Lakeview's Outcast {Wattys2015}

Chapter 19 - Hot Chocolate & Tears

My breathing was shallow, my mind racing with thoughts too quickly for me to comprehend and all I could see were spots in front of my eyes. My break up with Brad had a bigger effect than I liked to let on, and I felt weak, completely and utterly pathetic knowing that I got so effected by a mere break up. It was a normal part of life, we fall in love, we break up, it was normal and there were plenty of girls before me who had the same thing happen to them. But you wouldn't see them having a panic attack purely from thinking about their breakup. 

The first few months after our break up I was a wreck, both emotionally and physically and I relied heavily on my Mum. I just couldn't believe that the guy I had fallen in love with, the one that I had dated for over a year had so cruelly dumped me. And the fact that my brothers and I grew distant after that incident, losing them and their support, just hurt me even more. So, when Justine first started publicly humiliating me I couldn't handle it, I would run straight into the bathrooms and spend the next few periods crying. The bullying didn't stop, in fact it only grew worse from there, her pranks become bolder and harsher and then the panic attacks ensued.

And I was having one now...in Ashton's bedroom. I cup my hands over my mouth trying to focus on taking deep breaths, my heart was pounding against my rib cage almost as if it wanted to escape and as much as I try to regain control, I can't. Tears form in my eyes and the sobs that rack my body only make it harder to breathe and I stare at the plain black carpeting under my feet focusing on that and not the negative thoughts racing through my head. I can hear Ashton shuffling next to me but I don't have the energy to turn and face him, not when I could barely breathe properly.

A few minutes later strong arms were pulling me into a chest, I breathe in the smell of citrus and sea breeze, the scent calming me slightly. If my head wasn't all over the place I would have over-analyzed his behaviour, I would have wondered what happened to the cold Ashton I've become accustomed to. 

But right now all I could focus on was the fact that Ashton was engulfing me in the warmest bear hug I've ever received. His hands were moving in circular motions over my back and I focused on that instead of the pounding in my head. My arms go around Ashton's neck as I bury my head in the crook of his neck, my sobs slowly dying down. His embrace felt warm, safe and like everything good in the world. Ashton only hugs me tighter and I spend the next few minutes gathering my thoughts before reluctantly pulling away.

Wiping my tears away quickly I retract my hands and clasp them in my lap, I was too embarrassed to look Ashton in the eye so I settle on glaring at the carpet again.

"How long have you had these panic attacks for?" Ashton mumbles, he hadn't moved away so he was still kneeling in front of me, his head ducking so that he can try to look into his eyes but I avoid his stare.

"Two years ago I had my first one... Look can we talk another day? I just remembered I have all these chores to do..." I quickly glance up into his eyes and am shocked to see that he's shut himself off from me. His eyes were completely emotionless as he stands up and extends his hand, hesitantly I place my hand in his and he pulls me up with a tug. I crash into his chest with an 'oomph' surprised by the force of his tug and his arm immediately wrap around my waist in order to prevent my fall. 

"Ok, we won't talk now. But before I take you home I want to take you to a cafe" he mutters, clasping my hand in a firm grip he pulls me along behind him until we've reached his motorbike.

"I don't get it, what are you doing Ashton?" I ask him extremely confused and I was too emotionally exhausted to do anything other then dive under my covers.

"Trust me" he whispers with a small smile and I stand still, shocked for a few seconds before I realize that it's just a simple visit to the cafe. Nothing to be worried about, besides he was my ride home considering I'd left my phone at home.