Voices // Namjoon x BTS

18

-not edited-

Tomorrow was the third day.

Namjoon had no idea how he was going to tell the members. He was terrified to say the least.

Tomorrow was a rest day from the busy schedules and all Namjoon wanted was to drown himself in alcohol. That explained why he was sitting on his bed with a bottle of vodka and two bottles of soju.

He could not understand why the hate directed to him become so... extreme. He could not even go out to walk without someone guarding him or else he would be mobbed by people shouting hate words at him.

Did he do something? He opened the bottle of vodka and gulp down the alcohol.

He remembered how the other day he had gone to ttuksoem in hopes to clear his thoughts, instead when he was recognised by group of teenager. They shouted insults at him,

Pathetic

Worthless

Talentless

Fucking fatass

The list of words could just go on and on. He remembered how his eyes had widened when they had proceeded to try to physically hurt him too. If it had not be for the kind old man who helped him by shouting at the adolescents for harassing him making them shut up.

The old man had also walked with him to big hit building to make sure that Namjoon was fine and not harassed again by group of 'crazy teenagers' like the elder had liked to call them as. He really was really grateful to him for helping him, if it had not been helped he did not know what could have happened to him.

He really tried to avoid Twitter but somehow he always found himself scrolling down the hateful tweets.

The words he had read were playing in his head like a broken recorder.

His eyes brimmed with tears. He once again brought the bottle to his lips and gulp down the drink, the burning sensation in his throat made him cough.

He did not feel good. Everything was stressing him out and the deadline that Jimin had given him did not help him at all.

Every morning after breakfast Jimin made sure that he did not puke when the unusual feeling of being full had made him nauseous.

He did not like how his life was going the past days. It only consisted hate, forcing to keep the food down, cutting, work and then being the victim of the hateful remarks of the voice.

Is this what his life had become? He hated it. He hated living. This is not how he had thought his life would turn out when he chose music as his career, passion. Would he have been happier if chose something else as career?

He drank until he had finished the bottle of vodka, proceeding to open the soju.

Tears, finally, broke through the dam as the hate comments flew through his head. No matter how much he drank, the alcohol could not drown the words.

He fisted his hair in pain from the words swimming in his head. He hated everything. He hated being in pain, not being enough no matter how much he tried he just was not enough. He hated the voices that had been following him for over two years, he hated the fact that hurting himself was the only way he could quiet the voices down. He hated how he could not eat without feeling the need to throw up, hated how fat his body looked when he would look at the mirror. He hated his very existence.

Is this why he was born in the first place, to hate himself? To want to kill himself? To scar his body? To be a nuisance in everybody's life?

He opened another bottle of soju when the first one was finished.

His vision was now blurry from alcohol and the tears were streaming down his flushed cheeks.

Fucking useless, that is all he was. Nuisance who only made others life difficult.

Glad you know how useless you are, the voice laughed.

Oh he did knew, Namjoon laughed as he wiped his tears that continued to fall from his eyes.

The alcohol in his system weakened his judgement, he could no longer think what was right or wrong.

The only thing that was in his head was that no he longer wanted to live.

He no longer wanted to suffer, he wanted to be free, at peace. Nobody would miss him, they all hated him just like he hated himself. What was the point to live anymore when nobody including yourself wanted you to not live, he was just doing a favour to himself and others by killing himself.

With these thoughts, Namjoon's trembling hands opened his side draw and reached out to the sleeping pills which was unopened and the box which consisted of blades.

He opened sleeping pills container and took out pills in his hand.

He gulped down pills with the help of alcohol until none were left.

He took a blade from the box and looked at his untouched wrist, smooth with no scars, the part of skin he dared not touch because of his life as idol which required him at times to show wrists. It would have been suspicious if he always worn long sleeves.

But after he is dead, he would not live a idol life anymore.

With teary eyes gazing over the sharp knife, slowly bringing it close to his tan wrist. He hissed in pain as he dug the blade in his wrist, dragging it vertically. Blood flowed profusely where the blade had kissed his skin. He lets out a shaky breath when he took the blade out of his skin.

He turned towards his other hand, dragging the blade vertically causing the blood to flow out.

He exhales deep breaths in pain, letting go of the blood stained blade. He leaned against the bed headboard, tears cascading down his cheeks in pain. His once pure bedsheets were tainted with crimson red blood which flowed out of his wrists.

It will all soon be over.

You will be happy.

He heard knock on the door, he smiled. They do not need to pretend to care anymore, this is for them and me.

This was his last thought his eyes closed shut, darkness consuming him fully.

He finally felt free.

-A/N-

:)

Hello! What do you think of the chap? I was trying to hint that this would happen in the past chapters with the extreme hate n all, trying to build it up to this point. I think when I first thought out the book this was suppose to happen a long time ago but I think this is better. Idk what I'm saying lol

Idk how much a person should drink to get drunk, I have no knowledge of alcohol so if the amount I mentioned is not enough or too much ignore 😅 n go with it I guess?

Listening to forever rain rn n now I'm getting sad, I think spring day and mono is the only thing that can easily get me sad. Fun fact?

Anyways how old r you all?

I'm 16.

Also, I'll see yall next week. Wait, if I make mistakes in the chap can u plz let me know in private msg so I can change it? Thanx :) also, thank you so much for 1k votes never thought I would see this day I really thought nobody would read this 🙈

Now bye  👋🏼 Good day/night.