Why Gen Z Kids will fix the world- or at least help people know why it's broken

Challenges

Slight Trigger Warning.

My Uncle brought my fantasy back down to earth. A soul crushing thing, really. But it's not exactly a new thing. Too bad this fantasy could've saved me. It has saved me.

This fantasy of mine.. it wasn't about a show or a book even though I do spend the majority of my time burying myself in them so I don't have to think and spend time in my own head. This fantasy was more realistic, yet still so dreamlike.

This dream of mine. It was about getting better. My fantasy, my dream, my plan it was about getting better. I dreamt that summer would come. I dreamt I would get a break and a chance to focus on myself and help myself out a bit by doing things that make me happy and ignoring the fact I have to do this all over again for years to come. I would spend time painting or roller skating, I would spend time rewatching my Favourite shows, I would lose some weight and cut my hair so maybe I'd be happier in my own skin. I'd go to my old town and see the friend who has kept me alive for so long. I would have time to finally get around to learning more and more ASL and Spanish, maybe even continue my French. This fantasy was a good one.

But it's a fantasy for a reason.

My uncle the other day, Mother's Day, a day where I was already so depressed I didn't think I would be able to get out of bed that day, decided to become the person we all knew he was.

We sat down for lunch and it was going well. We even had a few cousins over. Then he says it. "You aren't going to sleep all day during the summer. You're going to have a schedule still and pick up on more chores every day and you aren't going to just have free time. You are gonna get stuffed into reality and get your ass whooped by it in a few years and you need more challenges to prepare for it and start acting like a normal teenager."

Now, my thoughts on that are fairly simple. 1. My plan was to wake up at nine and get moving by ten. 2. I had my own schedule ready. 3. I work my ass off to survive school ALL YEAR ROUND so it's only fair I get these short two months for myself.  I may be your kid (ish) but I am NOT your human. 4. Thanks for kicking us out once we turn eighteen that's absolutely awesome. 5. Many teenagers drink and get tattoos and party and do stuff (not stereotyping you guys just saying like hey) that they shouldn't do, if you want me to respect you don't tell me not to.

So I'm sitting there, my appetite already gone. But I have to eat because I've already got the food and people are staring at me.

But I'm thinking. Challenges for me are not what they are for you. You're giving me more stress and depression on my already flooding plate. My challenges are eating anything without guilt, my challenges are faking like I care enough about school to pass, my challenges are getting up in the morning even when my depression wants me DEAD. They are my making it to the next counseling session they are not exploding they are not running away they are TRYING TO BE HAPPY AND TRYING TO CURE SOMETHING THAT IS IN MY HEAD ALWAYS TORMENTING ME ALWAYS MAKING ME THINK HORRIBLE THINGS ALWAYS WANTING ME D E A D MY CHALLENGES ARE NOT SLITTING MY PALE SUN DEPRIVED SKIN WITH A BLADE SHARP ENOUGH TO KILL A MAN THOSE ARE MY CHALLENGES HOW AM I GOING TO BEAT THEM IF I HAVE TO GET PAST THESE NEW ONES FIRST?

and it makes me feel horrible. because other people have it worse. and I have so many luxuries and people who support me even if they are online and I can't help but think that I don't deserve any of them.

so I guess my summer plans, my fantasy, my dream, my heaven and Valhalla, are gone.

because another human who has never been there for me says so.

because another human who thinks they own me because I'm a kid

Because another human thinks that I can get better

Because another human has no idea I'm planning my escape, both by suicide and running away.

Because I cry in private and I don't mention anything.

BECAUSE IM NOT SHOWING IT.

Sorry for this. I just. I felt like I should write it and this is like my diary and yeah.