My Programming Mind

Chapter Twenty

"Claire is gone."

"What do you mean she's gone?" I was confused.

"Tamasha called me this afternoon to tell me that she had taken Claire to a boarding school," Roy said more tired than he was.

"What the actual fuck? Isn't she like 6 years old? Who does that to a 6-year-old girl?" I deadpanned.

"She isn't 6 yet. And it was her mother who did that to her."

"But you can do otherwise," I said a bit angry about the whole situation.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can Roy. You can do better."

"No, I can't."

"You can do it. You are her father and you are going to take care of your daughter in the right way." I shouted at him.

"She isn't my daughter!" He shouted back.

All the fury and pity I felt at that time just disappeared. I wanted to say something or ask anything but I couldn't form the words in my mouth. My mind was racing a thousand kilometers of marathons with a speed of ten thousand kilometers per second.

I only managed to gasp and open my mouth like a fish. No words were coming out. No sound.

"Let's go back to your room." He said after seeing how shocked I was.

We got to my room in a second and I pulled a blanket and lay it down along with pillows so we could talk freely. I didn't want to risk going to sleep if we had talked on the bed.

"If Claire isn't your daughter, then you didn't rape Tamasha. Wait, we never talked about this before." A realization crept in. "Why didn't we talk about this?"

"Aarush, just take a deep breath." He said and it was at that time I realized I was holding my breath and I looked like I was going to pass out any second.

"I tried to avoid talking about this the best I could because I was afraid of how you would think of me. I was skeptical and so insecure." He looked everywhere but at me.

"I just told you that I got married to Tamasha because I was accused of raping her and she was pregnant. Actually, there's more to that than the accused and marriage that I let slip." He looked like he was overthinking the whole thing but he just let out a deep breath and continued.

"I'm not who you think I am. You may have seen me and all the things that define me but you haven't seen my past. You don't know the ugly skeletons I have in my closet. You don't know how dark my life had been that I could easily let myself serenade in an ounce of a joyous moment. There's this darkness that makes it all black. I can't even start to tell you about it.

"I was a boy in a family of five children as you already know. My first brother was named Zafar, he was our firstborn. Junaid followed, then Clara, then I, and the last one is Diya." He seemed so hurt talking about it that I had to hold his hand. "Our mother left us when we were young to go and live with her lover. Our father with the help of our maid, Miss Priya, took care of us. Everything was great and all until one day when I found out that there was something amiss in me."

He paused for quite some time I nearly told him, it was okay if he wasn't ready to share his story yet. He saw through it and spoke first.

"Don't speak." He said and I nodded in approval. "I wasn't the only one who saw it. Zafar saw how I struggled with the whole thing too. He had called me into his room one day and asked me the question that I still ask myself today and I don't get the answer of. He asked me how I felt? A question so simple but with a lot of question marks. He was the only person who cared and showed that he could do anything and thus I let him in on my biggest secret. It was on that day that I said it out loud for the world. It wasn't in my head no more, it was out there for the world to hear and know about it. I told Zafar that I liked boys. At least one in particular."