Wasting Time

10

Sirius and I fought. A lot. It had always been a hallmark of our relationship. It didn't mean we didn't love each other. It was just how we were. This particular fight, however, reminded me of our first fight.

"Marlene, I have to tell you something."

"No you don't." Sirius looked over at me with a slight crease between his eyebrows.

"You don't even know what I'm going to say."

"Yes I do. And you don't have to."

"Yeah, i do have to say it. Marlene, i—"

"Please don't. Please don't tell me you love me." He looked hurt. "We have something good Sirius. Please don't ruin it."

"How will me loving you ruin what we have? Because you don't love me?"

"That isn't what I said!"

"It sure feels like that's what you're saying."

"No, Sirius I promise it's not. It's just...it'll complicate everything so much. And everything is so dangerous right now. We shouldn't get anymore attached then we already are."

"Well, what if I'm already attached?"

"Why are you trying to force this on me? I can't do this right now Sirius! It's too much!" I turned and stormed out of the dormitory.

"Don't tell me you love me Sirius!" I yelled at him across the common room.

"We are not doing this again McKinnon! We've been through this once before and I don't do it again!"

"It's not up to you! Okay, you don't know everything about me and if you did, you'd change your mind! So just don't!" His face fell. I could feel waves of emotion coming off of him. He thought I'd cheated on him.

"What aren't you telling me Marlene?" The hurt was apparent in his voice.

"I can't have kids okay! So I totally get it, that's a huge dealbreaker!" He took a few steps closer to me, barking at people who were staring at us to leave us alone.

"Not for me, Marlene. Nothing could make me change my mind about you."

Sirius found me a few hours later. I was curled up in a corner of the library that Sirius and I would go to make out sometimes. He sat down behind me. We both spoke at the same time.

"I'm sorry," we said in unison.

"I shouldn't be trying to force this on you. If you don't want to mess this up, we won't."

"No, Im sorry. I do love you Sirius. I love you so much. But I am so scared. The more people you love, the more you can lose. And we're going to start losing people really soon. I know it. And you know it too."

"I'd rather die knowing I did everything I could to be happy than die having closed myself off from everything. The Marlene McKinnon I know isn't scared of anything. You are fire Marlene. Be fire."

He leaned forward and brushed a piece of hair back from my eyes. I leaned forward and kissed him.

"I love you, Sirius Black."

"I love you Marlene McKinnon. Very much."

Most of our fights ended the same way, and that one kind of set the precedent. It was a good thing that we were in a secluded corner of the library.

"Why are you so upset about this?" He asked. "You don't even want kids."

"You could change your mind one day," I said quietly. "And now, even if I did change my mind, it wouldn't matter. It's not up to me anymore."

"I could never change my mind about you McKinnon."

He closed the gap between us and kissed me. That fight ended the same as all our other fights.