Why Gen Z Kids will fix the world- or at least help people know why it's broken

Noticing The Small Things.

Since I came home, I can't help but think differently. Which leads me to wonder and think more. Lately when I've been sad, it hasn't been for me. It's normally because of things I notice. Things like my sister putting something a little more towards me when she is using it, something I must've drilled into her because I wanted full control over everything.

Or when my cousin can't make conversation, so if we talk it is because of another person or factor bringing something up. Understandable, I don't blame her and am content with her choice. She needs to heal too and I will respect it, but it hurts a little at the same time. 

Sometimes my siblings will ask me to play a game with them and I will find myself wondering if I should go even if I don't want to to make them happy or if I should be honest and risk distancing myself from them further. This is the part of recovery nobody talks about. The building up part, I mean. It's rough, and I find myself more and more trying to go out of the house to release tension. 

One day on my way home, my aunt was telling me she was proud I'd made a friend. She then followed it up with a "See how much better things get when you change a some things about yourself?" What she didn't know was that the friend I had made was in the hospital with me for months and had been my friend at my worst. I said nothing about this, because she was partially right. Things do get better, but just because I changed somewhat does not mean my life is just super easy now and that I have people wanting to be my friend at every turn. 

I wish I didn't see how much damage I caused. I wish I could wipe it all out and erase that part out. I impacted people. Negatively. Strongly. Forever. While I was out doing what I felt I should do, I left a disaster behind me. And it'll haunt me like a shadow, forever.