Lemon Boy

I just want a hug |23|

Yikes! Watch out kiddies, this is a vent chapter! It has self harm and mention of suicide! If you are sensitive to that, please be cautious.

Sal's POV

I haven't seen Larry nor Travis since...my dad...

...

...

Yeah..

Larry has been busy and didn't want me to go home, but I insisted since I didn't want to distract him. Nobody's even checked on me.

That sounds needy...I just want my friends here, so I don't feel so empty. When they're here, when I'm with them...I feel like I'm on top of the world. But then they leave and I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in my mind, with my mind. I'm numb, I've learned to just lay there and take it. Trying to fight back is no use..

I don't want to bother Larry with my feelings and I Of course can't text Travis, I would still be alone and he's with his parents.

My anxiety is really trying me today..

My eyes travel to the blue rubber band around my wrist. On the band are faded, stamped on numbers. I grab one end and pull it back as far as it stretches, then I release.

There's a snapping noise followed by a stinging in my wrist. I watch, as the wells form a solid red rectangle.

I move it down, grab, pull, tension, tension, release, snap.

I flinch at this one, it's on a more sensitive part of my skin. A smile tugs at the corners of my mouth, as the stinging sensation returns.

I hate this, I hate me. Why can't I just leave? It'd be so much easier on everybody else...they wouldn't have to worry. I wouldn't bother them with my incessant ranting or my annoying feelings. They deserve a better friend, a better person...not me.

Just like that girl said, I should die. Anything is better than this painful existence. Of course I could never go through with it...I'm too much of a coward.

I just like to fantasize about how it should be..

I'm sorry Dad...
I'm sorry Mom...
I'm sorry Todd, Ash, Neil, Lisa..
I'm sorry Larry and Travis..

You deserve perfect and I'm anything but. I MEAN JUST FUCKING LOOK AT ME. IM HIDEOUS, DISGUSTING.

I've lost my motivation to keep going...I'm only here for my friends and family.. that's it..

DAMNIT SAL!! I hit my forehead against the bottom of my palm. YOU CAN'T LEAN ON THEM FOR EVERYTHING!

It starts to get hard to breathe, I long for the warmth of Larry's arms or Travis' smell of lavender. I just wanted comfort...I just want a hug.

Pull.

Snap.

Pull.

Snap.

All over my arm, some crossed each other, but most were lined up edge to edge. Red mark after red mark, sting after sting.

I can't do this anymore. I can't be here anymore. I've gone through so much shit.

I was a mistake. My mom should be alive right now...why'd it have to be me..?

Why..?

I curled into a ball of tears and sobs. "WHY'D IT HAVE TO BE ME THAT LIVED HUH?" I paused to inhale, it was shaky and loud. "WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN HER THAT LIVED? I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW, IM SO STUPID AND UGLY AND WORTHLESS. I WISH I COULD JUST DO IT ALREADY—"

I was screaming and crying, when I felt a pair of warm arms wrap around me. I didn't care who it was. Who the hell cares? This is all I needed, all I wanted was just...

someone to hug me.