One Moment

Twenty-Four

Kinsley

"Honey, I don't think staying with Noel is smart," Grandma says over the phone. "You're putting pressure on yourself."

After speaking with Noel, I need time to calm down. By calm down, I mean wait until I can scrub the image of him shirtless with low-waisted jeans out of my mind. Something tells me hauling bales of hay toned his biceps.

But I'm wondering about more, too.

What is the meaning of his tattoo?

How did he get those scars?

I sigh and fall back onto my bed. "I know, Grandma," I reply. "I don't like it. I've run out of options, though. My thesis has to be based out of Calgary on an approved location. You and I both know I can't fail. I want to finish this program for them."

The last sentence is a whisper. Mentioning my loved ones tugs at my heartstrings. It's painful to know I'll never see them again.

In the background, Grandpa says, "Maybe it's not such a bad idea."

My ears perk up. Ever since the accident, Grandpa has been overly caring and protective. It would annoy most twenty-two-year-old women, but I don't mind. Grandpa and Grandma carried me when I couldn't carry myself.

I'm surprised he's considering this.

"Really?" I'm unable to hide my surprise.

"Sure," Grandpa replies. His voice is scratchy through the phone. "We miss you, Kins. However, I think a change of scenery would be good for you. You said this Noel fellow offered you a basement suite, is that correct?"

"Yes," I reply. Imagining what this basement suite could be like makes anticipation burn in my blood. I wonder what their house is like. Maybe it's full-on country style, complete with that musky hay smell. Or maybe it's modern and sleek. Beach-themed? You can never guess. "He said that."

"Well," Grandpa says, "I think you should go. Life for you has been harder than anyone could imagine. Too much was taken from you. You deserve another adventure. One that will make you happy. This experience could act as a learning curve."

I snort. "What for? Improving my social skills?"

"Being social is good," Grandma inputs.

I sigh and close my eyes. Before Kinsley was a social butterfly, always talking to people and making friends. She loved throwing parties and having a good time with her friends. She was fun.

I know my grandparents miss her. Her bright smile. I know they miss her laughter. All After Kinsley does is cause them to worry. I shut myself away from the world around me, keeping my circle limited and exclusive.

After everything my grandparents have faced dealing with the aftermath of the accident, I decide I'm doing this for them. They've worried about me for too long. This could act as an improvement. They could see their granddaughter taking steps. Perhaps they wouldn't worry as much.

"So," I intone. "You guys are okay with this?"

"Kins," Grandpa continues, "you're twenty-two. This is your life. A summer at the farm sounds fun. You love animals."

"Of course we are, honey," Grandma adds. Her voice sounds unsure, but it makes me smile. When Mom was alive, I noticed a prominent similarity between her and Grandma. They both have difficulties letting their children go. Mom was in tears when I moved in with Aaron before college. Grandma was the same way when Mom attended post-secondary. And I've become more than just a grandchild to my grandma now. So I can understand why she'd be uneasy about this. "But promise you will call us, okay? We still want to hear from you."

My smile broadens. "Of course I'll call you. I love you both so much."

"We love you, too, Kinsley," Grandma says.

After we've said our goodbyes, I hang up. My eyes inspect the small room I share with Tristan. Transferring to the farm won't be difficult. My belongings are minimal. A sliver of excitement awakens in my gut. Despite being terrified to step out of my comfortable boundaries, there's something exciting about going somewhere new. Noel lives just outside of Calgary. There must be a lot to see. Places to explore. My last adventure was...

A pang of sadness reverberates through my chest. My last adventure was with Aaron. Before we went to college. We'd travelled to Whistler, BC. The hiking there was incredible.

I glance down at my hands. They're settled in my lap. I pick at my cuticles.

Going on another adventure without him feels wrong. Yet I can't ignore the pull I'm feeling. Perhaps it's because this mundane life, where I avoid everything, is boring. Maybe it's because I need a breath of fresh air.

My boundaries are too strict. They don't allow room to grow. To change.

You need time and space to heal. To find yourself.

I know I've already begun my healing process. I... I think I need this. The realization shocks me.

If I'm being honest, I'm tired of always feeling like I'm laying on the kitchen floor, depressed and hopeless. Bawling. I will always miss the people I lost. Always despise the driver who ended their lives and injured me. But that's normal. Just like healing is a normal process.

I close my eyes and exhale.

Universe help me. Agreeing is crazy. At least I have options. If all goes terrible, I can opt out. Fly back to Winnipeg. Do my thesis for this class next semester.

I inhale, counting the beats of my heart.

I can do this.