Not Fine at All (Luke Hemmings a.u.)

Chapter 9

LUCEY'S POV

It had been exactly 28 hours since Luke and I had fallen asleep on the couch together, and I hadn't slept since. We had sort of been unconsciously avoiding each other and everything just felt really awkward. No surprise there. But what I didn't understand was what the big deal was in the first place. So Luke had accidentally got a peek at some of my not-so-fond mementos of Matt, got angry, then cuddled me while I slept. Totally normal, right? But it didn't make sense that he would just stop talking to me altogether. I mean, it's not like I wanted to discuss it in all of its glorious details or anything, but I also didn't think it was right for him to just ignore me like I didn't matter. I don't know. Maybe I deserved it, but one thing I knew for sure was that we needed to get our shit sorted out.

So here I was, lying in bed just before dawn, having been awake for hours, desperately trying to figure out what to do. If things were going to work out and I was going to stay there, I knew I needed to explain things to Luke sooner rather than later. It was just so hard to bring up such painful memories and then try to actually provide an explanation as to why they happened when I was still trying to figure out the reason too.

The golden light of morning was just beginning to trickle in between the curtains and pour onto the floor, much like it had the day that I had first left. I remembered that morning with vivid regret; the hours I had spent just lying in bed and contemplating my decision. It hadn't been easy, but I had thought it was something I needed to do, and now I was wishing I had never even considered it.

The two of us, when we were together, had never fought much throughout the course of our relationship. Sure, we had petty arguments just like every other couple, but nothing that one would really view as something breakup-worthy. We bickered over where to eat or whose turn it was to do the dishes, but nothing monumental. Maybe that had been the problem.

I had started to feel the strain on Luke and I's relationship when I had the epiphany one day that there wasn't much fire between the two of us at all. We never fought with each other, and I began to wonder if Luke would even fight for me if given the chance. Our love, if you could have called it that, lacked the passion and excitement that I had always read and dreamed about. I knew that we cared for each other deeply, but as we became more and more isolated from the outside world in Luke's desperate efforts to "keep me all to himself," I couldn't help but feel that I was missing out.

I began to second guess myself and wonder if my parents had been right after all. Perhaps if I had gone to school like I had planned, I would've had a shot at living life like the movies, going to parties and being sought after by men destined to be doctors or billionaires. It was certainly a vain longing, but part of me resented Luke for preventing me frome experiencing all of that. 

Leading up to my departure, there was no definitive moment that caused me to leave. I simply felt myself losing interest and becoming overwhelmed by the possibilities of the world I felt I had lost touch with. It was only afterwards that I realized how cruel the universe could be and how wrong I was to think that I was meant to be anywhere but in the arms of the boy who had only ever wanted to protect me. 

Luke didn't deserve what I had done. He had always been good to me and put me above everything and everyone else. No, he did not deserve a bit of what I had done, and he certainly did not deserve what I was doing to him right now. He deserved the truth, and that was just what he was going to get, no matter how painful it was for me.

Having made up my mind, I climbed out of bed and set to getting dressed, selecting a pair of jean shorts and a flowy green sleeveless shirt. I figured that since Luke had already seen the scars, there was no sense in covering them up anymore, and I was surprised at how liberating it was. Despite an overbearing sense of self-consciousness, it actually felt pretty good to finally be free. It might have been in my head, but ever since I had managed to escape Matt's torment, I felt as if the scars were beginning to fade, both from my body and my mind.