Never There ~ A Jelsa Story~

37; Symptoms!

5 months later

I arose from my presumable long nap, in an uncomfortable position. I felt a sharp pain and realised I had a bad cramp. I stretched my leg and sat up. I glanced around the room, uncertain of where I was. I recognised that I was in the bedroom. I must have fallen asleep whilst reading the novel I had become fond of - Dreaming of Nightmares. It was the tale of a teenage girl - a student - who became a mother against her will at the tender age of 16. I recognised that it was rather cliche, though it was an excellent read, especially for someone in my condition. It was quite touching to learn about the passing of this girl's parents just 24 hours before the due date, and how despite having no guidance, she raised and nurtured her daughter well. The new mother was an orphan and a single mother, yet she managed to secure a high-paying accountancy career to handle the bills. The book may be slightly unrealistic, I gave the critics that, though no-one could deny that it was inspiring. I hoped that I would not have to go through that ordeal, though I could empathize with her about the loss of her parents.

I began to re-read the book when I overheard Michael. He seemed to be on the phone. I cradled my stomach. "Come around later, love! Elsa's out, at the moment." I frowned as I heard this, remembering a similar conversation I had heard approximately 5 months ago. I placed my book down on the little table and shuffled into my slippers. I attempted not to make a sound as I tip-toed down the stairs. He appeared to be startled when I walked into the living room. He hung the phone up. "El-Elsa? I thought you were in the park!"

I folded my arms. "No, Anna took the children to play centre instead. Who were you on the phone to?"

Michael coughed. Anyone would be able to tell that something was wrong; you could see the cogs turning in his head. "My cousin."

I scoffed, brushing the hair out of my eyes. "You call your cousin love?"

"I love her a lot," Michael replied, dumbly. Without thinking, he dropped his phone onto the space beside him on the sofa. Almost on autopilot, I grabbed his phone. I understood now the kind of man he was. The most untruthful kind - the type that would never tell the truth no matter how much it killed them. I entered his password and located the call log. My heart pounded furiously until I found what I was looking for. I threw the phone at him, aiming for his face. He caught it. "What planet do you think you are on, Elsa? You're so aggressive!"

I started writhing with anger, almost white in the face. "Me, aggressive? All you ever do is shout at me!" I tried to continue, but the thoughts flooded in. My voice cracked, choking me. I took a shaky breath and went on, "How do you think that makes me feel? Eh? I've lost everything I ever loved. My friends, my husband, my home? To be with you. And you treat me like trash. You forced me into something that I would never have wanted to do. Pregnancy is horrible. Men never understand." I shook my head, and let the tears fall. "No men... except Jack!"

Michael stood up. "Is this what it is all about? You still have feelings for that... idiot."

I clenched my fist to stop myself. I was in disbelief. "Are you serious?" I was shaking from head to toe. All the pain I had felt and bottled up was coming out, flooding everything in its path. "Don't even try to deny it. Rapunzel, heart, heart? That was your last call. RAPUNZEL?! If you were going to cheat on me, at least do it with someone who didn't have an affair with my ex-HUSBAND!" I knew it hadn't quite been an affair, but the fact still stood that she had ruined every relationship I had ever had.

"I want you to leave."

I stopped shaking, as I felt his cold eyes on my face. "W-What?!"

"Leave," he repeated, sternly. I shook my head, refusing point-blank. How dare he? I was about 7 months pregnant! "Now. Leave!" He raised his hand and slapped my massive stomach. "You were never grateful for anything I did for you. I gave you a HOME, I gave you the pleasures of LOVE. I gave you A CHILD!"

I was almost hyperventilating, my anger like lava, not caring who it destroyed. How dare he. "I didn't WANT the pleasures of love! I didn't WANT a child! I WANTED someone to treat me better! You are the WORST type of person."

I stormed out of the room, my eyes flooded with tears. I had nowhere to live. I had no sister, no parents, no friends. I wasn't certain of anything. I didn't remember when it began - all I knew was that I had no zest for life anymore. My children, everything was weighing me down. I had to be there for them, it was my duty, the only reason I had to... exist. Yet, all I desired to do at that moment was sleep, and let the dark thoughts disappear.

The children were upstairs, yet they heard everything. What could I tell them? Perhaps I could take them to Jack's house. I took my phone out. I had stopped crying, to make myself feel... better, but I only felt worse. I didn't know who I was anymore. If my relations, personality and looks reflected me, then... what did I have left? Tears fell onto my phone. I used my sleeve to clear the screen. I inhaled and closed my eyes, allowing myself to sink to the floor. Michael had given me an hour to sort myself out. Then... I truly would have nothing.

I clicked on my latest text conversations and cleared them all. I wanted to get rid of everything I had been. It was an utterly stupid move. I regretted it instantly. I had deleted some of my only remainders of my parents in that act. All my texts, gone from history. Texts from my friends, family, everything I loved. It had all changed, though I would never know when. When did I start hating my every move? I wanted to feel better. I wanted this suffering to disappear, but then I knew I would feel worse. Everyone around me would feel pain, and I would be emotionless. What could I say to them? Why did I not feel remorse for the bad things I knew I had done? What was I turning into?! Was I... turning into a psychopath?! I wasn't judging them, I wasn't hating on that part of society... yet I still was. I was saying I didn't want to be them. I wanted to feel, I needed to feel. Had I ever really loved anyone? Was I just little selfish Elsa Oldenburg? Elsa Goldenburg, as Miss Menece had called me that day I met Jack.

I hugged my knees as I tried to figure my thoughts out.

I didn't want to see my future. I knew it would only lead to more suffering. I didn't want anything to change! But... I realised that change is inevitable. However, that fact did not change my opinion on life and my thoughts.