I eventually got up and stumbled to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. My head was pounding and without yet looking in the mirror, I knew my eyes were already swollen from crying most of the night. I still couldn't believe that they had done this to me.
They had broken my heart in ways I never thought possible, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't know it was coming, I just wasn't prepared for it. It's kind of like handing someone a loaded gun and expecting not to be shot. You underrate the power you give them and are left trying to figure out how to go on with life once the relationship has ended.
I carried the mug of hot coffee back to my makeshift bed on the couch and plopped down, knocking my uncharged phone to the floor. Jared's name illuminated the screen with so many missed calls and texts. I couldn't help but wonder how he played into the whole fucked up situation. Had he also been seeing her behind my back? Scrolling through the messages I was shocked that not a single one was from Shannon. My heart ached so badly. The pain radiated from my chest and spread all the way down to my fingertips and toes. It was as if my heart had been ripped open and smashed before being poorly stapled or glued back together. Regrettably for me, this was far worse than physical pain. Grief is something that no medication can heal and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I dumped most of the coffee, still not having much of an appetite and wandered over to my computer. I went over my schedule for the next few weeks. Luckily, I had a flight out in two days and would be spending a little over a week in Seattle, far away from LA. Until then, I had to keep busy so I didn't have time to think.
I did some light cleaning, but no matter what I attempted, something would remind me of either one or both of them and stop me in my tracks. Jared's shirt that I had worn home one day was lying on the floor next to my laundry basket. Raising the fabric to my face, I inhaled deeply. His scent was still there and I sank to the floor, feeling completely broken.
I knew I had to get out of my apartment or I was going to go crazy. I took a shower and got myself ready and drove to the grocery. I just needed to pick up a few things and thought that surrounding myself with strangers had to be easier than sitting home crying, but I was wrong.
Little things that ordinarily wouldn't have fazed me, seemed to take over my thoughts. Whether it was the scent of a familiar cologne as a stranger passed too close, or a Thirty Seconds To Mars shirt on a fan, everything bothered me. I could feel the jealousy burning my face as my heart clenched, watching a happy couple all hugged up, pushing a shopping cart. It's not like I'd ever have that anyway, not from either of them. No, we weren't allowed to show any affection in public. Again, the pain intensified as I came across a bottle of my favorite Pink champagne. Shannon never forgot how much I loved the stuff and always made sure to have it on hand when we were together.
I stood there, frozen, thinking back to the trip to Wyoming. Things seemed so normal then. Was he really with 'her' then too? If he was, he never acted any differently. I also thought of the trip to Malibu with Jared. Jared..... I dialed his number and listened as he answered. "Carrie! Jesus, are you alright? Where are you?"
"I...." I cleared my throat, on the verge of tears again. "I'm leaving the grocery and on my way home. Can you meet me there in about ten minutes, I need to talk to you?"
"I'm on my way."
I disconnected and walked to the checkout. Peanut butter and jelly wasn't something that I ate regularly, but I had no desire to cook anything at all. Bananas, avocados, almond milk, and salad completed my trip to the store.
I drove home and noticed Jared's truck immediately. He rushed toward me as soon as he saw me.
"God, I'm so sorry about what happened last night. I had no idea Shannon was seeing her again." He grabbed the bags from my hands and I quickly fumbled with the keys, inserting the one to my apartment into the lock. I shoved the door open and walked inside.
"You alright?" He lay the bags down on the table and pulled me into his arms.
I clung to him, gripping the fabric of his shirt and letting myself sink against his lean body.
"No, I'm not." After a few seconds, I backed away. "It's obvious he's known her longer than last night. I want answers Jared. I can't talk to him, because he's a liar... so I expect you to be honest with me."
He stared at me, biting on his bottom lip. Nodding, he pulled a chair out, gesturing for me to sit. When I did, he sat next to me, but stared straight ahead. "All bullshit aside, I want you to know that I do love you." I had a feeling that what he was going to tell me was going to hurt, and I found myself digging my fingernails into my palms, bracing for the worst. "You know that you're not the first woman that Shannon and I have shared. There have been a few actually. Dominique was the first. She was my girlfriend, and after Shannon endlessly flirted with her, I found out she fucked him, only, it was behind my back."
It seemed that deep down it still bothered him. He never looked at me, just stared down at the table. "Rather than fight with him over it and break it off with her, I sucked it up and we made an agreement that she would be with both of us, but jealousy got the best of me and I ended it. The rules were that if one of us wanted out, none of us would see each other anymore, but I guess they continued behind my back for a while. There was another woman, this time it was someone that he had chosen, and it too didn't work out. You're the first one that we actually talked about from the beginning. That day you and I reconnected on that flight, he brought it up. I won't lie, I did encourage it, realizing that you'd probably not be able to resist him, but you gave in to him much faster than I thought you would. After that you seemed pleased with both of us and I didn't want to ruin it. Fast forward to the day my mother walked in on us. Shannon seemed bitter with the whole situation after that, but I swear to you, I knew nothing of him seeing Dominique again. He called to let me know what happened and I knew I had to see if you were alright." Jared stared across the room and laughed sarcastically. "He didn't really have much of a choice at that point." He turned and focused on me. "I do love you and I'm genuinely sorry about everything."
"It's like a game for you two. Is that what you guys like, to play with peoples emotions, manipulate them? Neither of you care about anyone but yourselves. What about my feelings?" I stood up and began pacing, again becoming overwhelmed with grief. The tears fell down my cheeks and I screamed in his face as he gripped my arms. "I can't just turn my emotions on and off like the two of you! I'm hurting! I'm grieving because of your fucking game!"
"I'm sorry, but I didn't hear any complaints from you when he was fucking you. You wanted him just as badly as he wanted you."
What he said was true and the truth definitely hurt, but the ache in my heart made everything inside me turn ice cold. I flinched, like he'd crossed some invisible line in the sand and all I wanted to do was strike out, say something aimed to annihilate his heart, make him hurt like I was hurting. "Well, I'm leaving the day after tomorrow for a job and actually, the jokes on you because I never really loved you. I never want to see you again. Get out of my apartment!"
