Wasting Time

26

Sirius likes when I read to him. He always had. So that's what I did Sunday mornings. We were now so close to exams that we should be revising, and Lily would lecture us later for wasting our moments, but we read anyway. This particular Sunday, I was reading from my copy of Love Poems by Pablo Neruda. In particular, I was reading Sonnet LXVI: I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You.

"In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood" I read, the end of the poem. It was one of my favorites. I looked over at Sirius and remembered why I loved it. He was already looking at me, playing idly with a piece of my hair. "Do you want to read another?" I asked him softly.

"Just let me look at you."

"You can look at me while I read," I pointed out.

"Well yes, but then you're not looking at me, are you?" He paused for a moment. "Marlene, are you okay? You have something on your mind." I sighed.

"It's so close to summer," I said vaguely. "I kept wondering if anyone will be home when I get there."

"Euphemia will be, and James and I."

"No...I meant my parents house." I sat up and crawled out of bed, sat on the windowsill and lit a cigarette. I looked out the open window but I didn't really felt like I saw anything.

"I didn't think you'd be going back there," he replied sullenly. I looked at him.

"I have to go back at some point. I still have stuff there. And they're my family Sirius."

He scoffed, and he was right to. I had only heard from Milo in the many months since Micah had died. I shouldn't have been surprised, they were the only two I was ever close with. The other three were too old and uninterested. I grew up with a big family, but it had always felt like it was just Milo, Micah, my mother, and me.

"Have you heard from them?" He asked. But he was gentle, not the rough, callous way he would have asked in the past. I shook my head.

"Not from Matthew or Max or Marcus. Me and Milo talk. But it's like the other three have just forgotten about me."

"What does Milo say?"

"He told me that the others are ok. Busy, not good at sending letters. I don't know. I just have a bad feeling. I love them, y'know? And I know it's stupid but I just have this feeling that something bad is going to happen and I'm not even gonna know because I never hear from them."

"Have you tried writing to them again?" I nodded.

"I just sent Max and Matt letters yesterday. I've stopped trying with Marcus, he doesn't give a shit about me. But maybe this time I'll hear back."

"You know you're staying at the Potters's this summer, right? Even if I would let you stay at that house, Euphemia would not," he told me. I smiled.

"Trust me, that's where I want to be." I kissed him, and as I did, Lily walked through the door.

"Break it up, you too," she said as she entered. "I've given you the morning off for your weird reading ritual, which I am still unconvinced is not code for sex, but you two need to revise! You've barely touched your books and exams start in a week."

"Lily, we hardly touch our books ever and we've done alright up till now," I pointed out.

"Oh for Christ's sake, just come hang out with us. James got his hands on some fire whiskey and he misses his boyfriend." I nudged Sirius.

"That's you babe." He went to stand up and Lily covered her eyes.

"Please tell me you have pants on," she groaned.

"Jesus Christ Lily, for the last time we're not having sex up here! Reading isn't code for sex, we're just reading a book!" I laughed. She uncovered her eyes and sighed in relief when she saw Sirius with pants on.

We followed Lily down to the common room. Sirius didn't bother to put on a shirt, and I was still in his T-shirt and underwear, but no one said anything to us. James actually cheered as we made our way towards the group. The couch was full. Dorcas, Mary, Remus, and Peter were squished together. Lily sat on the floor, surrounded by books, notes, note cards, and quills and ink, and James sat on the floor watching her with a dopey look on her face. Sirius sat on the arm chair and I immediately curled up on top of him. He rubbed my back idly as I watched our friends chatter away.

"Oh my god Lily," I groaned after looking at James a minute too long. "Don't worry so much about Sirius and I, go screw your boyfriend so he stops looking at you like that. I'm gonna be sick" I teased. James blushed, but everyone else laughed.

"You mean the same way Sirius is looking at you?" Mary teased back. I laughed and squeezed Sirius's cheeks, making a face at home.

"Further proof that reading is not code for sex," I replied.

There was a tap at the window and I looked up to see James' owl, whom I had borrowed to write to my brothers. I frowned slightly. I hadn't really been expecting a response, especially not one so quickly. I quickly opened the window, letting the bird in, and grabbing the letter from his leg. A smile broke across my face as I saw the familiar, neat handwriting. Matthew.

Sirius and James were looking at me expectantly.

"Matt," was all I said before opening the letter and beginning to read.

"So?" James prompted as I finished reading. "What does Matt have to say?" I shrugged.

"He apologized for not writing sooner, said stuff has been really busy with the order. He says I should stay with you this summer, which I was assuming would be the only thing your mother would allow anyway, but that I'll be seeing him, Milo, and max soon."

Sirius kissed my cheek, understanding the mixture of excitement and caution I was feeling. I loved my brothers, but I didn't really trust them anymore.

"That's great Marly, I'm glad you finally heard from them," James said, smiling.

"Only took what, six, seven months?" I said, but I hugged the letter to my chest, my heart feeling full.