I always come out as a strong person. A funny person. My attitude always shows as if I don't have a care in the world.
But I actually feel the world in my shoulders. I feel suffocated I feel like running away from my life. But I can't because I have two amazing kids and a crazy puppy to take care of. I often think that if I would have been selfish like others I wouldn't care at all about my responsibilities to take care of my two baby's and fur baby.
It turns out that I push my self to be nice to everyone just to be step on all the time.
Yeah I defend my self and kick some ass but sometimes I just want peace and quiet. So I could grieve the lost off my parents and my youth. At the age off 13 I already knew how to give my mom her insulin shots. At the age off 17-18 I was already taking on the responsibilities to take care off my sick mother. Now that I don't have her with me as my backbone I feel lost and unloved. I need my mom with me even if it's just to get in trouble with her. Even if it's juts to put my head on her lap so she could tell me stories of when I was a crazy baby getting in trouble. I see my friend with their mothers and I feel jealous that I don't have what they have. It has been 11 years that I lost my mom and it's still hard to move on. I miss our little getaways for coffee or shopping. When I use to spend almost my whole check spoiling my queen and my baby's. Life sure changes when we loose the person that we love the most.
I need to keep on moving and be stronger the same way that she was. She never stopped moving on after life kicked her down. What I'm feeling right now are just sadness and confusion. I can do these I have to live my happy life with my baby's.
