Heal my Heart

Chapter 3 - The Beginning

She's dead...

Grizz couldn't take this fateful fact out of his mind. It now had been a couple of weeks since their accident. Ellen Visser had been buried by a rainy day, no one crying for her except for the young wounded boy. Grizz was now back home, back to their everyday life but something was missing from him. As if his mother had taken this little raging light inside of him with her when she died. As if nothing was even worth living now that she was gone.

But Grizz wouldn't give up his life and joy because of her, "That's not what she would have wanted for me", he told himself.

She was so full of brillance and love, she was just like a sun, warm and kind, bright and beautiful. He couldn't just stay in this darkness ; whenever he thought of her, he felt like betraying her by behaving like that. So he returned to school, saw his friends again, laughed and smiled again. Even if he always felt some kind of void on the late night, this life would have been almost sufficient for him. If it wasn't for Logan.

Logan Visser was a great dad. Okay, sometimes he went a little too far when he was alone with a bottle of whiskey but he loved his wife and child. She was the pride of his life and Gareth was... well, here. He never wanted children but Ellen was so thrilled being pregnant that he ultimately agreed to keep the child. Only later did he understand that this little thing would take all their energy and that he would monopolize his dear wife to a point that she wouldn't have anytime left for him. He sometimes lashed out on the kid because of it but seeing Ellen so happy and delighted, he never thought too much about it.

But now she was gone. Because of him. Because he took her away from his loving arms. And everybody was just acting as if this child was such a sad victim, not giving a shit that he was suffering too ! The love of his life, his whole heart, gone, forever ! Because of him !

The first time it happened, Grizz was coming home from school as usual but he could sense that something wasn't right.

" Dad ? Are you home already ? " he asked, searching from the kitchen to the living room.

There was his father, drunk as a skunk, facing the window watching the little kids walking home innocently.

" You did this. " he whispered.

" Did what, dad ? Are you okay ? Do you want me to get you something...? " Grizz said, sensing already the menacing aura emitting from his father.

" You did this to me ! " he yelled, showing the whiskey bottle dancing between his fingers. " You made my life so miserable ! You should never have been born, Ellen would still be there, with me! But now what huh?! I'm stuck here, with you, you fucking monster ! Am I supposed to love you ? To care for you ? Who would ever care for a murderer like you ! "

Grizz stood there for a moment, frozen by his dad's words. He knew that he could sometimes say hurtful things when he was feeling sad or when he was drunk but that never happened before... not to this extent.

Sensing his father strong feelings, Grizz couldn't shake out from his mind that what he just heard was his dad's real thoughts and not only a raw drunk anger. He felt so sad, so betrayed, to be rejected like that by his own father at such a time.

" I'm so sorry it happened dad... I'm sorry you feel this way about me, I'm sorry I took mum from you. I..." he mumbled, half sobbing.

He didn't want to upset his father anymore and he himself took the blame for what happened. If he didn't have a fight with his father on his birthday and if they didn't go to the movie, then his mother wouldn't be dead. But he was only eight years old, there is just so much a young boy can comprehend or understand and his father's feeling towards his birth was something that just didn't make sense to him. Why was he born if his father didn't want kids ? Or was it because it's him ? Because of who he is and how he behaves ?

" I'm sorry if I did something to upset you dad, I ..."

" Upset me ? Upset me ?! Your very existence is upsetting me Gareth ! If only you had died instead of her..."

That was more than Grizz could take, with tears in his eyes and pain in the heart, he just turned around whispering a faint " Sorry..." before leaving the room.

" Owh, you think you can just walk away on me like that ?! You better come back here Gareth ! "

But he couldn't listen to this anymore, he ran out of the room and headed straight to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He was afraid. Scared of his own dad. But Grizz could sense so much hate coming from his father that he really didn't know what the man was capable of right now. Logan didn't have anything to lose anymore, so he became suddenly a very dangerous man. Knowing he held him responsible for his mother's death, Grizz couldn't stop his hands from shaking and his eyes from crying.

He heard yelling and glass breaking coming from downstairs and curled further in his bed, trying to block his father's feelings from flowing through him. Suddenly, there was a loud sound and the door broke open, revealing a very drunk and frightening Logan. Grizz tried to hide himself between his sheets but there was nothing he could do to prevent what was coming for him.

Logan grabbed him by the ankle and dragged him out of bed on the cold floor. Grizz screamed to let him go. Never before did he feel as scared as he was at this very moment. Yelling nonsense and insulting him, Logan picked the boy from the ground and held him by the shirt.

" Never again walk away on me like that, you little shit ! You think you're better than me, is that it huh ?! Well, I'm gonna show you who's in command here ! " yelled Logan

" Dad, please stop ! Please, I'm sorry I won't do it again, I promise, I won't do it ! Juste please..." he begged.

But before he could even finish his sentence, Grizz felt a sharp pain shooting through his left cheek. He stumbled on the floor, touching his face, eyes wide open in shock. Did his dad just punch him ?

The eight years old was trying to process everything that was happening but then his father grabbed him again by the collar, punching him a second time on the floor. He felt blood coming from his nose but he didn't have time for that, Logan had decided that punches won't be enough so he began kicking his son in the guts.

He lashed out like that for a few minutes before calming down, grabbing his bottle and heading downstairs, leaving a very beaten and bloody Grizz on the floor. Grizz tried to compose himself and to straighten up in a seated position but his injuries from the accident were still fresh and his bruised ribs now screamed from the kicking. He stayed there on the floor the whole night, crying himself to sleep.

" What have I done to deserve that? What did I do? Did I really kill her ? Did I really make my father an alcoholic bastard ? What should I do? What should I do... ? Please, mum, anyone, help me ! Help me... "

Little did he know that this, was only the beginning.