] "Mean Toad! Mean Toad!" [He runs after a fleeing McMooch]

McMooch/Barnaby: [Screams as he's running from Animal] "AHHHH!"

As McMooch reaches the door, Animal grabs hold of the end of his tailcoat with his teeth. With a loud and mighty rip, the tailcoat is torn from McMooch's suit. Animal stops at the doorway as McMooch slips on an ice patch and falls down the entrance stairs. McMooch makes several sounds of pain as he falls down the stairs before landing, head first, in a pile of shoveled snow.

He pulls his head out and spits out a mouthful of shoveled snow. Then turns and yells angrily from the bottom of the stairs as he shakes his fist.

McMooch/Barnaby: "I won't forget this! You'll be sorry!"

McMooch gets up and runs down the driveway, fleeing into the darkened streets. While back inside the living room, Emily and Fozzie, Gonzo, the staff, the band, and the kids are all cheering and praising Animal. Animal bows with the piece of McMooch's tailcoat still in his mouth. Then he returns to the bandstand where he and the Electric Mayhem resume their tuning and stage set up; after spitting the piece of tailcoat into the burning fire in the fireplace.

Emily/Mrs. Stahlbaum: [While the staff resumes their chores, she takes Clara's arm] "You'd best be getting ready. The party starts in." [She looks at the old Grandfather Clock and exclaims] "Five minutes!"

Emily rushes Clara up the stairs while Fozzie, Fritz, and Marie rush about putting the finishing touches on the living room. Then both Fritz and Marie run upstairs to their rooms to change into their party clothes.

Gonzo/Drosselmeyer: [Shouts as he runs to the front door] "I gotta go home and change!" [Stops as he opens the door. A little snow is falling and blowing into the room. He turns his head to Fozzie and shouts] "I'll be back in an hour; with presents! Listen for my cannon fire!" [He slams the door and whoops as he slips on the ice patch]

End of Scene 4.