One Moment

Forty-Six

Kinsley

Cole and I arrive in Winnipeg at three-in-the-morning. For most of the flight, we're silent. Both of us are exhausted from today's events, and there are still too many tears being shed.

I'm a wreck.

Cole's a wreck.

But, despite this disaster, I'm thankful for Cole. He's become my best friend, and I can't imagine a life without him.

Grandma and Grandpa meet us at the airport. When we exit the plane, walk down the stuffy hallways, and enter the airport building, they're standing next to the luggage carousel.

Cole exchanges a hug with each of my grandparents, but Grandma is the one who expresses her gratitude. She offers Cole a place to stay, which he takes. His return flight isn't scheduled until late tomorrow afternoon. He wants to make sure I'm settled before he returns to Calgary.

Offering him a place to stay is the least we can do to repay him.

Although words exchanged are real, everything feels fake. The air is combustible. I'm on the verge of cracking again. Cole, despite Noel being safe in the hospital, is kilometres away from his best friend. He's stressed.

Grandma and Grandpa are aware of the situation. Cole called them while I was packing. He introduced himself and explained everything.

Again, thank the universe for Cole. He's making everything easier to deal with.

Yet nobody is reacting. We're all tiptoeing around the truth, scared of the inevitable combustion.

While Cole and Grandpa are waiting for the luggage, Grandma leads me over to the seating area. I'm so exhausted that sitting down feels like an extensive amount of work.

Grandma's floral perfume fills my nose as she pulls me in for a hug. Her brittle hand rests on the small of my back.

While her hug makes me feel at home, something's missing. Returning home usually remedies my everlasting homesickness. This time is different. No matter how hard I try to embrace the welcoming vibes, it still gnaws at my soul.

"Sweetie," Grandma says. She pulls back, inspecting my face. "Tell me what's bothering you."

A lie tempts my tongue. I could tell her the plane ride was beneficial or that Cole and I talked and I feel better. While part of that is true, the plane ride wasn't enough. Plus, all I did was think about Noel. Resentment is still potent in my mind. A poison seeping through the cracks in my heart.

He was weak. He started fate.

He was a victim. A scarred man who was trying to survive.

Sighing, I rub my temples. My exhausted mind is pulling me in both directions.

Lying to Grandma would mean solving this puzzle on my own. After the accident, I tried to do just that. It didn't go well. Facing these issues on my own led to shutting people out. I attempted suicide. Disassociating myself will allow these problems to fester and become worse. Without help, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Not perfect, but improving with every day that passes.

Shaking my head, I glance at Grandma. She looks worried, which is emphasized by the wrinkles on her face.

"I'm not okay," I say. "I'm confused, scared, hurt, and shaken. Also..." I trail off, biting my lip.

Grandma urges me with a small back rub.

I expel a deep breath. "Noel said he was falling in love with me. And... and I think I am, too. No. I am in love with him, Grandma. Noel made me happy. Despite everything that's happened, I miss him. It's contradictory. Loving him feels right, but also wrong. His actions let to Josiah McLean crashing into us. But... but Noel was abused by him. I understand the fear."

Glancing at the scuffed floor, I choke on a sob. Falling in love with Noel was never my intention. Love is beautiful and soul-saving, but it's also tricky. You're never able to predict how fast or slow you'll fall. You can't decide who you'll fall in love with.

Love is scary. Wild and spontaneous. Alluring. Love is bold and beautiful; a splash of bright yellow against a black backdrop. A star shining in the dead of night.

Love is as complicated as a rose. You see beauty within the colour and petals. The deeper meaning behind when a rose is given to you. But sometimes a rose can inflict pain. The thorns will pierce your skin, scratching or embedding. Maybe drawing blood. The petals will wither and the stem will rot, reeking of decay.

Love, like a rose, is a devastatingly beautiful contradiction.

I squeeze my eyes shut, hugging myself. "I miss them. But I also miss Noel, and I feel like I shouldn't."

She pulls me in for another hug. "Cole told us everything, Kinsley. It's okay to feel lost. This is a lot to process."

I bury my face in her shoulder, letting the tears flow. "I feel s-so guilty. Part of me f-feels like I'm b-betraying Aaron and the rest of them. My heart belongs to a man who played a part in causing the accident. Yet... yet I feel sympathy for Noel. He didn't deserve to be raised under such abusive methods. He was a victim, too."

Grandma hugs me tighter, and it makes things worse. While she's trying to help piece me back together, I feel like the world is bursting at its seams. Everything is out of my control. My heart is broken again—or maybe it never healed. Maybe I fooled myself into thinking I was healing.

No.

I shut down the self-doubt.

I'm here because of my progress. Making it through the accident and its aftermath was difficult. Yet here I am. That means I can live through this, too. Just like last time, it'll be difficult. I won't be able to make it alone.

But for now, I cry.

I cry about everything that's happened in the past twelve hours. Within the past two years of my life.

I cry for my family. For Aaron and Mads and their families. For Noel and the guilt he suffers from. For Cole, the man who's best friend almost died.

I cry because there are moments where strength cannot overpower sadness. Sometimes releasing pent-up emotions is all you can do to survive. To fight.

As I cry, I wonder how Noel is doing. If he's woken up yet. Whether or not I see him again, I hope he receives the help he needs.

I hope, one day, I can forgive him.