I Lost Control

32. In Control

SUMMER

Landon and I are laying on the couch after the drive home watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. Instead of being fixed on the television screen, my eyes rest on him. I worry that I'm making a mistake, that allowing Matt back after only a few days of trying to prove himself will only cause more harm than good. Then, I remember how devastated Landon was when Samantha had opened her big mouth and said what she did.

If Matt can only stay this way, be who he's shown me since coming to Portland, the person I knew he could be all along, then all those worries would disappear. I pull my phone from my pocket and pull up Matt's name before sending a quick text.

'Don't come to the door when you get here, just text me and I'll come out. I want to talk before we do this.' I give Landon another look, but this time he catches me.

"What are you looking at?" He asks with a cheeky grin.

"Nothing, babe."

"When will my surprise be here?" He fidgets in his seat which causes me to laugh.

"Soon, I promise." By the time the credits roll on the screen, my phone vibrates and my body is swallowed by nerves.

'I'm here.' I read and slowly stand.

"I'll be right back. You stay here and pick another movie." I tell Landon before slipping into a pair of shoes and heading for the front door. When I get outside, Matt is leaning against his car with a cigarette lit resting between his fingers. The smoke coils like a grey snake around him in the moonlight before disappearing.

"Does he know I'm here?" Matt asks while taking a puff.

"No, all he knows is he's getting a surprise tonight." Matt nods his head as he watches me come closer. "Listen, I need to know a few things before we do this."

"You can ask me anything." I turn to look back at the house before speaking.

"How often do you see your psychiatrist?"

"It was twice a week until I hit the one year sober point, now it's once except for this one, obviously." He doesn't hesitate, like he has nothing to hide, and that calms me a little.

"When was the last time you felt that," I pause, searching for the right word. "That demon inside you?" A warm smile pulls at the corners of his mouth, exposing his irresistible dimples.

"Since getting sober, not once." A breath of relief leaves my chest and hope begins to wrap itself around my insides.

"If you come back into his life, there can't be even one slip. I mean that, because the first time it happens you will leave us behind and that will be the last chance you ever get with him." The words feel harsh as I say them, but I know it's necessary. He needs to know that there will never be a third chance. "If it happens again, Matt, I will tell him you died from your sickness. That you loved him deeply, but couldn't get better." Matt is quiet for a moment as he contemplates my requirement.

"It'll never happens again. I swear that to you on my own life." The look in his eyes is sincere and I do my best to shake off the nerves I'm feeling as I turn without another word and head for the door. When I realize Matt isn't following, I turn with my hand on the knob.

"You coming?" I question with a smirk and his face lights up. He closes the gap in seconds as I step in the front door where Landon is sitting on the floor flipping through our movie selection. "Landon, your surprise is here." Landon's eyes snap up as Matt steps through the door. He stares in disbelief for a moment without moving a muscle as he gets a glimpse of Matt for the first time in two years.

"Hey, bud." Landon's face turns to the ground as his little shoulders shake with silent cries and when he looks up again, there's tears streaming down his cheeks. For a second, I think we've made a terrible mistake and by the look Matt gives me, he does too, but then Landon stands and makes his way over, the tears still flowing.

Matt kneels down to be at eye level and Landon holds his arms out. Landon's arms encircle Matt's neck and he lifts the little boy into his arms while squeezing him tight.

"I missed you." Matt whispers in Landon's ear as my son buries his face in Matt's neck. My heart squeezes in my chest as I watch the scene before me and I almost start crying myself, but I know I have to keep it together for the both of them. Matt looks at me over Landon's shoulder and in this moment, every bit of my love for him comes rushing into the center of my chest like a wave.

"I'll be right back." I tell the two of them as Matt carries Landon into the living room so he can sit down on the couch. I hurry up the stairs and into the master bedroom without waiting on a response. When I get there, I close the door and take a deep breath, trying everything I can to get my runaway emotions under control. It's not long before there's a knock on the door and when I open it, Matt stands on the other side.

"Are you alright?" He asks while sticking his hands in his pockets, a position that seems to be a comfort to him these days.

"I'm fine." I force a smile and try to step past him, knowing Landon will come looking for me soon, but Matt steps to the side to block my path with his body.

"I didn't just come to Portland for Landon." His voice is low.

"It's late, I need to get him into bed." I try to take another step, but he matches it once again.

"Summer." I try to keep my eyes from looking up into his face because I know when I do it will all be over. "I know you felt what I felt when you kissed me."

"I love you." The words spill out of my mouth without thinking them through. That's when I look up. His expression is blank, as if that's the last thing he ever expected to hear me say. Instead of a verbal response, the next thing I know his hands are cupping my face and his lips are on mine. Matt uses his body to push me back against the wall which causes my limbs to melt into jello.

The familiar version of him is brought to the surface as we mold to one another. It's almost as if no time has passed as his hands roam my body, but there's still a bit of hesitance to his movements, as if he doesn't know just how far he can go. His calloused fingertips send chills down my spine, encouraging me to stand up taller on my toes to have more of him. All too soon, he pulls back and rests his forehead against mine, both of us trying to catch our breath.

"Let's go watch a movie with Landon." I whisper, almost hating to break the silence. Matt agrees with a nod and we head down the stairs hand in hand. Landon sits on the couch waiting for us with The Lion King resting on his lap. I take a seat next to him and wrap my arm around his shoulders. "The Lion King, hm? You haven't asked to watch that since you were much littler." Matt comes over and takes the case from the boy before popping it in to the DVD player.

"I liked watching it with dad." Those words cause my eyes to burn and I squeeze him tighter to me in a hug. Matt sits beside us, his hand resting on my leg as he gazes peacefully at the two of us, and as the previews begin to play, I feel whole. Like I'm in control of my own life again.

THE END