~my heart~ (Jeonglix)

Part. 21

Jeongin POV:

I don't know why I'm crying right now. I felt so weak and wrong at this moment. I've never seen Felix hyung this annoyed. I wish I could run away right now but I know I can't. I know that even if I run away from this right now I'll end up telling him anyways.

Even with that mindset I'm still scared. Scared that he'll leave me if he hear me out. I love him and I know that. But I just don't think I deserve him....

"JEONGIN-AH" I snapped at the shout. I look up at Felix hyung and didn't mean to met his eyes. His eyes looks.... annoyed and worried at the same time. I messed up again. I know. But I also know if I just stop here and let everything hanging it'll just become worst.

"H-hyung...I-I-I'm so sorry.." I said in between my tears. "Ha??" Felix hyung whisper shouted. I can feel that he is confused. Well...just who wouldn't. I mean, I suddenly cried right after we woke up and didn't even give a reason why. I tried to calm down. Trying not to cry more. But the harder I tried to stop, my sobbing getting louder.

"NONONONONO,,,, jeongin please stop crying" Felix hyung said in the most soft voice I've ever heard from him. He cupped my face with both of his hands and use his thumbs to wipe my tears away. "Inhale, exhale. Calm down okay?" I nodded my head up and down while following his instruction. "You need to stop crying and calm yourself first before you say anything." Felix hyung said. The angry and annoyed Felix hyung just now has change to worried and annoyed Felix hyung because he still sounded irritate.I know he is annoyed since he shouted to me just now.

After a few minutes trying to calm myself down, I've stopped sobbing but my eyes are still full with tears. I took a long and deep breath before I start talking. Felix hyung kept comforting me by rubbing my back. "I'm-" " if you wanna say sorry again, please keep it to yourself. I wanted to hear a reason or explanation not a apologise" Felix hyung cut me before I could repeat the same sentence I've been repeatedly said before.

"I-I-I... I don't know how to start this..." Felix hyung remain silent so I take it as a sign for me to continue.

"I felt horrible. I felt like the worst person in the world. I heard it... I heard it from Chan hyung that before you came here, before you came to Korea, you are a wallflower person but you decided to change. You decided to take this opportunity and change but yet...here I am... Being the worst person ever... m-making... I-I mean makes your new self, the bright and friendly Felix hyung turned back, returning being the old Felix hyung. The hyung that I've never knew I would met him. I felt dumb and stupid and-" "NO jeongin what are you trying to say??? Nothing is your fault okay?"

Felix hyung cut me and pat my head softly.

"N-NO hyung" I snapped, make Felix hyung flinched a bit. "I-it is my fault. I-if I didn't let my ego win over myself, if I didn't let my emotions make the decision instead of my mind, I bet, no, I know you won't be like that. You won't change like that. Not drastically like that. If I just believe in what you're said that day... If I just trust you... Your changes... It won't happen... It is all my fault. If I just let everything go that day and move on like nothing happened, if I just stop being stubborn and drop my ego for a moment, i-if i-I just...."

I failed... I failed to hold my tears again. I bury my face in my hands, trying to control my sobs. 'I can't sob now, just not right now. I still have things to say' I thought myself. A second after I had that thought, I felt a hand pulling both of my hand away, slowly, from my face. Felix hyung cupped my cheek using his other hand.

" Shhh...stop crying little foxy. You're only having a misunderstanding. Don't blame it all to yourself. Like I said just now. Nothing that has happened to me while I'm here cause from you. It is all my decision. I decided to confessed to you, I decided to clinging towards you and I decided to change drastically. It is all my decision, it's me who wanted to do all that. Nothing is your fault. So please, please... Don't blame yourself, okay...?"

Felix hyung said that with the same exact soft voice earlier but the irritate voice has changed to comforting voice. I sniffed and wiped my tears away.

"NooOoo... Y-you don't understand." I shook my head head rapidly, stuttered because of crying. I'm trying to deny any positive thoughts in Felix's hyung mind about me... Because it's clearly wrong. I'm at fault.

"Jeongin-ah-" "N-nO h-hyung let me say this again." I cut him from talking.

"First you confessed to me but I-I left you hanging. I didn't reject you neither accepting you. I let you raise your hope high. I let you clinging with me, with a hope for me to accepting you. The suddenly this hyerin girl came out of nowhere, confessing to you, hugging you, being close to you and even cried in your embrace while she put her messy face on you shoulder just makes me mAd. I felt like crAzy and AngRy at that time. I felt overwhelmed with sadness. My brain can't give me any right decision on how I should do. All I did is avoiding you and make you felt intimate. All of your changes. The negative changes. It a happened because of me. My fault"

I clear my throat when I've done talking. I know that I'll cry again any time soon. I can feel it. So I keep head down. Not daring to look at Felix hyung. I'm afraid if I face him will cause me crying for the tens time this morning. Felix's hyung eight hand are still cupping my cheeks.

Slowly, he raise my face to look at him, to face him properly.

Slowly, his face getting closer to me.

Slowly, I can feel the heat of his breath.

Until our breath has become one.

My eyes shake due to the closeness and it's still watering.

I could feel my face heating up.

Felix hyung kept coming closer until there is almost no gap between our face.

Slowly he....

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HAHA you're back with your old writer muah<3 if you followed me on Instagram then you'll understand the situation,,, I'm tired to explain it here but please wish my friend a gws wish because she really wanted to be healthy again,,,