All of the reasons not to do this began flooding my brain as I tried to get comfortable on the couch. But deep down I knew that Sara was right, I had to tell Jared about Shannon texting me. I could feel the panic growing as I shifted my position a few times. "Hey, you know I couldn't go to bed without hearing your voice." I replied.
"Aww. I'm missing you already. My bed on this bus feels so empty without you next to me." The bunks on the tour bus are such small, confined spaces and when someone speaks, depending on where they are, they can hear every word you are saying. I knew that if Shannon was in his bunk, he was probably listening to Jared. I decided that I couldn't confess anything without Jared having some sort of loud outburst in response. I'll tell him tomorrow or the next time he's completely alone. "Did you end up going to Sara's?" His voice cut right through my thoughts.
"I did. Chase is so adorable, and she and I had a very nice, and long overdue chat. You know, it's crazy how you think when you're young that you'll always be close to your best friend. Unfortunately, you end up growing apart, both being pulled in different directions as you live your lives. And you still hang out and catch up every once in a while, but in between those times, that gap just gets bigger and bigger. I hate it, Jared. Nothing is the same between Sara and I anymore." What I said was true, I honestly did feel this way, and I couldn't fight the loneliness that seemed to sneak up on me late at night.
"You sound like you're having a bad night. I'm sorry babe. Want to talk about it?"
I scooted down on the couch, shoving a throw pillow under my head and lying down. "Don't mind me, I had a little wine tonight and I'm just feeling sad and lonely."
"Ah, so a little drunk and a lot more lonely. I can sort of relate to that. I mean, I'm sober, and even though people are always around me, I'm still basically on my own. Tomo and Vicki are usually together, and Shan is off doing his own thing."
"Not the same thing Jared and you know it," I insisted with a nervous giggle. "I'm totally alone here in this apartment. Nights are the worst. However, tomorrow morning while I'm downing coffee and listening to a woman in her mid fifties blab about her new husband's fugly ex wife, I'll wish I was all alone." I could hear his loud snicker and smiled. "Seriously, the man she married, Derek, is at least twenty years younger than her and just happens to be a very popular injury attorney in LA."
"Wait, he's not that Thompson guy, is he?"
"The Derek Thompson, yes. And if I have to see that ridiculous music video-type commercial for his business one more time, I'm gonna scream." Jared began humming the annoying tune. "Ugh! Stop!!"
My expression softened with his laughter. "Come on Carrie, you gotta admit, it's a catchy song." This time he actually sang a line from the stupid commercial. How could he not know who I was talking about, this guy's face was all over LA.
"Ridiculous! It's like one of those songs that you really don't like, but it gets stuck in your head and before you know it, you've actually memorized the words. Ugh!!" Just talking to him shifted my mood and I had a smile on my face.
"And then whenever you hear it, you catch yourself silently singing along."
"Right? It's so stupid!" I sighed and it got silent between us. "God, I wish you were here." I knew that I sounded like a spoiled child, but we really didn't get too much alone time on this visit.
"Mmmm, well, what are you wearing?" I ripped my eyes, typical Jared, thinking about sex. His voice was much softer when he spoke and I knew where he was trying to take this conversation, but I had to stop it. He wasn't the least bit shy or uncomfortable talking about sex around others, not like I was. Even though we were thousands of miles apart, I still felt my cheeks flush hot at the fact that everyone could probably hear every word he was saying.
"The same clothes you watched me put on this morning!" I had literally walked in the door, dropped my bag and called him.
"That doesn't sound very comfortable. Why don't you get undressed, I'll hold? In fact, let's face time, I want to see you."
"I'm not getting naked to have phone sex with you Jared. Anyway, shouldn't you be asleep?" I had even forgotten all about the time difference when I dialed his number.
The loud sigh seemed to deflate his sudden excitement. "You know I can't sleep well in this bunk. I didn't get the time alone with you that I hoped for. I'm just trying to keep our connection strong. You could humor me a little."
"Seriously? You're within earshot of everyone on that bus! The last thing I want is for a dirty conversation to be broadcast to everyone on that bus. Wouldn't you rather wait until you're totally alone in a hotel room, where we don't have to be quiet, and don't have to rush?" I asked, toying with the frayed denim surrounding the hole in my jeans.
"Fine, I guess I should probably try to get some shut eye." His words dripped of disappointment, but I wasn't neglecting him. As soon as they had a night at a hotel, I'd happily go along with whatever dirty game he wanted to play. "You should too."
"I am going to bed after I take a hot bath."
"Great, now my mind is right back in the gutter as I picture you naked in the bath."
I giggled as I stood and walked to the bathroom. "Funny, your mind wasn't in the gutter very much when I visited you."
"Kind of hard to have sex with you when your mind was on someone else." His words were like a knife in my heart. My first instinct was to say something really shitty right back to him, but that would only prove his point even more.
"Jared..."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"Jared, I do love you, and I'm sorry that I still have feelings for Shannon. I can't help it, and I don't want to, but I do. Would you rather I lie to you about it?"
"No!" He paused for a few seconds. "Look, it's late, and I'm fucking fighting insomnia, and you're lonely. I just thought I'd get your mind off of it and have a little fun. You're clearly not up for it, so maybe we should just hang up and try to sleep, both of us."
My mouth went completely dry at how fast this conversation changed. "Okay." A single tear slid down my cheek as I desperately tried to hold it in. Just hold it all in until you hang up!
"I'll call you tomorrow. Get some rest Carrie."
"You too. I love you."
"I love you. Goodnight." I tossed the phone down on the tile and started my bath water. The tears began flowing freely and I felt even worse than I did before I called him.
I got undressed and sank into the hot water. Sleep wouldn't come easy and I'd be kicking myself for it in the morning. I tried to relax my tense body, but it was no use, I felt like complete shit, and no amount of coffee in the world could make me feel up to dealing with Sondra.
