No Lifeguard on Duty

Diagnosis Autism Spectrum Disorder

Diagnosis Autism Spectrum Disorder

I’m in the waiting room

Waiting like I see the others

Waiting with robots who look like chairs

Or are these chairs who look like robots

People in chairs and chairs in people

I don’t know I get them so confused

Chairs and people look alike you know?

I’m in the doctor’s office now

She has a desktop, two cabinets,

A chair, this 2 person chair, her chair

A desk, a desktop, and a tablet

Why does she need a tablet and a desktop?

Maybe she works on her breaks?

You shouldn't work on your breaks

I bet she takes the tablet home

Why not get a laptop instead of both?

This isn't practical

Is she practical?

Her office is a mess

I want to organize her stuff

Her posters or magazine or whatever they are

are not organized

How can she not be organized?

I’m nervous now

Nothing is in order

We are talking

I prepared her some papers

Nothing comes out right

Take my papers

Those are right

These papers are me climbing

Climbing through your window

To get to you

Connect

You took my papers

I’m nervous

You didn't look at my papers

I made them for you to understand

You tell me about how you are a nervous person too

Are we relating?

I feel like I need to say something now

“I wrote things down that my girlfriend noticed too”

I look at my papers

She doesn't look

Relation failed

It always does

Now you're showing me

All these tests

there are 5 for anxiety

2 for autism

5 is greater than 2

I must not have autism

5 anxiety = greater than 2 autism

You point at a box and tell me

“This is what we use to test people with autism”

You say, “You won’t need this”

Oh god, what is wrong with me?

Why does she think I’m anxious?

I’m anxious because nothing relates

There is no pattern here

No relation

I silently scream inside my head

A symphony of jagged lines, ripples, and distortion

Now we are walking out the door

You handed me 5 for anxiety

2 for autism

Same for my girlfriend to fill out too

Why can’t I communicate?

Why can’t I tell her what I mean

5 is greater than 2

And for 3 weeks straight

That’s all that runs through my mind

An infinite k race, day in and day out

5 is great than 2

She thinks I have anxiety

3 weeks later

I find out I have autism spectrum disorder

At 30

I always did

It was clear to her from the start

The box wasn't needed

They thought I understood

I really wish I picked up on that

3 weeks ago.