~my heart~ (Jeonglix)

Part. 19

Jeongin POV:

"Yedam you know...." Yedam hummed in reply. His gaze are still fixed onto Felix hyung. I felt guilty to say it but I'll felt more guilty of I didn't tell him. Everything that I've been holding, that I've been keeping from everyone. Well... Of course hanyu know about it but I didn't tell him. He must know it by watching my attitude.

Maybe.... Jisung and hyunjin hyung know about it too but,,,, the possibility aren't much. Maybe 70-30. 70 percent they might know it and 30 percent they might not know about it. They are the closest to me. Only they will notice something changed about me that easily.

"Yedam..." I called his name again. He hummed again. Still looking at Felix hyung. I bit my bottom lip then lick it. "Yedam...look at me please" I tap his shoulder slowly, wanted him to look at me. He turn his head and raise it a bit since I'm taller than him. "Hmm??" He hummed in question.

"You know what? Let's go to the balcony. I feel better we talk there." I walk to the balcony first. Leave yedam behind, I took a deep breath and release it slowly. I do it a few times before yedam come. "Hey hyung what is it?" He take his place on the chair. Sitting behind me, I turn to him. I look at the leftovers that I and Felix left. I smile. "Look at your hyung, he didn't even finish eating but he already fall asleep." I said. Making my way to the table and tidy everything before it become colder than it was.

"Hyung?" I hum in respond. "Why yedam?" I ask even when I actually knew what he's talking about. I put the food inside the plastic bag and lean back the rail. "What do you wanna talk about".

I fiddle my fingers. Don't know how to say. I took another deep breath but release it loudly. "Is it something important?" Yedam ask again. I look at him in the eyes. I smile before I shook my head. "It is, one day but now it's not important." I said. He look confused. Well, who won't. I smile, put my hand on the rail. I begin to speak.

"Look yedam. All of this are my fault. I'm the one at blame. I make him suffered. I ignored his feelings. I rejected him. I don't want to open my heart for him. I feel weird. I don't want to love anyone. No one excluding my families. I promise myself that. I've been hurt before. And that make me scared. Make me traumatized. Make me timid. Make me a low self-esteem person. I love her with all my heart but, she tear it apart. She throw it away. She didn't appreciate it. Since then I tried to be more stronger on the outside so people won't look down to me but actually on the inside...I feel empty. I feel unloved. I'm weak. Easy to rip."

I stop in the middle of explaining. I chocked in tears. I can't help but cry. All of the memories come back. The memories that I've decided to forget come back.

Can't get my leg together, I end up sitting on the chair beside yedam. I hold my tears as hard as I can. I felt really guilty. I can't stop thinking about everything. All I've been through. Everything past so fast.

I close my eyes. Trying to forget about it again. I need to focus and tell yedam about everything I felt about Felix hyung. But I can't. In this situation, I can't get mouth to mutter any words. I can't even find any words to say. I felt empty. The same feelings I felt when my ex-girlfriend left me years ago. The scars are still etched in my hearts.

I felt my tears drop down to my cheeks. "H-hyung?" My eyes open. " Jeongin hyung,,, a-are you okay?" Yedam voice make me back. I wiped my tears off my cheeks. I try the best as I can to forget about it for a moment. But the harder I tried to forget about it, the clearer the memories become. I hold my tears again. I can't cry again. I'm eighteen now. I need to move on from that thing or I'll be suffering for the rest of my life.

I sniff and clear my throat. "Hyung are you okay? Do you need some water? I'll take it for you" yedam pat my shoulder slowly trying to calm me down. I shook my head and smile to him. "N-no yedam it's okay. I'm sorry if I made you worried. I lost control for a bit but I'm okay now" he remove his hand from my shoulder.

"Hyung,, you know maybe you should explain everything later. I don't think you can do your explanation when you're like this." I look at yedam. I shook my head fast. Denying and also disagreeing with his suggestion. Either I can or can't, I need to do this. I need to clear everything up before everyone started to blame themselves over something I did. "No yedam I'll-" I stop my words when I heard Felix talking. I thought he's up but apparently he was just talking I'm his sleep.

I can't take this crisis. I can't let Felix hear me. What if he actually didn't sleep yet or he already awake but pretend to be sleeping? I look at yedam. I sigh loudly. I shook my head to him. "Not today then...." I said. I stand up and head inside before yedam hug me from the back. I was flustered at first. He never hug me before. No. To be exact we've never hug before. Not with this kind of hug. "Y-yedam?" I stuttered. Trying to get his hand off my stomach, he tighten up his grip. I become more flustered.

"Yedam? Are you okay?" I call out his name again. He still didn't respond. I felt my back started to wet. Is he crying? I can't stop thinking about that for a while. He stayed like that for a long time. I assured him by caressing his hand. I can definitely say he's crying because at some time I can hear him sniffing. I wanted to move and face him but I don't feel like it. We stayed like that for about twenty minutes. That is when I didn't hear any sniffing or sobbing from my back.

I remove his hand off my stomach and turn to face him. I put my hands on both side of his shoulder. "Why yedam? What's wrong?" I ask softly. He shook his head. Saying he's alright which is I know he is lying. But I don't want to ask any more questions. I wanna let him rest first then tomorrow I'll ask and also explain everything I wanted to say tonight.

I pull him into a short hug and pat his back before I wish him good night and see him at the door. I sit beside Felix hyung on the mattress and look at him. I smile as I stroke his hair softly. I suddenly remembered everything that happened tonight. There's too much drama. I wonder if jisung hyung and hyunjin hyung already clear their problems with their boyfriends or not. I smile thinking back how childish my hyungs are. Aside than drama, tonight is an emotional night for me and yedam. We both end up crying but didn't tell each the reason. Well,,, I tell him mine but not too specific and he didn't tell me his. I become curious with that but decided to let it go.

I take my phone and look at the time. It's already 1.30 am and I'm still awake. I set an alarm on my phone and put it beside me so that I'll hear when it's rang. I slide down to lie and sleep beside Felix hyung. I fell asleep after I yawned for a couple of times.

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Oof here you go. The longest I think(?) I'm sorry for every delay but I'm trying to make it faster and longer. So..... agagagag enjoy.