Killer Queen|✔️ (Book 1)

32. Kamikaze

I went to Kiwi's house the next night, partly because I was happy that I hadn't lost him forever and partly because I wanted to see if he would still act normal and be sure I had nothing to worry about. He was waiting for me on the porch, in the dark. He looked up at me from under the hood of his sweat jacket, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I'd never seen him smoke before. I never saw cigarettes lying around, and he never smelled like smoke. I wondered if I'd stressed him out so much that he'd just started. He stomped it out and took my hand to lead me inside, without saying anything. It scared me when he was so calm, instead of his usual hyper self.                                                    

The house was pitch black, except for the light emanating from the TV room where his mom stared intently at the television. As we reached the top of the steps, I noticed that his room was dark as well. He closed the door behind us without turning the lights on. My heart started racing, as I felt nervous heat rising in my rib cage. I was trapped in a dark bedroom with a guy who just professed his love to me. The virgin in me wanted to get the hell out of there. Even kissing him gave me hot, frantic anxiety. I'd only ever kissed Corey three years prior, it was nothing I was used to or knew how to do very well. When you're seventeen, that shit's a big freakin' deal. The first kiss with someone new is like standing in the streets of Hiroshima, watching the bomb drop and waiting for it to hit the ground; sheer, naked terror...at least for me. I've gotten better as I've gotten older. I wouldn't say it ain't a thang but a chicken wang, it's still a little nerve racking, but it's not pure unadulterated fear and certain death anymore, but that day it was. So, there I was in the dark room blah blah blah.

    I was afraid he'd hear my heart beating or I'd just have a full out heart attack and die. I would've loved that. What a legit excuse to get out of a bad situation. I couldn't see anything, as I backed into the dresser. Well, anything except Kiwi's white jacket fall to the floor as he unzipped it. He had on a black t-shirt and now blended with the rest of the darkness. I felt his hands in my hair, as he got closer. He smelled like vanilla cupcake frosting and fruity laundry detergent. I felt myself shaking, so I grabbed onto the dresser to try to tense up my muscles. I could see his teeth as he smiled. I had no idea how he got them so straight and white. I made a mental note to ask if I survived the ordeal.
K: "I love you so much, Princess. You have no idea how much better I feel that I don't have to hide it anymore."
T: "But...wouldn't this have been easier if you told me from the beginning? You could've told me two years ago or at least the start of this year. Why would you act like you just wanted to be friends and now this is so complicated."
K: "You really would've gone for that? We haven't spoken in how long and I should just randomly tell you I'm in love with you, and you would've wanted to be with me?"
T: "...Probably not. I would think that's pretty pr-"
K: "-Presumptuous of me and I'd look like a dick for assuming you'd want to be with me and you'd never speak to me again and we wouldn't have rebuilt our friendship at all. That about what you were gonna say?"
T: "...Exactly what I was gonna say...How d-"
K: "- did I know that? I usually know what you're gonna say, I just don't say it out loud so I don't scare you."
T: "Kiwi, w-"
K: "-What the fuck? I don't know how I know, so don't ask."
T: "That one wasn't fair; usually the next thing I say is always fuck. You had a lucky guess."
K: "I bet you can do it. Quick, wha-"
T: "-What are you thinking about right now? Probably seahorses, as usual."
K: "Yes!"
T: "I got it!? I don't even know how I did that! Do we have magic powers?"
He smiled for a second but it faded as quickly as it came.
K: "Maybe we're soulmates. I wanted to tell you sooner but...I don't know. I've never been scared or nervous about anything in my life."

He removed his hands from me and shoved them in his pockets, leaning up against the wall. My eyes were more adjusted to the dark and I could see the dismal face he was making, like it was paining him to look me in the eyes.
K: "I had the biggest crush on you freshman year but I really didn't know who you were. Then, when we finally had a class together and you were right there in front of me, I completely freaked out. You weren't a fucking idiot like everyone else, so I never thought you'd be into me."
T: "What made you try?"
K: "...My dad. He told me to act like myself and not a jackass like I do with everyone else; I'd regret it if I didn't try. So, I did and you were just as amazing as I thought you'd be...I honestly think I fell in love with you the first time we spoke. It took that much out of me to have a friendship with you; I was terrified to ever tell you how I really felt. I started dating Alexis to make myself feel better and I fucking let her push me around and ruin the little I did have with you. I'll never forgive myself for that."
T: "It's fine."
K: "It's not fine. I used to scream at her for the way she treated you, then she started threatening to leave and I didn't wanna be alone, so I just took it. Then this year started and I couldn't take it anymore. I loved you more than I was afraid of her, and having you as a friend was better than not having you at all; but I still couldn't bring myself to tell you the truth and have you freak out and not wanna be around me. I didn't think things would escalate like they did...I didn't notice it happening. We're not capable of just being friends, even from the start. We're supposed to be together and we can't fight it. I know we tried."