The bus rolled into the next town and I sat there, staring down at my phone while Jared worked on a song that I knew would be stuck in my head for days to come. With Tomo and Vicki busy watching a movie at the back of the bus, and Shayla curled up in Shannon's bunk with a horrible migraine, Jared and I were basically alone.
My eyes focused on the game that I was currently playing, but my mind was busy shuffling through memories, struggling to come to terms with my new reality. I had only picked at my leftover take out from the night before.
I drifted back to the day that Shannon and I left for Wyoming. I hadn't spoken to either of them for two whole weeks, and neither were happy about it, but Shannon still showed up with a smile on his beautiful face. He followed me to my bedroom and watched as I continued to play off just how uncomfortable I had been about our trip to New York. I recalled the way he spun me around while I was packing. Staring deep into my eyes, I felt that unbreakable connection we had. It was magical and I felt like he really got me, really understood my feelings. I could still see the serious expression on his face as he spoke to me. "I'm not stupid, I know that what happened between the three of us is the reason you've been distant, but if it's the individual relationships you're worried about, you can stop. Jared and I will both tell you the same thing, it changes nothing. Look, I don't want you to worry about this. I've got a great weekend planned and I want you to just forget about everything else. It's just you and me, okay?"
My lips trembled replaying that last sentence over and over. We were so happy then, all of us. Shannon had been so sweet, going all out with a romantic dinner and then surprising me with a hot air balloon ride the next day. He was so genuine, so sweet, and I honestly felt like our connection had only grown stronger during that trip.
It was hard to imagine that Shannon really was this overbearing prick who said all of those awful things to me yesterday. I mean, I know people can say some shitty things when they're hurt or upset, but he was just brutal. My heart clenched in my chest and I bit my lip to stifle the sigh that escaped.
It took me a few seconds to realize that the music stopped and Jared wandered over to sit down next to me. His cheerful voice cut right through the silence and he bumped his shoulder against mine. "Hey you."
"Hey, why'd you stop?" God, I felt so guilty. Guilty and stupid for wasting my time thinking about someone who clearly didn't care about me. I had a man right next to me who truly loved and wanted me. The bond I had with him was just as strong as the one I had with Shannon, if not stronger. So, why was I still depressed?
"I need a break." Jared shrugged, picking up my fork and taking a bite of my fried rice. Making a face, he stood up and took with him the container over to the microwave to reheat it. "You were thinking about Shannon?" He asked softly, making sure that no one else could hear our conversation. I watched him shove the plastic spork into his mouth and lean back, staring at me.
His question sounded more like a statement and I glanced down at my phone and then back up at him. "Not really."
"Come on Carrie, you don't have to lie to me. How many times do I have to tell you that you don't have to pretend?" He narrowed his eyes at me and paused for a few seconds. "I have to tell you something. Do you know how I know you're thinking about him?"
"How?"
"Because you get this pained look on your face and then you get real quiet. It's so obvious, but it's okay. I get it, you still have feelings for him and I'm not judging you for that." He spun around and opened the door to the microwave pulling out the container and then dropping it onto the countertop. He grabbed the blue pot holder from the hook and carried the small container back over to the empty spot next to me. "You can't change who you love, right?"
"I don't want to love someone so cold hearted and cruel." It was the truth, he really hurt my feelings talking to me the way he did.
"Babe, I don't know how you don't see it."
"See what?"
"That he's only acting this way and treating you so badly because he's hurt. I know for a fact that he fell hard for you. Why do you think he acted like he did when my mother caught you and me together?" He asked, raising his eyebrows. When I only shrugged my shoulders, he chuckled and responded. "He's in love with you still." Holding his hand up to stop me from bringing Dominique up again, he nodded his head and continued. "Yes, I know he's wrong for the whole Dom thing, but I believe he just made a stupid decision and unfortunately, the damage is done." Scooping up some rice, he held it closer for me to take a bite, but I couldn't be bothered with food and waved it away. There were so many qualities I loved about Jared, but one of my favorites, perhaps, was his selflessness and attentiveness. He always thought of everyone else's feelings and usually before his own. This was the perfect example right here. He could deny it all he wanted, but I knew that when I talked about Shannon, it bothered him. Still, he spoke on his brother's behalf, wanting to make sure I understood the way things really are.
"I don't feel sorry for him. This whole situation is like it is because of him! He knew what he was doing that night when he tried to make me think she was you, Jared! I swear to God when I start missing him, all I have to do is think of that moment and I get angry all over again. I just can't feel bad for him. Look, I promise I will never try to come between the two of you, but please don't try to make me feel sympathetic toward him. I have you and that's all I need."
He leaned in closer, slithering an arm around me and kissing my forehead. "And I'm totally satisfied as well, but I was just trying to get you to understand why he feels the way he does." I snuggled closer, enjoying our semi alone time.
A few hours later, Jared was pacing his dressing room, beginning to worry that Shannon might not show. He missed the meet and greet and came sauntering in, a few minutes before the start of the show. Walking straight to the dressing room, he hurried inside, slamming the door closed behind him. I took one look at Shannon and knew he was in the same clothes from the day before and made up my mind that I had to call a truce. Things couldn't go on this way every time we saw each other. But the question was, would he agree to it?
I took my place at the side of the stage and watched the show. As usual, it was pure perfection, and Jared seemed happy. Looking out at the crowd, it was like a river of people that went on forever. Slipping in with some fans at the side of the stage, I could have been any one of them, singing along as the band delivered a breathtaking performance.
As the show ended, I purposely waited until Jared was busy talking with Shayla to go and knock on Shannon's dressing room door. I stood there, taking deep breaths and giving myself a little pep talk about how I needed to put my big girl panties on and get this over with. I was doing this for Jared and the good of our relationship. If we agreed to no more fighting, surely we could come to an agreement to be civilized. Part of me hated him and part of me missed him, but I was positive that we could just be neutral to each other, well, I was positive until he answered my knock. He opened up and poked his head out, frowning when our eyes met. "What now?"
