I Lost Control

6. Kindergarten

SUMMER

Later that night, after dinner and a second glass of wine, I'm sitting on the bathroom vanity with a mascara brush in my right hand, the tube of mascara in the other. The sound of Metallica greets my ears from the surround sound downstairs.

I finish off some light eye make up and hop down from the counter. I make my way into the bedroom where the French doors that lead to our balcony are open and there's a light breeze flowing through into the room. A smile forms on my lips. Today I'm happy.

I make my way over to the balcony and step out to see the whole backyard. I see my toe-headed son running around the pool, a raggedy toy in one hand and our Labrador Retriever, Sonny chasing him. Not far off are Brian's twins, Max and Rider. They're a bit older than Landon, a little over six years old, but they've been close since we moved in. Matt and Brian are sitting in fold out lawn chairs, a beer in both of their hands and I can see their mouths moving in conversation as they watch the kids play. When I get outside Brian stands from his chair to pull me into a hug.

"Good to see you, Sum." He mumbles against the top of my head before releasing me.

"You too, Bri." When he lets me go Matt reaches out to grab my hand and pulls my backwards until I lose my balance and land in his lap. A chuckle rumbles though his chest and I can't stop the smile from forming on my lips.

Matt's arms encircle my waist, giving me a squeeze, and as I make eye contact with Brian, there's a wary expression written across his face that I don't quite understand. I try to brush it off and let out a giggle as I rest my head back against Matt's shoulder. We sit in a comfortable silence for a moment as we watch the kids play. The dog leaps and bounds after them and that encourages the boys on as they burn off some energy before they're forced to sit still st the movie theater. I reach over for Matt's beer and take a drink of it before turning my attention back to Brian.

"How are they doing in school?" I ask as I motion towards the twins.

"Better this year. The teacher says they've both improved in almost every area since last semester." He eyes his boys with nothing but love.

"Good to hear. Good to know Michelle didn't screw them up too bad when she left." Matt speaks up and Brian let's out a sigh.

"Who knew kindergarten could be so tough." Brian let's out a laugh. "I would've probably been the only dad in Huntington Beach who's kids both failed kindergarten. How depressing is that?"

"Their mom left them, Bri. I think everyone would've understood." I tell him while taking another sip.

"They deserve better than that, you know?" Brian shakes his head and sets his half drank beer on the table in front of him.

"Of course they do." I watch the boys play and Matt rests his hand on my thigh before giving it a squeeze. "I don't know how you do it, honestly." I think of all the meetings I've had to attend and paperwork I've had to fill out in the last few weeks just to get my son enrolled. "I want to tear my hair out already." I joke, trying to lighten the mood.

"Whatever, you know you cry about it every night before you go to sleep." Matt teases.

"Hey, now." I feign offense. "Maybe I do, you know, cry a little when I think about my only child, my little, tiny baby, leaving me for kindergarten in the fall." The thought alone could choke me up.

"You'll have so much time on your hands you'll have to get a job." Brian points out and Matt shakes his head with distaste.

"Nope." My head snaps to face him and I raise an eyebrow.

"You're telling me I can't work when he's in school?" Matt continues to shake his head no. "What am I suppose to do with all that wasted time?" Matt shrugs his shoulders.

"Have another kid." I roll my eyes at him and slap his chest with the back of my hand.

"We about ready?" Matt asks, quickly changing the subject, as I sit up in his lap.

"Sure." I stand up from Matt's lap and he stretches his arms over his head before following suit.

"I'm going to run inside and change. I'll meet you at the car."

"Sounds good." He kisses my cheek as he heads into the house and I turn my attention to Brian.

"What's with the awkwardness?" I ask him.

"It's a good day for him." Brian points out as he turns to look at the house over his shoulder. I nod, knowing exactly what he means by that. "How are you?" He ask me with concern lacing his voice. I let out a breath and shrug my shoulders.

"Today I'm happy as can be. Today I feel loved. I wish it could always feel like this." Brian has always been someone I can rely on. The past few years I may not have survived if it hadn't been for him.

There were times I was so low I didn't think I'd ever come back up. Matt has always been oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I know Matt didn't ask to be this way, but neither did I. Brian could fix me in a way I can't explain and I could make it through a few more weeks, months, however long it took before things became unbearable again.

"Seems like there's more and more bad between the good these days." I whisper out. I cross my arms over my chest as a breeze blows my hair into my face. Goosebumps rise on my skin as I look past Brian at the house.

"I know. I see him every day, which is why I'm surprised you haven't called more than you have lately." I shrug.

"What is there to say? This is our life." I turn to look at my son and call his name. "Let's get going to the car." I tell the little boy as he runs over.

"Okay, mommy." He takes off running towards the house as do Brian's boys.

"You know you can always call, Summer. Whatever makes it easier. I don't know how you do it. There's some days him and I are into such a fight I don't know if I can do it anymore and I've known him since I was ten."

"I love the person I first met. Matt also loves Landon like his own son. How can I replace that in my son's life? Matt is the only dad he knows."

"But you deserve to be happy all the time. Even with Matt's issues he needs to recognize that."

"Matt has no idea what he's doing. I've accepted it. So I live for the good days and I'll keep surviving the bad one at a time." Brian let's out a frustrated sigh and heads towards the house before I decide to follow.