I Lost Control

27. The Truth

SUMMER

The sound of The Lion King blares from the living room as I work on washing a stack of dishes that Matt has let pile up in the time that I've been gone. Cleaning has never been a strong point for him, but I was still surprised by how messy things had gotten without me around to clean up after him.

Matt had bailed on helping by using Landon as a pawn and the blonde headed boy eagerly agreed that Matt just had to come with him to watch the movie. It didn't bother me. Something about doing a task like washing dishes makes me feel like our lives are a little less chaotic. Listening to the sound of the movie from the next room and chatter of Matt and Landon to each other feels normal, like the past couple weeks haven't happened.

I stare out the window over the sink out at the backyard and try to envision what I want my life to look like in the future. Is Matt the one I see myself with forever? If he can get his issues together then yes, but what if he can't?

A little while later I walk into the living room to see the lights off and the movie still playing, but both Matt and Landon are sound asleep, Matt sitting on the couch with his head against the back, Landon sprawled across his lap. My chest swells as I look at the two people I love most in the world. I walk over to them and try to gently pick Landon up off Matt's lap when I feel Matt's hand brush against mine.

"It's okay, I've got him." Matt's voice is raspy and full of sleep.

"Sure?" I whisper.

"Yeah." He stretches his arms over his head and yawns before lifting Landon and heading for the stairs.

"I'll sleep in the guest room." Matt says without turning to look at me.

"Don't be stupid." I mumble out as I follow him up the stairs. I head into the master bedroom and strip down to my panties before searching for a tshirt to put on. I go to reach for one of Matt's draped over the chair by the bed when I feel arms encircle my waist and it's habit to lean back into the chest behind me.

We stand in silence for a moment, my hands resting on his forearms that are crossed around my waist. Matt rests his chin on my shoulder and I close my eyes.

"Nothing feels right without you here." Matt's breath tickles my ear and I let out a sigh. "I come home from work and the house is silent. I'm so use to hearing Landon running around, the tv in his playroom blaring cartoons, you singing in the shower or listening to the radio while you cook dinner." Guilt laces his words.

"I know what you mean." I turn in his arms and wrap mine around his waist, my head resting on his chest. I breath in the smell of him from his shirt and nostalgia runs through me.

"Come home." He squeezes me tight and I don't resist. "I don't want to do this anymore. I want you here everyday and I want my family back." I pull away enough so I can look at his face and his eyes are full of pain. He means this. I lean up and press a kiss to his lips.

"Okay." I give in.

"You're serious? You will?" A hopeful smile forms on his lips.

"I have a few conditions I've been thinking about."

"Anything."

"One. I expect you to keep seeing your psychiatrist. Weekly, five times a week if it's necessary. Two, I want you to talk to someone about the drugs. I don't know if that's something you can bring up in your sessions, or if you need to seek out someone who specializes in that, but it can never happen again. Not even the slightest slip up, Matt. I mean it." My tone is firm with no room for arguments.

"I promise. What's three?" I look away from him to glance around the room that has been ours together for the last few years. There's so many memories here. Good and bad. All the fights, the makeups, they all flash inside my mind. The only problem is every time I look towards the bathroom, I feel sick. Finding Matt on the floor like I did has stuck with me.