One Moment

Thirty-One

Noel

Buttercup gives birth to a healthy colt five days later. Two weeks post-birth, Kinsley spends all her time out in the pasture. She sits on the fence with her notebook and takes notes.

Today is no different.

"I think Kinsley's in love," Cole jokes.

We're on the barn's roof, repairing a leak. Tools and panels of wood are scattered around us.

I glance down at the pasture. Kinsley's head is tipped down, the messy bun on top slanted. She's hunched over her notebook. Whatever she's writing, I know she'll pass the class. She's brilliant.

"Leave her be, Robinson. Until now, I didn't think she could feel passion for anything."

Cole flinches, but he continues to hammer away at the nailhead. "After this, we should grab lunch. I'm getting hungry."

"You two ain't climbing down that ladder until you're done."

Gramps' tone is teasing. Similar to when Cole and I were kids, and he'd scold us for being stupid. He could never be serious. There was always a hint of amusement in his tone. Cole ignores Gramps and continues to work.

I grin down at Gramps. "Your logic is incorrect."

He cocks a bushy brow. "That so, son?"

"Yeah. Without energy, how are we supposed to fix this? I'll be too focused on my growling stomach to focus on fixing the leak."

"You sound like a bloody child," Cole murmurs.

I poke him with the hammer. "At least I have a point."

Cole rolls his eyes and continues working. I turn back to Gramps.

He's looking at Kinsley. The scowl on his face is prominent. "That girl is obsessed."

Gramps' tone irks me. "She's working. Plus, I've been doing the same with the cows. If Kinsley is obsessed, then so am I."

Gramps narrows his eyes at me. "Watch your tone."

"No," I reply.

"Noel," Cole murmurs. "Watch it. He drank a lot last night."

I bite my cheek. Clench my jaw. What Cole's implying isn't correct. So what if Gramps drinks when he's upset? We all have different ways of coping. 

Not that alcohol is a good way to cope. All I'm saying is at least Gramps knows when to stop. Unlike my father.

"Just leave her alone, Gramps," I sigh. "You could pretend to like her."

He crosses his arms, expelling a dramatic harrumph before leaving. His worn cowboy boots stir up the dust around his feet.

"God," I murmur, turning back to work. "He's fucking sensitive today."

Cole snorts. "I think you mean grumpy."

"Both. Standing up to him harms his ego. Harming his ego reveals his sensitivity. He's grumpy about Kinsley being here."

Cole tucks the hammer in his tool belt. "Speaking of Kinsley..." He climbs to his feet and stretches out his back. "I'm gonna go see if she wants lunch, too. Want to join me?"

Jealousy pinches me. How did Cole get on her good side so easily? He needs to give me some information. All I want is for Kinsley and me to be friends. That kiss meant nothing. She was vulnerable. I was vulnerable. We didn't act off of emotions.

I ignore the jealousy. Cole could become friends with anyone. He's a British social butterfly. The jerk fits into any crowd.

Shaking my head, I gesture to the roof. "I'll finish up. Go on without me." I pause, a crease forming between my brows. "Maybe make me a sandwich. Leave it in the fridge. Please?"

Cole glances at the tools and wooden boards. He rubs the back of his neck. "You should take a break, mate. Maybe you, me, and Kinsley can drive into town. Grab lunch at The Barn."

The Barn is a local nightclub/pub. When you're living in a small town, there aren't many options to choose from. Options aside, The Barn is a quaint place with delicious food and one helluva DJ on Saturday nights. It's a hidden gem. Only the locals know about it.

"Come on, Noel," he continues. "You're looking pretty knackered. You'll burn out if you keep going."

Cole has a point. But I won't admit that aloud. Ever since arriving home, I've been working. Keeping my mind busy.

I sigh, glancing down. We're up on the roof. The drop makes my stomach uneasy. I shove the feeling away.

Sadness overwhelms my heart. Sleep hasn't been my friend lately. Every time I close my eyes, flashbacks of the accident assault me. Last night the cold sweat was so bad I had to change the sheets.

"I can't relax," I murmur.

"Why do you think that is?"

I don't like the challenging note in Cole's voice. He's pushing for the discussion I refuse to have. Talking about the accident will do more harm than good.

"Why do you care?" I snap.

God, who's the fucking hypocrite now? I was criticizing Kinsley for being defensive. Now look at me.

Cole crosses his arms. "I care because you're my brother. Me being there for you after the accident wasn't a fluke. I intend to be your best mate until the end. Noel, burying your emotions isn't good. Trust me."

The ache in Cole's voice causes my nose to burn. Goddamn him.

"You need to deal with what happened," he whispers.

His words irk me.

I've dealt with all the accident shit once. I can deal with it again. The nightmares will fade eventually. All I have to do is power through them.

"Cole, we've had this argument before. I've dealt with my issues." I tap my hammer against the roof. "I'm not depressed anymore."

Cole shakes his head. "I'm not talking about that."

I bite my tongue.

He's referencing the guilt. The guilt that poisons me every day. Guilt that stems from being weak. From being involved in the accident. From causing the accident.

I'm stuck in a pit of regret and guilt.

Turning away from Cole, I get back to work, ending our conversation.

Behind me, Cole sighs and climbs down the ladder.

Closing my eyes, I pinch the bridge of my nose. I feel sick. Cole's words have brought memories to the forefront of my mind.

I know Cole's right. There's a better way to treat PTSD than to ignore it.

But...

I fear what I'll find. After years of suppressing emotions, who knows how dark and oily it is? It might suffocate me. The bottomless pit of regret and guilt will destroy me.

I'm scared I'll never be strong enough to face these emotions.