I Lost Control

31. Spaghetti

SUMMER

"Where are you living now?" I ask Matt as we sit across from each other on opposite sides of a picnic bench at the park. I had agreed to meet with him after dropping Landon off at school to discuss where to go from here.

Deep down inside me, I was dying to see him again, to just be close to him after all of this time. I could barely get to sleep last night as I had laid in bed playing the conversation over again in my head. Not once did Matt mention wanting anything with me. All he had been concerned with was being in Landon's life. It's possible that Matt had let his feelings for me go in the hopes of moving forward, but I could still dream about it in the stillness of my bedroom.

Maybe I'm the one who needs help, I don't know, but what I do know is seeing him after two years, especially with how much better off he seemed to be, has unearthed a lot of feelings I never dealt with. I had buried them the minute I left California and hadn't thought of them since. I couldn't, or I would've ran back to him like a puppy with it's tail tucked, even after all of the chaos.

"I bought a smaller house on the beach in Huntington." He takes a pull from the cup of coffee I had picked up for him on my way. "It's just a two bedroom, but I'm only one person so I don't need much space." I nod as I look down at my hands that are wrapped around my own cup. "Have you heard from him?" Theres a tentativeness to his question, as if he's afraid to hear the answer.

"Brian?" Matt only holds my gaze which is answer enough. "No, not since that night." His expression turns to one of surprise.

"I thought maybe you two would have kept in touch." I shake my head.

"There was too much bad blood. I had to cut ties with everyone." A solemn sadness creeps into my bones as I think of the man I use to consider my best friend. "He never would have forgiven me."

"I know that he moved away, too. I heard he took a job in Phoenix."

"That's good, I'm sure he's happy there." Matt sits across from me without saying anything for a while. Talking to him like this feels a little awkward, like we are strangers now after all this time.

"Can we talk about Landon?" He breaches the subject with caution, as if he's afraid of how I might react. "I want to see him, Summer."

"I know you do." I let out a sigh as I think of all the complications that could come up if I tell my son Matt is back, but I also don't know how I could keep that from him.

"You can see that I'm different." Matt reaches across the table and places his hand on top of my own. "There's nothing you have to worry about." I flip my hand so it's palm up and lace my fingers through his. It's an unconscious reaction and I'm not prepared for the way it feels. Butterflies crop up in my stomach, causing me to hold on tighter. When I risk a look up, Matt's eyes are fixed on our intertwined fingers.

"My sister will be here this weekend, but maybe after that?" Neither of us bring any attention to our laced fingers.

"I'd really like that." His hazel eyes shine with hope.

"Are you still working at the agency?" I question as he brushes his thumb over my own.

"Not nearly as much. I took a few months leave back when I was in and out of rehab. Since then I've taken on less projects, it's better that way. What about you, where are you working?"

"I've been doing administrative work at the hospital at night when I don't have class." The job has been a nice distraction since moving here. I'd never planned on getting into the medical field, but I didn't want to end up back in a dead end club with no real future plans for us. "My neighbor, Alma, she watches Landon for free. She swears it keeps her youthful, but I know she's really just doing it as a favor because I'm a single mom." I shrug my shoulders.