depression isn't always sadness.
it's numbness, anxiety, doubt, self-hate, disgust, stress, anger.
it's a tangle of all of these.
depression is feeling so hopeless that you feel there's no point in living.
when you look in the mirror and you see a troll stare back at you.
when you feel there's no life meant to live.
when you're seriously questioning why you're still here and why you haven't pulled the trigger.
it burns, a fire spreading your body into an inferno that's almost worse than the numb, icy feeling.
it's hard to love, hard to trust, hard to let people in, because i've been let down so many times before.
it feels like i'm stuck in a ditch that i cant seem to crawl out of, and nobody can or is willing to pull me up.
i put makeup on so that i can be that pretty, bubbly girl i once was before the despair and agony took control of my life.
it's a cycle.
i'm allowed momentary "happiness" for a few months.
and then, because i can't live life like everyone else, misery creeps in through the cracks i just couldn't seal, choking the humanity from me.
and after that, i retreat back into my hollow shell.
repeat
repeat
repeat
