Killer Queen|✔️ (Book 1)

36. Junkie Status

The next thing I remember is waking up in my dark bedroom. I must've passed out from exhaustion in the bathtub earlier. I noticed a soft light emanating from behind me, reflecting off my wall. I was afraid it was Jesus coming to get me and he was trying to sneak up on me. I thought my body had finished absorbing all the pills and I'd died in my sleep. I hesitantly turned over to ask him what the hell took so long but quickly realized it wasn't him.

     Kiwi was lying next to me, reading one of my many conspiracy theory books with a small book light clipped to the top. I gasped and shot up, shocked to see him.
T: "What are you doing here!? Did you sneak in?"
He squinted at me through his glasses, giving me that smug pompous asshole look.
K: "No, I didn't sneak in. I never left from before. I told your mom you had a horrible "fever" at school, and I'd read in some prestigious bullshit science magazine about people with fevers waking up paralyzed, toothless, and in some severe cases, with tentacles; from a rare strain of the virus. I said I'd watch you and make sure you didn't turn into a mutant sub-human or a ninja turtle. All I had to do was fuck with her anxiety and she practically begged me stay."
T: "She'd never let you sleep in my room."
K: "I told her I'd sleep on the floor and swore not to impregnate you, unless you asked nicely."
I sat up and noticed the unused sleeping bag and pillow on the floor. I couldn't believe the privileges my mom was giving him lately.
T: "You can't babysit me forever."
K: "Sure I can. I'm free for at least the next thirty years. I planned on spending them with you anyway." 
He seemed completely different from a few hours ago; not bothering to look up from the book and responding in a monotone, matter-of-fact voice. Last I saw him, he was a crying pile of suicidal mess.

     
     We sat in silence for a few minutes, before he sighed and set the book down. He didn't look up at me but I could tell he was upset.
K: "I should've called 911. I freaked out and got paranoid they would commit you and you'd never be able to get a job. I had a friend OD while I was at his house, twice, and I revived him both times so I thought I could handle it. I'm so stupid, I never fucking think."
T: "You did CPR and remembered the ipecac; it's not like you didn't do some quick thinking. I'm alive, aren't I?"
K: "Yeah, by sheer dumb luck or a miracle. I googled it and apparently giving someone ipecac after an overdose is a horrible idea. You could've choked on it."
T: "But you made sure I didn't. I don't know, it's not like we had a routine practiced to deal with this..."
I didn't know what to say. Yes, he could've handled it better, but he could've handled it worse. He could've not even shown up, so I didn't know if I should be thankful for what he did or angry at what he didn't do. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. He sniffled like he was trying to compose himself and hold back more tears.
K: "I've never prayed that hard in my life. You're gonna go through withdrawal and it's not gonna be pretty, so you can deal with me or I can tell Patti the truth and let her take you to the hospital, if you don't wanna be babysat. Take your pick."

     I didn't have the strength to argue with him as nausea set in. I'd feel a euphoric high for maybe twenty minutes, then I'd feel like someone was putting pressure on my head and trying to force my eyeballs out along with the nausea. My skin felt like one of those squiggle vision cartoons, like it was constantly vibrating, then it would stop for a split second and then resume vibrating. My body was exhausted but my mind was fully awake. I'd never felt so many things at once. I got out of bed and started pacing around, feeling like I was going insane and trying to take deep breaths to calm myself. He got up, and followed me around my room until I threw open the doors to my balcony and ran outside. I ran into the railing, cracking myself in the hip bone. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back some, like he thought I'd throw myself over it.
K: "Baby, you gotta calm down. The more you work yourself up, the worse you'll make yourself feel."
T: "I'm afraid to stay still. I feel a million things at once and have all this nervous energy, then I feel drained again."
K: "I know but don't fight it. Why don't you try to rest."
T: "I can't fall asleep right now. I'll try to calm myself but I need to keep busy so I'm not focusing on how I feel and scaring myself."
He kissed my head and pulled me closer to him. His warm breath felt so nice against my skin, as he sighed like he was deep in thought. I suddenly realized I was freezing and starting to shiver from the cold night air.
K: "Lets get you back in bed. You don't have to go to sleep but we at least have to keep you warm."
His expression completely changed, as he suddenly got a smile on his face.
K: "I know what'll make you feel better. Go get under the covers and I'll be back."

