I Lost Control

20. Help

MATT

I slam the stack of papers down in the countertop with rage coursing through my body and I know I have to get myself under control before I lose it. This can't be right. There has to be some sort of mistake. When I requested Summer's call history, I did it because I assumed she was involved with someone else. Maybe that's why she's been so emotional. That's the only explanation I can rationalize in my mind after all we have been through.

When I scanned through the numbers, I didn't expect to see what I saw. How? How could Summer be in contact with my ex wife? More importantly, why?

I storm into the living room, my heart beating hard in my chest and I know the only thing that will solve my problem is to get away from it. I have to get out of my own head. My heart skips a beat as I set down the bottle of Jack Daniels and reach for the syringe filled with the dark liquid. Dope, black tar, smack, it's called a thousand different things depending on where you grew up.

I call it freedom.

It's freedom from all the voices in my head and the anger in my heart on those days I can't remember why I still fight. It's a relief from the madness and I'm willing to do what I have to to get a break every now and then. It's a life saver. A problem solver. It keeps the darkness at bay.

As the needle enters the skin of my inner forearm, I rest my head back on the couch and let the calm rush over me. There's no pulse racing high. No dizzy sense of 'I'm king of the world.' Just a calm quiet I can't describe if I tried.

I exhale as my eyes close and I toss the syringe onto the coffee table. Life isn't so bad, now. Maybe life is even okay. With all the lights off in the house and not even a sound coming from the stereo I can think about the things that truly matter.

Summer. My reason for breathing. My reason I haven't said fuck it all and isolated myself. I couldn't have met a better person to tame whatever this 'darkness,' as she calls it, if I'd asked.

I miss her, I miss Landon. I miss the kid that's not mine by blood, but he's all mine regardless.

Calm rushes through me and I lean back against the couch to relish the feeling. Everything is okay. She's going to come back and save me just like she's done so many times before.

I know somethings not right when my heart rate begins to slow and my stomach starts turning. My limbs feel weighted and I don't know if I have the strength to move. I shift my weight and try to get my legs underneath me with a bit of a struggle. I manage to stand from the couch and make my way to the stairs, but my head begins to scream in pain and the nausea almost makes me lose my balance.

Maybe this is how it ends for me. Maybe for once I'd pushed myself too far but maybe that's okay. Summer, Landon, Brian, they'd all be better off without me anyway, so I guess if I have to go I'd rather go thinking of how much I love them.

The stairs seem like a mile long daunting feat, but I begin the climb, not knowing what will happen because of the stupid mistake I've made. The pounding in my head doesn't relent and it's all I can do to stay on my feet. I use my hands to half walk, half crawl up the staircase. The world seems to disappear from beneath my feet and my mind goes black.

SUMMER

His eyes flutter open as I sit in the chair beside the bed and my heart stops. Matt takes a few seconds to look around at his surroundings before his eyes land on me. They don't move, his gaze intense.

"Matt." I whisper out as I rush over and climb into bed beside him. I reach out to cup his face in my hands while pressing a kiss to his lips like its the last kiss I'll ever get. His hands reach up to lace through my hair and I relish the feeling of him. His grip is not as strong as normal, but its there. He's here. Awake. Alive. I pull away and he sits up in bed, his back leaning against the headboard.

"How could you?" My voice is soft, a tinge of hurt in every word. Matt doesn't speak for a moment. His eyes just continue to stare deep into mine.

"I didn't want to end up here." He whispers as his fingers brush across my cheek to slip my hair behind my ear. "Don't think for a second that I wanted to leave you."

"Then, what? What was this?"

"Me being an idiot. I wasn't thinking about what I was doing."

"Damnit, Matt. You almost died." My voice cracks and I can feel my throat tighten. I want to lash out at him for being the cause, but I know now isn't the time.

"But I didn't. You came back."

"What if I hadn't?"

"That doesn't matter. You did." I stand from the bed and run my fingers through my hair.

"You have to get help. You have to see someone."

"Do you love me?" Matt stands slowly from the bed and comes over to me.

"Of course I love you, you idiot." He wraps his arms around my shoulders and holds me tight to his chest. All fight diminishes and my arms slip around his waist. "What if Landon had found you?" I whisper out against his bare chest.

"Enough with the what ifs and what could have happened." He holds me at arms length and there's a soft smile on his face. "If me getting help is what will keep you here, then help is what I'll get."

"You promise?"

"I promise." His hazel eyes stare down at me and he reaches out to brush my hair out of my face before enveloping me into an embrace that soothes my soul.