Voices // Namjoon x BTS

6

-not edited-

Namjoon wanted to strangle Jimin.

Since the younger concluded, much to Namjoon's denial, that the older had an eating disorder he took it upon himself to get the older to eat every chance he got. He seemed to always be successful in getting Namjoon stuck in situations to eat with the members every day for past weeks, no excuses seemed to get Namjoon out of those situations which annoyed him to no end.

Unfortunately, Jimin was too naive to notice that Namjoon had thrown up all the meals that he forced the older to eat. Namjoon felt guilty for flushing all the younger's efforts down the toilet, literally.

For now, Namjoon was extremely exhausted. They had been preparing for the next two albums, one in Japanese and one in their mother tongue. It was almost July and Namjoon hadn't still been able to complete even one song that he was expected to produce, which was stressing him a lot. No matter how many long hours he decided to stay at the studio, he still couldn't get one song finish.

The male could only imagine the stress his second oldest hyung was experiencing, the group's first-ever solo mixtape was going to be released by him in sometime in August. Even though, his hyung didn't show that he was stressed. Namjoon knew that the older felt the pressure of being extra careful, from wordings in verses to the order of tracklist, not wanting to let his band and army down. The older also didn't want to be the cause of starting a controversy directed to him or the group.

Sighing, Namjoon put down the book he was reading, taking off his glasses and putting them on the table.

For the past few weeks, Namjoon had been trying to stay clean from cutting. Only succeeded for one-two days, then came running back to the blade to forget mental pain and stress. He was happy knowing he was trying to stop from self-harming for Jimin's sake, even if he couldn't stop from puking the calories he ate. Today was one of those nights when Namjoon decided not to cut like he does every night hoping to stay clean and make it through the night without giving in to the urge to cut.

Namjoon stride to his small closet, grabbing his night suit. Changing it in his room only, knowing that the door was locked. Finished, he walked back to his bed, lying down.

Staring at the plain boring white ceiling.

Namjoon pondered, was it really worth it to live? Did he even mean anything to someone? Sure Jimin had reassured the older that he and the members along with army loved him, but what if it was all a big lie and that the younger was only pitying the older. Wanted to help him knowing that he tried to attempt suicide, not wanting to feel guilty when the older tried to commit suicide again.

Groaning, Namjoon ran his hand through his hair in frustration, wanting to stop thinking negatively, especially when it was his own thoughts and not the voice telling him this. It was saddening that now even without the voice troubling him, his own thoughts were degrading him.

You know that you deserve to be humiliated and reminded of your worthless, talentless self.

Namjoon wanted to bang his head against the wall. Hearing the voice that moment was just a cherry on top, his own thoughts and now hearing the voices. He wanted to desperately cut, breaking his promise of staying clean that night in barely two hours after making it to himself.

You really are pathetic, aren't you, the voice chuckled. You can't even keep promises to yourself for even a whole day, as I said before, worthless.

Namjoon tried to fight back the urge to cut but the voices made it impossible. He harshly pulled his hair by one hand, while his free hand clenched into a fist, hitting the side of his head harshly. Tears appeared in his eyes, getting weak emotionally.