Love Can Save {An Aphmau Fanfiction}

Laurance

Breathe.

Focus on the sound of each breath, the feel as it runs through every limb and vein.

Don't give into the accursed thing known as anger.

Far ahead, Garroth, Dante, and Lucinda kept up the forced march we had continued since we had been forced to retreat a week ago. They sent glances back my way every few minutes, but I ignored them, preferring to focus on the dirt underneath my feet.

The past week had been the second-most stressful time of my life; the first had been when I had been struggling with the Calling so many months ago. And now, every emotion was on high alert. Even the littlest bit of emotion made the Shadow Knight inside start to writhe and fight for control. So my days were spent focusing most of my energy inward, struggling against the constant stream of anger and guilt resulting from my part in our retreat.

Even though I was suppressing every emotion, I couldn't escape the fear of giving into that other side of me. Last time I had lost control during a battle, I had killed every werewolf in sight before Aphmau had been able to calm me down, and she was only able to do that by kissing me (I doubted that strategy would work in the present company, although Lucinda is very beautiful). After that, I had almost killed her when I thought she was Zane Ro'Meave, unable to see the completely obvious signs that it was definitely not Zane. I had no control once I switched, and was just as likely to turn on friends if I had any negative thoughts about them in my mind. And, after so many weeks with this group, I loved them to death, but there were some things that I couldn't help but feel annoyed by.

Why can't I keep this under control?! We would've won that fight if Dante wasn't worried about me transforming! But he had every right to get me out of there... The inner turmoil of my stupid emotions distracted me from what I was meant to be doing, and it wasn't until Lucinda placed an arm on my forearm that I realized I had been shaking.

"Do you need to take a break, Laurance?" The witch kept her voice low, trying to sound as comforting as possible. I took a shuddering breath, shaking my head. I offered her a wan smile, but she didn't look convinced. So instead of returning to Garroth and Dante, who had paused a few feet ahead, she motioned to them to keep moving and started walking right beside me.

"You know, I never thought I would get the chance to repay you and Aphmau for saving my life all those years ago," she began. I knew at once what she was doing, and focused wholeheartedly on what she was saying. "I thought I was going to die in the Southern Wolf Tribe's prison. And then you and Aphmau and Garroth and Dante appeared. I really couldn't believe it, you know, that the Lord of some little village would risk her life so willingly for a werewolf that couldn't have cared less about her. But there she was, and the three of you were so obviously loyal to her, that I remembered that that was how Lords and their guards should be. No more of those fat men who didn't care what happened to their people, as long as they themselves were well-fed." I nodded, knowing exactly the type she described. I had been lucky enough to never serve a Lord like that, but I had heard of them often.

Lucinda continued on, and I was so intent on what she was telling me, that I forgot to be worried about the turmoil in my heart. Which had been the witch's plan all along. "And then Aphmau rescued me along with Logan, saving me from a certain death. I was so relieved, and then I was suddenly surrounded by new friends I never expected to make, and you had saved my familiar just because Aphmau was that kind. And inadvertently, you reunited me with my father. I understood why he had done everything all those years ago, even if I didn't like it."

"I finally found a home at Phoenix Drop. I found people who cared for me, and people I cared for in turn. It was a place where I could thrive, where I could be the best person I could be." Lucinda sighed, glancing at me briefly before staring upwards through the leaves.

"And then you all disappeared through the portal," she continued in a flat voice. "And while my house was fine, the actual village of Phoenix Drop was whole, my home had vanished in a heartbeat. With so many influential people gone from our little village, everyone drifted away. And so did I." Lucinda's words stirred a memory from deep within me, and I knew that she was describing how Emma must have felt when I had left Meteli all those years ago.

Sensing that my thoughts were trailing towards an unwelcome direction, Lucinda hurriedly continued on. "Seeing Aphmau once more in those snowy mountains was one of the happiest moments of my life. Seeing all of you, truly. It did break my heart to learn about Garroth, though. You know, sometimes I think about our days in Phoenix Drop those twenty years ago, the close-knit family that we'll always share. And it continues to break my heart to know that Aphmau is still fighting to bring that family back together."

"I know that it hurt you to learn about Aphmau and Aaron. I know that you were still holding onto the hope that she returned your feelings, your love." I glanced away quickly, heart hammering. Why was she talking about this? This is the opposite of trying to distract me!

"But Laurance?" Lucinda grabbed my elbow, forcing me to look into her brilliant eyes. "Just because she's in love with Aaron doesn't mean she doesn't love you. You've always been there when she needed you, and while I know last year was awful for you, you're still one of her most loyal guards. Aphmau still cares for you, as does everyone in Phoenix Drop and on the Capital Island. And I believe there's someone in the village who cares a lot more than you dare to believe." Her red eyes captivated mine, making sure that I took in every word she spoke.

She was right. Every single word was right. That had been in the heart of my emotional hurricane that had been raging on for the past week; the one that was beginning to abate within. Even these three or so years later, I had still been holding on to old love and dreams. I didn't really still love Aphmau, no more than one of my closest friends. She remained in that special part within, along with everyone else from Phoenix Drop. And... maybe Lucinda was right. Maybe there was someone back home who felt the same way about me as I felt about her.

I gave Lucinda a grateful smile, too mentally spent to put my gratitude into words. She patted my arm, leaving me once more with my thoughts. She had helped me regain my composure, and hopefully I would be able to hold it together until we made it back home. But she had also helped me find more peace than I had known in a while, even while my inner Shadow Knight still struggled against the cage I desperately tried to keep it in.