"Seriously?" I whispered, folding my arms across my chest and leaning in a little closer. I'm sure he wasn't feeling the best right now, but Jared's the one who chose to get drunk with Colton tonight, knowing this was our last night together for a while. "That's kinda rude, don't you think?"
"Yeah, and calling your ex lover behind my back isn't?" Ouch! Where did his slur go all of a sudden? He sounded perfectly sober now, and each time he opened his mouth, I grew even more furious. Another amusing fact was that as angry as he was, he still managed to keep his voice just above a whisper. It was for the best I suppose, I do live in an apartment complex and there's nothing more embarrassing than knowing your neighbors are listening to you argue through the paper thin walls. "Did you not comprehend when I said that I didn't want you to be alone with him anymore?"
Jared snatched his toothbrush from the hook and held it under the running water. I watched as he squeezed a small amount of toothpaste on it while blinking rapidly. He then studied his disheveled appearance in the mirror. For someone who just puked, he looked pretty damn hot. A little messy, but still drop dead gorgeous. "I hardly call Shannon and me carrying Colton's drunk ass out to the car, being alone together, but whatever. You may have been passed out on the couch, but you were very much present, Jared!" My fast spoken words didn't seem to get much of a reaction and I paused for a few seconds. Still, no response. "So, why is it that you don't trust me?" I was growing more agitated with him and at this point I didn't give fuck who heard me anymore.
"I was crystal clear in the discussion earlier tonight and I have no fucking intention of repeating myself!" His voice finally rose above the silence, but he still refused to look at me. "You know you didn't have to call him," he snarled just before shoving the blue toothbrush in his mouth. "You can stop making excuses to see him and just admit you still want him."
"That's not true." Jared hit a nerve and he fucking knew it! I wanted to cry as rage surged through my veins. Not just because it felt like I was being scolded like a disobedient child, but because of the guilt over wanting Shannon to kiss me. I knew that shit was wrong, but it's not like it actually happened. However, I refused to allow him to talk down to me. "Why do you say that?" He only glared in my direction for a few seconds before looking back in the mirror. "Whatever. As for me waking you up, what exactly did you expect me to fucking do, let you sleep it off, knowing you'd miss your flight? Like you wouldn't have been furious with me over that! It's a no win situation with you. But that's okay, just add it to my never ending list of fuck ups. Ya know, you should hang out with Marilyn and George, or maybe Kimmie and Steve. According to them, I can't do anything right either!" I know that deep down Jared loves me and that this was probably just the alcohol talking, but for the life of me, I couldn't just shut the fuck up and let it go. Regardless, he had a tiny point, he just went about it all wrong. And drunk or not, I knew he could see right through my bullshit. Nothing ever got past him! Taking a deep breath, I struggled to choose my next words carefully. "Look, I did what I thought was right at the time, and if that's not good enough, then I'm sorry. But I DO NOT appreciate being scolded like a bratty child."
"Then maybe stop acting like one," he added, spitting into the sink as he continued to brush his teeth and stare at himself in the mirror. Did he really just say that to me?
I froze in place hearing Shannon's long drawn out "Fuuuuck," coming from the next room. He knew things were intensifying and I wondered exactly how much of the conversation he could actually hear. At the same time, I wasn't sure what pissed me off more, Jared's scolding, or the fact that Shannon was present to hear it. Balling my fists at my sides when I heard Shannon's footsteps moving toward the hallway. I was sure that if he got involved, it would only make things much worse.
Jared's last comment replayed in my head and ignited and over the top reaction, "Yeah, well, FUCK YOU!" I focused my eyes on Shannon, now standing just inside the hallway, staring back at me.
Rinsing his mouth one last time, Jared shut off the water and snatched the hand towel hanging neatly on the hook next to the sink. Wiping his mouth, he tossed it to the side and stalked forward, forcing me to awkwardly stumble backward. His hands came to a rest on the wall on either side of my head and I was certain that he was going to demand the real reason Shannon was called tonight. But he didn't. "Fuck me? Does saying that to me somehow make you feel better about your actions tonight?" When I didn't respond right away, he sighed loudly. "Why couldn't you just call Shayla. Emma. Tomo. Jamie. My mother ... fucking anyone but him?"
"You do realize I can hear you, right?" Shannon asked, his mouth was slightly twitching, as if he were ready for any kind of snarky comeback Jared may have. "It's not polite to talk shit about people in front of them."
"Then get out!" Jared refused to even look in his direction, but his expression hardened just the same. "Why the hell are you even back here anyway? This is a private conversation!"
Just as cool and casual as ever, Shannon shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. "Yeah, it's so private that I can hear you all the way out there! And so can the neighbors I'm sure! Look, I don't mean to intrude on your little lovers quarrel here, but-"
"Then don't!" Finally, he spun around and took a step in Shannon's direction. "This is between Carrie and me. Why don't you wait outside? I'll be there in a minute."
Shannon stood there for a few seconds, locking eyes with me before eventually turning and walking away. It wasn't until we heard the clicking of the front door that I let out he breath I'd been holding in. "So, now what?"
Without ever blinking, Jared leaned in closer, perfectly composed as he uttered his next command. "That's up to you. I'm sick of coming in second with you and I won't do it anymore." Placing a quick kiss on the top of my head, he gripped my chin. Tipping my head back, he looked into my glassy eyes. "I can't wait around for you to choose me and I shouldn't have to. Think about what you really want while I'm gone." Both of his warm hands cupped my face as he stared into my eyes. Jared pressed his soft lips to mine and gave me the most tender kiss before whispering, "I gotta go."
He turned and walked away, but I managed to hold it together until I heard the front door closing before I slid down the wall onto the floor. Fuck! How the hell did I let things spin so far out of control tonight? My immediate thought was to blame Colton, if he hadn't come by tonight, Jared and I would've had a quiet, peaceful night together. But it wasn't Colton's fault. I chose to call Shannon. I wanted to see him. And I most definitely wanted him to kiss me. Like it or not, I still have strong feelings for him and I wasn't totally honest with Jared when he confronted me about it earlier. Jesus, I've made so many mistakes in my life, more than I could ever make up for in one lifetime, but I can't lose Jared. I love him. And I cannot allow my feelings for Shannon to destroy my relationship.
I finally picked myself up and plodded into the bathroom, unable to shake the feeling of utter loneliness. I sat on the edge of the tub and turned on the hot water, remembering just how perfect things had been between Jared and I not too long ago. It felt like all the pieces were finally falling into place, but then my entire world imploded. Lola dragged all of my dirty little secrets out of the closet. Even then, he stayed by my side and remained supportive. I was lucky I guess, but eventually everyone's luck runs out. Faced with what felt like an ultimatum, I sank further into my depression.
Stripping down, I climbed into the tub and leaned all the way back. The scent of eucalyptus filled the room, another reminder of Jared. He loved it and insisted on having a bottle here for when he stayed over. I had hoped the hot water would loosen up some of the tension in my body, and maybe it did, but I couldn't stop thinking about the pained look on his face tonight. That would stay with me until I finally crawled into bed around five. I dozed off pretty quickly, but the loud pounding on the door after just an hour and a half of sleep woke me. At first, I thought that despite all the drama, maybe Jared didn't make his flight after all, but even if he didn't, it wasn't like he'd come back here. I opened the door, absolutely stunned to find Lola standing there holding a backpack. "She's gone too far this time. I'm staying here with you!" she insisted, pushing past me and entering my apartment.
