Misfit

III

Phone is quiet, walls are bare
I drink myself to sleep, who cares
No one even has to know
I'm dealing with it on my own

I was staring at the ceiling. Just staring at it like it's the most interesting thing ever existed.

I was feeling nothing.

I was almost done.

I just came back from the drag racing I competed with. I won but... something feels strange—no, it's something worse. I felt deader than usual. I need to drive again so I can feel my heart beating against my chest. I need to feel that adrenaline even without a competition.

Tahimik akong naglakad palabas ng bahay papunta sa garage to get my car. Nang makarating do'n tinitigan ko muna yung kotse ko. The only thing that keeps me alive.

Automatic ang gate namin kaya mabilis akong umalis. I slowed down. Breathe, Odium. You'll be okay.

'Di ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. I just found myself going to the highway and I started to step on the gas. The adrenaline is starting to kick in. Buti nalang at ala una ng umaga, wala masyadong kotse sa highway. I step on the gas again, it almost made everything outside blurry. I was feeling myself again. I was existing and breathing.

I matter.

I do have a say.

I'm alive.

I'm breathing.

I'll be okay.

I drove faster and faster even though I don't know where I'm going. Then everything starts to fell apart.

You don't.

You shouldn't have live.

You don't have a place here.

You'll never be okay.

How fucking ironic. As I saw the sign showing the nearest exit in 500m, I start to speed up again and once I saw the exit, I drifted. The tires screeched on the road and I think it left a mark there. Hell yeah! I won't even regret this when I'm sane.

As I pay for the toll, I went to the nearest gas station. Mukhang inaantok na yung gasoline boy pero lumapit pa din siya sa pag-aakalang magpapagas ako.

"Anong place ito, kuya?" I asked. I'm not familiar with anything in this place.

"Nasa Batangas ka po, Miss." Humihikab na sagot nito. "Papakarga ka po?"

I nodded and gave him a five-hundred-peso bill. "100 lang kuya 'yong premium. Keep the change po." Mukhang nagising ang diwa niya sa sinabi ko. Biglang nanlaki ang mata eh. "Nako, Miss. Nakakahiya po." Sabi niya habang nagkakamot ng batok.

"Okay lang, kuya. Papasok lang po ako sa convenience store," agad kong sabi para 'di na niya tanggihan. Tinignan ko ang watch ko, It's 2 o'clock am. Manila to Batangas isang oras? At hindi ko napansin na gano'n katagal ang byinahe ko. I was too occupied with the things in my head.

Pagkapasok sa convenience store sa gas station, dumiretso ako sa drinks at kumuha ng iced coffee at tubig. Dumaan na din ako sa aisle ng mga snacks at kumuha ng pagkain.

"Okay na po, Ma'am. Salamat po ulit." Ngiting sabi nito. Ngumiti ako pabalik t at pumasok na sa kotse.

I searched with my kung ano ang pinakamalapit na hotel dito. After that one-hour drive from Manila to Batangas, I felt exhausted.

Masyado nang na-overload yung utak ko kakaisip ng kung ano-ano.

It was still 2am in the morning ng makarating ako sa hotel na 'yon. Binati ako ng receptionist.