I Lost Control

7. Movies

SUMMER

About halfway through the movie, the kids are having a great time laughing along with the cartoon, but I can feel everything shift not even halfway through. I'm sitting beside Matt, my hand in his. The kids are sitting directly in front of us and Brian is sitting on my left.

It starts as a subtle change. Matt pulls his phone out of his pocket and starts scrolling, withdrawing himself from hanging out with the family. As small as they may seem, I know the signs and my heart sinks. I thought I would get more time.

Matt unlaces his fingers from mine without even glancing up to take his phone in both of his hands. A little while later his knee starts bouncing up and down in agitation and that's when I know the good day is over. A deep breath leaves Matt's chest in a huff and I flicker my eyes back to the screen to keep from getting caught staring as his gaze turns to me.

I glance at Brian out of the corner of my eye and he leans forward just enough to look at his best friend. Brian eyes Matt who has one leg crossed over the other and his elbow propped to support his head as he pays more attention to his phone than us. I hear Brian sigh as he sits back once more and rests his head back against the seat.

"I'm going to wait outside." Matt leans over and mumbles in my ear after about fifteen minutes.

"But, Matt-" As he stands I reach out to take his hand in mine. He brushes me off without making a scene and makes his way down the aisle without a second look. I brush my hair out of my face and turn to see Landon turned in his seat staring after Matt as he goes and a piece of my heart breaks. Landon looks back at me as Brian's twins are oblivious and I can see the hurt written all over his face.

"I'm sorry." I mouth silently to my son and he just nods his head and turns his attention back to the movie. I lean forward and run my fingers through Landon's blonde hair before sitting back and crossing my arms over my chest.

"It's getting worse." Brian says to me in a whisper to keep anyone else in the theater from hearing.

"I know."

"Something has to change, Sum."

"Maybe it won't be so bad this time." Brian gives me a stern look and I drop my gaze to my lap.

"What's it going to take?" His mouth is close to my ear and I bite my bottom lip. Anxiety courses through me as I think of just how bad it can get with Matt when the darkness inside him takes over.

We've screamed at each other until it felt like my lungs were going to collapse. There have been times he's walked out on a fight and not come home for days at a time. Landon has seen and overheard a thousand things he never should've and I'm guilty for that. It's my job to shield him from the worst parts of the world and I can't even save him from us.

"I don't know." My gaze stays locked on my lap.

"You need to figure it out."

"Watch the boys. I'm going to go talk to him."

"Are you sure?"

"I've been dealing with this for most of our relationship, Brian. The bad times are not new to me." I stand up from my seat and lean forward to whisper in Landon's ear.

"I'm going to go check on dad. Stay here with uncle Brian and I'll see you in a minute." I kiss his cheek as he nods and I head out the way Matt had left minutes before.

My nerves start acting up and I shake my hands at my sides to try and alleviate the tingling sensation. I let out a deep breath as I push open the front door to the movie theater and I see Matt standing under a street light, a cigarette hanging from his mouth and one hand in his pocket.

"Babe." I call out and he turns to look at me. He pulls the cigarette from his lip and points towards the theater.

"The movie isn't over yet." His tone is flat.

"I know." I get closer to him and I take the cigarette from his hand. He raises his eyebrows as I take a hit of nicotine and place it back between his fingers. The smoke leaves through my nostrils and I relish the calm feeling it brings. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine."

"Please, talk to me." Matt takes another drag off the cigarette and drops it to the ground. His boot smashes the cherry out and his gaze stays locked on me.

"There's nothing to talk about." His shoulders shrug, his tone nonchalant.

"Damnit, Matt. Please. I love you and I would do anything to make this work but it seems like nothing I do helps at all."

"So why do you keep trying?" The left side of my chest tightens and I can feel a lump in my throat forming. This conversation isn't new, but it's not one I enjoy having. When Matt is emotionless my heart sometimes can't take it.

"Because I know you love me, too. Deep down. Even if sometimes you don't feel it." I take a few steps closer to him and press my hand to his cheek. He refuses to look me in the eye, his gaze going right over my head. "Matt." His eyes flicker down to my level.

"What's the point? Jesus Christ, Summer. It's never fucking ending with you sometimes." Matt takes a step back and my hand falls back down to my side. I open my mouth but no words come out. "I just need you to leave me alone. Got it?" He digs in his pocket for the keys and tosses them towards me. They land at my feet and I stand there in silence. "I'm going to get a cab. Don't wait up." He turns his back to me and walks off into the dark and I'm left standing there with no idea what to say or do.

I stand there for a while, not sure exactly how long, until someone grabs my arm and I almost jump out of my skin. I fly around to come face to face with Brian.

"What are you doing out here? Where's Matt?" I look over his shoulder to see the kids standing in a huddle laughing and talking about the movie.

"He left." I whisper out. Brian's lips form a firm line as he exhales. I turn around and pick the keys up off the ground and hand them to Brian. "Let's go home." Brian doesn't say another word as he takes the keys from me and heads towards the car.