     I collapsed in bed and curled up into a ball, trying to tense up my muscles to stop the shivering. I heard Kiwi roaming around the upstairs going back and forth between my room and the other rooms on the floor. I felt like I was in a state between conscience and unconscious, when I noticed Kiwi unwrapping the firefly lights from around my headboard. I mustered up any little strength I had and sat up to see what he was doing. He'd collected chairs, sheets, pillows and blankets from the other rooms and built a huge fort in the middle of my room. I could see him through one of the sheets, wrapping the lights around the backs of the chairs inside. After awhile, he poked his head out through a small opening in the blankets.
K: "Get in here."            

      
     I crawled inside, surprised at how spacious it was. I collapsed on one of the many pillows and noticed one of my mom's crystal ice buckets filled with ice and bottles of Evian.
K: "Welcome to the world's first pillow fort detox center. You need to stay hydrated, so start drinking." T: "You're ridiculous. I hope you don't think I'm helping you put all this back." 
I smiled to show him I was joking but watched as his smile fell and he looked down at the floor, pulling the hood of his black sweatshirt over his head.
T: "What's wrong?"
K: "...How do I know you won't do this again?"
T: "What? Try to kill myself?"
K: "Yeah. You didn't go to the hospital and get a proper psych evaluation or anything. How do I know you won't get upset about something else and try this again? I'm afraid to ever go to sleep or take my eyes off you."
T: "I don't know. I don't know what I can say to make you trust me except that it's a huge wake up call to almost die; it kinda forces you to see the flaws in your life that made you do it. I can't deny I need help anymore and keep blaming other people. You have every right to be worried or think I'm just lying to get you off my back but I hope eventually you'll believe me."
He smirked at the floor and looked up at me.
K: "Admitting you need help and seeing what you did wrong is a good start. That makes me feel a little better. But you have to actually do it."
T: "I know. My mom has anxiety and depression too, so she'll understand. Plus it's not like I did a good job hiding it from her, so she won't be surprised I'm asking to see someone."

     
    He grabbed one of the water bottles and opened it; handing it to me.
K: "Come on, you gotta flush that stuff out of your liver. Drink."
I took it and started chugging. I didn't get through even half the bottle before the cold water made me start shivering again. It was worse than before. My entire body ached and felt like my joints were locked up as I violently shivered, looking more like convulsions. Kiwi stayed calm but I could see in his face that he was worried. He got a sweatshirt out of my closet and helped me get into it. It felt like the cold was coming from inside me, so it didn't make a difference. He laid down on the pile of pillows next to me and grabbed one of the big quilts he'd brought into the fort and turned the firefly lights off.

      I felt myself start sweating even though I was freezing, like my body was going haywire and didn't know what it wanted to do. Kiwi wrapped me up in a smaller quilt, like a little burrito, then pulled the bigger one over us and wrapped his arms around me. I snuggled into him, desperate to to stop shivering; my body was starting to get sore and the nausea starting up again.
T: "You don't have to deal with this. You can go home, I won't be mad."
K: "I've seen you at your best, I'm not gonna leave you at your worst."
I felt hot tears starting in my eyes, hating how nice he was being and realizing he had never really seen me at my best.
T: "You didn't sign up for this. I'm a mess; this isn't fair to you."
K: "Stop it. I love you and I'm not going anywhere. Nothing you say is gonna change my mind. What would you do if I tried to kill myself?"
T: "...I guess this. After I went through your wallet, I'd stay with you as long as I had to, to make sure you wouldn't try to take yourself away from me again."
K: "I would hope so. I'll make sure I leave something fun in my wallet."

   
     My body felt exhausted once I stopped shivering, I guessed from exerting a ridiculous amount of energy. I felt another high set in, like when you lay down after a night of drinking and feel relaxed and pleasantly drunk. I tried to force myself to sleep before it turned into another headache with the pounding behind my eyes that drove me crackers.
I heard my phone vibrate behind me and turned my head slightly to see who it was. It was Lisa. We texted here and there but hadn't as much since I started hanging out with Kiwi 24/7. I decided to look at it tomorrow; deciding it couldn't be that important.

Oh, how wrong I was.


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I wish I took pictures of that pillow fort. That shit was an architectural marvel. 📺🔜♠️
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